Dear Dina.

I just have to reply to your post as it resonates with me so much.

I have been dating this wonderful woman for about 3 months now. Everything has been going great. We have great intimacy, sex and a lot of trust in each other. We also make real effort to make each other feel loved. But up until yesterday I had a problem. When I was not physicaly with her I just didnt have that in love feeling. I knew I loved here but I was not sure if I was in love. And that made me really anxious and afraid. Was she right for me eventhough I didnt experience that head over heals feeling. My anxiety translated into our meets because I just couldnt be in the moment with her and fully enjoy our meetings because I was obsesivly overthinking this issue. I cant stress enough how much fear this caused me. This was a woman who I shared almost all my interest with, who supports me with every endevour, with whom I have great sex. But all I could think about was, why butterfly love was so infrequently felt. When I relaxed I did sometimes feel it. I must emphasize this.

And literally yesterday it hit me. When looking for a lifetime partner the only thing which matters is if I want to share my life with here without the in love feeling which will eventually subside as is scientifically proven. Am I prepared to compromise pretty much everything for the rest of my life just so I can lay down with here in the evening and so I can tell here I love here and so I can here the same thing, no matter how hard mine and her days were or how brutal the fight we had was?

And the answer was a resounding yes. No one will always look beautiful, or sexy, or be happy, or be motivated. You will not always be their momentary priority. YOU wil not always be in the mood for love. Sometimes you will need space, or you will need to shout or cry. All of that is normal in a mature relationship. The “in love” feeling proposed to us by western culture is highly overrated as it is fuled only by hormones. What really matters is will my partner support me no matter what, can I spend real quality time with her, can I do mutual activities with her, are we sexually compatible.

Maybe this post is just a re-do of Dinas, and maybe it is just a little confused, but the ectasy I feel is real. The freedom I feel that my love is not bound by any expectation. Maybe this is the first time in my life where I see my partner as a complete seperate person, who I do not feel the need to change and I still feel thrilled to spend the rest of my life with her. By not forcing the “in love” feeling it has come to me voluntarily.

Have a great day.
Matic