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What are you waiting for?

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • July 18, 2017 at 6:09 pm #158884
    Moani
    Participant

    Good day Tiny Buddah Participants,

    I have a situation and would appreciate others input, advice and wisdom.

    I have been dating this wonderful man for almost 2 years now (Aug 03rd, 2017 makes our 2 year anniversary mark!)

    When I say wonderful I mean this man of mine (he is my boyfriend – we are not married) he is respectful, mindful, supportive and well everything I could ask for in a partner. As cliche as it sounds it seems too good to be true. Of course, as in every relationship we have our ups and downs, but nothing out of the ordinary just the usual normative stressors every couple has from time to time.

    I guess you could say my relationship isn’t so much my problem it is the “status” of my relationship and recent news I have received that is causing my anxiety to flare. About two weeks ago my bf told me that he received orders to move as he is in the military, I eventually knew that this day would come soon (it was expected). He has expressed he wants me to go with him. He is also being very supportive of me as far as him financially supporting me to return to college and focus on my career. I admire and appreciate his support, but it just doesn’t sit right with me. My concerns are for starters is I would like to be able to provide financially in some way and secondly, that I would prefer to be married before we move out there.

    My reasoning for marriage is for one I love him and intend to spend the rest of my life with this person. Second, he is in the military and marriage would provide us with more income, medical (on my end) and base access and resources that would help me to land a job, shop at the commissary, make friends and family far from home where I will need it most. I am thinking long-term and I know he is also. I guess I am anxious that it is all happening so quickly. I honestly do not want to rush the process for either of us. I guess what I want and need right now from him is clarification that it will happen soon. How do you all think I should approach this matter? Any advice helps and if you need more info. please feel free to ask.

    Aloha!

    July 19, 2017 at 6:06 am #158938
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Moani:

    Was there any discussion about marriage or otherwise, the future of the relationship between the two of you, any input to him on your part and his response?

    I can’t imagine he is not familiar with the financial benefits for being married while serving in the military- any prior discussion about that or comments he had made, maybe comments about other people, in the context of marriage and marriage-in-the-military?

    Looking forward to your answers. Will reply further then.

    anita

     

    July 19, 2017 at 11:16 am #159014
    Moani
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for the quick response.

    Yes, we have discussed marriage throughout our relationship and his response was that as much as he would like to get married soon he wants us to do it the right way and he wanted to wait another 2-3 years. Which I can understand and see why being that he was married once before. I believe as he is older, wiser and more knowledgable about the topic of marriage he may have his reasons why he would like to wait before he proposes. His first and only marriage didn’t end quite well being that his ex wife had cheated on him with another and so they divorced. This could be another reason why he is hesitating not that he is comparing me to his ex, but maybe he fears of it reoccurring with me and being that he is older he is now investing in buying a home he may not want to marry me, end with a divorce to me and lose some of those investments? I know there are lots to consider before marrying… that even myself is not yet knowledgeable of.

    We just talked about the big move yesterday and he did say that he is going to make me the power of attorney and we will begin a joint bank account. That did put me at ease because it does show he is taking steps for me to have a comfortable life in a new place with him. It shows he wants me present and to move with him. I believe marriage is to come maybe I am just too hung up on having a label and a ring on my finger and this man just wants to ensure I get the best and he can provide the best so he is putting it off only to save money, create a home for us and then when the time is right pop the question!

     

     

    July 20, 2017 at 6:46 am #159136
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Moani:

    In your original post you wrote: “as in every relationship we have our ups and downs, but nothing out of the ordinary just the usual normative stressors every couple has from time to time.”- it is often the case that arguments and fighting at times (that is disrespect and aggression in some form) is an ordinary and normal part of relationships, but it is not a desirable or necessary part of a relationship. I am not suggesting that you and your boyfriend argue and fight, but often it is the case. My input nonetheless: it is possible to practice respect at all times and zero aggression at all times, in the context of a relationship.

    You and your boyfriend read to me like reasonable people. Reads to me that he does indeed love you and cares for your well-being and that he is moving ahead toward a future with you. I think it is appropriate for you to talk with him about marriage anytime, about the benefits of it… as long as you are not pressuring him, as long as you are honest with him, not excessive, not manipulative, respectful, it is healthy for the benefit of the two of you to communicate honestly on any and every topic of significance.

    anita

    July 20, 2017 at 4:47 pm #159256
    Moani
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I agree with your responses to my situation.

    Through this process I have learned that communication is key no matter how uncomfortable I may feel talking about the topic at hand I need to do the following: 1. Address how I am feeling respectfully to my partner and 2.  “it is often the case that arguments and fighting at times (that is disrespect and aggression in some form) is an ordinary and normal part of relationships, but it is not a desirable or necessary part of a relationship.” (Anita)

    Thank you for helping me see it that way that it is never desirable/necessary to fight or argue and that there are other ways to handle uncomfortable or difficult situations that may arise within the relationship.

    Thank you,
    Moani

    July 21, 2017 at 5:59 am #159342
    Natasha
    Participant

    Wait, he wants o make it right, I can read through what you have written, the love you feel for him will make you understand and be patient for the time he needs to feel ready and realize you are not like any other woman he had met in the past, and when time passes by, before you know it he’ll get down on one knee because no one had the tolerance and the love you had for him and his decisions 🙂

    July 21, 2017 at 11:35 am #159452
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Moani. I like your thinking. Post anytime.

    anita

    July 21, 2017 at 2:24 pm #159478
    Moani
    Participant

    Hi Natasha,

    I agree with your perspective as well. Allowing him the time he needs will make the proposal that much more rewarding. I would not want anyone to pressure me into marrying either. I want the timing to be right and of course spontaneous and magical.

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, will do. This is a great form of therapy for me and I appreciate your advice and support.

     

    Aloha,

    Moani

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