Hi Nicole

First of all, congratulations for taking such a positive attitude to what has happened to yo. I have no doubt it has been very tough for you, but looking forward to all the things that life can offer you is the best way to progress with your life.

I have many of the same interests as you, but am about 30 years older. From where I am today, all I can say is please, please do these things for yourself! You really don’t want to get to my age and look back on all the things that you missed out on!

For me, I didn’t get married until my early thirties and so I pursued many of my interests until, in my case, marriage and family life interrupted it all. It shouldn’t have, but it did in my case, probably for many of the same reasons as yours. After my divorce, I decided to start all these things up again.

It hasn’t been easy, but that is mostly because I also lost my job after the company I worked for was sold off, and I had to take a new job on much less money right at the lowest time of my life. My social circle has built up again, far bigger than it was before, and I am much closer to where I would like to be. I don’t regret what happened, because I have three beautiful daughters from it, but I also know that if I had focused more on my own interests and needs instead of giving them up for others I could have achieved much more.

OK, so you know what it is you want to do, but your question is, how do you fit these things into a busy life. The answer is, by making these interests the single most important thing in your life. Above everything else. Because, at the end of the day, and at the end of your life, they are.

Just imagine for a moment that you visited the doctor today, and he told you your kidneys are failing, and you will need dialysis for 2 hours at a time, three times a week. Are you going to tell him you are too busy? Or are you going to schedule the rest of your life around it?

It’s exactly the same with your interests (and for your emotional health, just as important).I work 8-7 Monday to Friday, and have my children on alternate weekends, so I have around 10 hours per week and alternate weekends available. Into that I have to also fit shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. So if I didn’t make my interests my top priority, they simply wouldn’t happen.

I set aside 2-3 hours every other weekend to go out on my motorcycle with my friends or on my own, as well as using it for commuting (when not using my bicycle, or running, or walking). Some weekends with my daughters we will go horse riding. Travelling may need to be booked months in advance, but if you don’t, other things will get in the way. My weekday evenings include an hour of one (or 30 minutes of two) of either: running/walking (whilst listening to an audiobook); reading (I always have at least 1 psychology book, 1 book to learn something else, and 1 trashy, easy book on the go at any one time to suit my mood); car or motorcycle maintenance; learning an instrument (focusing on guitar at the moment); and home improvements. These are always the first things that I do when I get home – otherwise it is too easy to become diverted by other things.

Whilst doing all these things has contributed to my overall well-being, doing them has also rejuvenated my ability to cope with all of the other things that life throws at you. Working to a schedule has become something I enjoy, because my fun things are central to that schedule. Learning new skills makes it easier to handle change in other areas of life.

Reading and study led me to this website, and the amazing stories that people have lived. Riding my motorcycle – well, every other biker becomes a friend, and by their nature, they tend to be people who are that bit more adventurous than most. Horse riding takes me to places I would never see otherwise. Travelling has had a profound impact on my life, although I think that is because I tend to travel alone, and as a result meet so many more local, interesting people.

But most of all, my life is about the things I enjoy the most. Sure, there is some drudgery, you can’t get away from that completely. But having more interesting things to do means that I get all of those things out of the way as quickly as I can, so I can get back to the fun stuff. And by doing it now, at your age, you will be setting a pattern for the rest of your life that everyone around you will envy.

Nicole,

With it being such a short time after your difficult breakup, its very normal to feel that hole. It’s like walking out of a loud dance club, and the silence and ear ringing feel unusual. Said differently, chaotic relationships produce a lot of mental and emtional noise that we become accustomed to, and when we leave them, the absence of the noise can be unsettling. Keep with the hobbies and interests and self care, and the hole goes away. It takes time, many hugs, many breaths.

With warmth,
Matt