Hey Stuck,

I know what you are going through! After a relationship of 2 years and 3 months or so, I took the responsability to choose for my happiness and ended the relationship. (I will probably post my detailed story soon – as I bumped into this webiste yesterday and I have found so many inspiring words to accept that it’s ok the way I feel now).

So, we broke up the 26th of december and the day after I used his laptop (because he messed up mine, checking out pornsites throughout the entire relationship) and when I opened the internet, I bumped into a login-page on a very shocking datingsite! I didn’t tell him straight away.
As he was still living with me, I wanted to know how he would be around me: all cuddly, telling me he’d miss us as a couple, that I will always be his little Sarah, etc…I just could not believe what was happening. Is he feeling guilty for creating an account on that vulgar datingsite and is this his way (how he was towards me) to make himself feel better? ((besides that, we broke up, so he had all the right to create that account – just couldn’t understand the purpose of him telling me he’d miss me and stuff!))

We celebrated new year’s eve seperatly (my friends became his friends and I decided to celebrate somewhere else as he didn’t have the decency/or brains to do that). The next day around noon, I came home and wished him the best for 2015. By the look on his face, I could tell he wasn’t feeling too happy but still asked him if he managed to have a good time last night.
“I only came home at 7am” – “that’s good, means you enjoyed yourself” ((I recieved a txt from my friend, where he was for NY, that he left at 1.40am)) – “Oh well, I went to the city to see what was going on…” – “oh, did you meet up some friends then?” – “no, I just went to the city, but ran into a couple of highschool mates. But then again, I didn’t really enjoyed myself, so I started to drive around for a long time and I more or less ended up in the next city” – That came to me as a surprise, as he really hates that city because of it’s very varied cultural coloured people ((I don’t even feel safe there)). I frowned, then smiled and said: “oh well, at least you saw a bit of the world then”. ((I’m a globetrotter and he’s so narrow-minded, not even wanting to go away for the weekend. So my reaction was sarcastic). And then, as I got up from the couch to go to the kitchen, he suddenly started to sob pretty intense. Shocked again, as I had never seen emotions that extreme, except for happiness. He stood up and gave me a big hug. “it hurt so badly to brake up with you”

You never guess what I going to tell you next.

As he came pretty close with his face to mine… I smelled sex! And to those who have been in this situation, you know you’re not fooling yourself there! For a moment I wondered if I might be wrong, so cuddled him back. But no, I could not ignore my instinct, he smells like sex!

Again, we broke up, so he had the right to jump to the next one or just to have fun. Again, I didn’t say anything about it at that moment.

I am a person who thinks too fast, which means I need time to organize my thoughts and to formulate/create/imagine/prepare/… a conversation in my head.
The days following, I almost lost it. So I decided to confront him with the datingsite and “the smell”. He remained amazingly calm, he did not even wink an eye, he did not even move, he did not even …he did try to make me believe he was drunk when he created that account, that he was curious, so he checked it out, but that it’s not what he ‘s looking for, that he is not even looking for something/someone else, that he is not even interested in that website after all. Our break-up is too painfull and that he needs to be single for a while before he can open up his heart again.

Then I started the new-year’s topic. There he suddenly changed his story as I mentioned it was weird for him to drive to that city because of his opinion about it. He said he brought home a girl (female friend of his) that he ran into in the first city!! “You can call her if you want to…” Again, he barely showed any emotions and he denied that he had sex, that he can’t do it right now and he even became mad that I didn’t believed him. He stood up, angry and left the building slamming the doors.

I am glad, and proud of myself, that I confronted him. By doing this, I showed him that I do not trust a word of what he is/was saying and that I know that he is not being (probably never had been honest about tons of things) honest with me, nor himself. Apparently, he’s a good liar (and I feel sorry for him)!

So Stuck (sorry my story is longer than I initially wanted it to be), prepare a conversation in your head (or on paper) and step up to your ex and get the anwsers out that person, even if it’s not the one’s you wanted to hear! You’ll get over it, be positive! You do not derserve someone who can’t be honest with you! You shouldn’t be treated like that, you deserve respect, every single moment of your life! Be strong and step up for yourself, set your boundaries! You can do it! Tell the person how you feel, be honest about the emails that you read by accident (or did he maybe want you to find out about it?? My ex told me that he waited until I would take the step! – He didn’t expect me to take the step this soon though).

Keep in touch!

//

Little sidenote about the internet story. He moves out, lives three houses away (that’s the *** hardest part) and his mail still arrives at my place. I recieve a letter with my first name and his last name, so I opened it. It was his VISA-card statement. He spent 150$ on that website to be able to send 145 messages! Say what?!! I am usually not like that, but I felt so strong that I took a piece of paper and wrote down: “145 messages on that datingwebsite between 28/12 and 13/01? What a joke to try to make me believe that I meant so much for you! Thank you for making it so easy for me to get over you!! *draw a happy smiley flower and a sun* – I put it together with his bankstatement and dropped it in his mailbox! Feel so proud about it!

Hey stuck, this happened to me at the end of my marriage two years ago. We tried to work things out after I discovered. Tried therapy for many months but the damage and the trust was something never regained. I mean I know how you are feeling and that sinking feeling in your heart and stomach. I think that you need to make a decision and see why he did this, what can you do moving forward.