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what are we doing?

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  • April 19, 2014 at 7:36 am #55016
    Matt
    Participant

    Ruby,

    Your confusion is understandable, lots of changes have happened recently in your connection to him. Its difficult to understand those changes without knowing his side. It sounds like he is interested, but fwb or romance is difficult to say without knowing his side. This makes communication such an important part of stabilizing any relationship… we have to talk about the changes, our side of things, and ask for theirs.

    Otherwise we end up spending a lot of energy trying to know, trying to figure out their side, relate to fantasies in the mind, and so forth. Said differently, if you’re courageous enough to have sex with him, perhaps you could find the courage to talk to him? Its a little interesting that “we had sex, but talking about our feelings is vulnerable, scary”. You laid naked with him in body, perhaps now is a good time to lay naked with him in emotion. Either he’s right there with you, or he isn’t… and its better to know, in my opinion.

    If those were my shoes, I would accept the awkwardness of the changes, emotions, and future, and bring it up lightly, honestly, and with hope. Perhaps you could bring up your side first, with the tingles, the appreciation of the friendship, the budding feelings, the greatness of the sex, the enjoyment of the time spent, the tender attentions… the whole shebang. Let him know how his actions have been received, and perhaps it will strengthen his courage to do more, give more, or even pull back if he was looking for something casual. 13 years is a long time as friends… so consider that the changes are probably disorienting for him too. And, its not all in his hands, you have some say!

    Consider that love makes us bold, and we can use that courage to open up. Yes, you might get hurt, but you’ve been through that before, know what heartbreak feels like. For me, the beauty of love has always been worth the potential of heartbreak… because there’s the chance that love will blossom. So for me, I just open and share what I think, feel, and see… and breathe through the responses as best I can, then share some more of what ever comes up. Along the way, we figure it out. Good luck!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    April 19, 2014 at 8:13 pm #55023
    -M
    Participant

    Ruby,

    Interesting story. I see that you’ve asked for opinions.

    First off, is he still living out of the country and only visiting intermittently? The reality is that if this becomes serious, someone will have to move.

    Next, I would agree with Matt. It is easy for us quickly use up our energy speculating. If you genuinely want to know where his head is at, you must ask him. If you do, you should be prepared to disclose where you’re at as well. As Dale Carenegie describes in “How not to Worry”, we should try to gather information before worrying. I believe that you’re in the information-gathering phase.

    Lastly, you mentioned that he struggles with depression. From my experience, persons with depressive tendencies can really take it out of us. Although we may wish to rescue them, that really isn’t our role. Furthermore, though it may appear as though we can rescue them initially, the effect will fade over time. As many of the articles on this site point to, the depressed person must become responsible for addressing his depression himself.

    Most importantly, my thoughts are simply an opinion – not advice. Only you will know what is best for yourself. With matters of the heart, I tend to try to follow my heart more than my head. But you must trust your decision-making ability.

    There is nothing to be scared of. Things work out the way that they should. As quoted before, “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”- Dalai Lama

    The emotions you describe are exciting. Enjoy the ride.
    -M

    April 20, 2014 at 8:21 am #55036
    Ruby
    Participant

    Thanks you guys, your replies are giving me some courage to let me ask the questions I need to ask myself, which as eclpanth points out, should probably come with asking him.
    To answer your question eclpanth, he is currently living abroad, spending most of his time traveling (backpacking around for leisure) in a sort-of indefinite time frame, although his family is here and they expect him to return eventually (family business). He himself is not sure about anything at this point, but more than anything I just want him to have the life that makes him happy, even if that means him living across the ocean. In that sense, too, I’m starting to be calmer because I know deep down we both mean well and want each other to be happy regardless.
    So for now I’m taking deep breaths, hope that when I get to see him next weekend after his trip I will get the courage and clear the air and have a nice laugh like we always do!

    April 23, 2014 at 9:13 pm #55281
    Ruby
    Participant

    A little update: we had a talk, and while we agreed that we had a really nice time bonding during our trip (and his trip so far in general) we realize that he has a life abroad and i have a life here, and we should just cherish what we have now: a great friend, great sex, and above all a good companionship.
    I’ve also been thinking and I realized that whatever pang I’m feeling in my heart is because I was truly moved by the intimacy we shared during our trip, and sad as it is, it was only meant for that time. I’m certainly not thinking of continuing ahead for anything serious, as I think I’m not emotionally ready for that, but it’s good to know I am able to share that with someone and intimacy is not a scary thing, when time comes that I’m ready I can do it again (with him or someone else).
    I’m truly happy with this lesson! Thank you guys for helping me through it. Best of lucks!

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