My male best friend and I have known each other for 13 years, and we’ve stayed close friends through a lot of family stuff, breakups, new boy/girlfriends, general growing pains and adulthood transitions, etc. He moved out of the country a few years ago but we kept in contact and we always hung out whenever he visited (which is not very often and mostly very short visits because of some family stuff).
He’s been through a lot in the romance department, and struggles with depression quite a bit throughout his life. He can have a hard time expressing his feelings with words, and I myself am not so expressive unless either I really have to or I’m in a conversation with a very expressive person, so over the course of our friendship we rarely have serious, heart-to-heart talk, maybe only once or even less every year, and we’ve sort of just formed a bond of understanding (or tolerating confusions).
A year ago I just ended a relationship with a manipulative, abusive guy who was not only cheating on me throughout the duration of our relationship but also stole from me and spreaded lies about me (let’s just say he wasn’t my smartest choice). On top of that ever since the breakup I’ve had terrible luck with men–one who was apparently married, one who was apparently gay (this one eventually makes a good friend, so it was okay), one who had weird fetishes–anyway I’m sort of jaded from all of last year’s dating dramas and kinda having a pessimistic view on that right now.
About a few months ago, with him still overseas, our exchange began to shift. There were times before that we would joke-flirt with each other but only for fun, but now it was getting quite intense. A few weeks ago he flew back and we started hanging out as usual at first. Then one evening he took me out for a wine-and-dine thing and made a move. He actually had to try a couple of times because I kept brushing it off awkwardly (I honestly originally thought it was still part of the joke) but then after I had time to wrap my head around it I went for it, thinking, “meh, we’ve been friends for so long, we’ll survive a one-night thing.” (word of the wise: DO NOT EVER THINK YOU WILL, I think you can guess where this is going)
For a few weeks since then we sneaked around our other friends (we have quite a large group of high school friends), sending each other very flirty texts (ok we sexted), while largely started hanging out a lot more often than we normally do (I think at one point I saw him every day for a whole week). He then invited me to join him and our two friends (who are a couple) on a weekend resort trip, which I ended up going to thinking that we would be having a lot of sex and then hang out and have fun like friends do.
A week leading up to the trip, however, he began to change. We were still very suggestive, but now we also started being a little cuter than normal (you know what I’m talking about, certainly not the way you talk to either guy best friend or sex-only partner). I caught myself feeling all warm and fuzzy a few times and had to stop just because I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. He also suddenly decided to extend his visit, on which he said was for me, but I chose not to believe it, I mean, guys have said crazier things for sex. Then the weekend came and we went away for the trip.
The trip was the best three days I’ve had for a very long time, but a lot of it was a very confusing dance. First and foremost, he had always been really reliable, and the casual sex before was great, but this was a whole other thing. He was genuinely caring, he took care of me, yes the sex was intense, and we connected even more than I did with previous boyfriends. I know that we’ve always been comfortable with each other, but I have to point out that we are both quite uncomfortable with intimacy to begin with, and several times I caught him about to say something when we were just cuddling but didn’t, several times also I had to pull back because I almost couldn’t handle being so vulnerable. We also spent some time having sorta-double dates with our other friends, who by now probably knew what was happening but chose to not say anything (which makes me even more confused) although at one point, when we were doing some girl chats, the girlfriend said something along the lines of him seeming really happy with this visit he’s even extending his time here, which was something she never thought he would do.
Anyway now we’re back home and he’s doing another trip with said friend, and has been a little quiet (although it’s probably because there’s no wifi) and I found myself with so many conflicting emotions inside. I know that I’ve always loved and cared about him, and regardless of anything, I want him in my life forever, and I know in that regards he shares this feeling with me. When I think about him now, I get more fuzzy feelings than the usual friendly love and I can tell I’m probably starting to fall for him, but I’m also not sure what his motives are, and if I can trust him, even though I know he’s a genuinely good person. As friends we work well even across the sea, but I’m afraid of how terribly insecure and manic I would be if we were to start something. I can tell he’s also confused about his feelings and my responses, too, but I’m not sure about being the one to bring it up, especially when I myself am still unsure of where I stand. Basically I’m just really shit-scared and confused.
So… 😐 I know this is very long but any opinions?