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- This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by claref.
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November 29, 2016 at 3:48 am #121440clarefParticipant
Ok, so I am with someone like nobody else I have been with before. My past relationships were extremely volatile and stressful. I was in bad relationships (emotionally/physically abusive).
Anyways I came out of this bad relationship after 6 years. As a result (i believe) I developed Reactive Hypoglycemia and Polycystic Ovaries and i have had my second breast lump (benign) and i am 27. I believe lots of things are going on with my hormones.
I eat well, I exercise and i am practicing meditation. I am really trying to help myself.
However – around my period time (say 7-10days before) because of my PCOS and Reactive Hypoglycemia and general PMS, I get irrational, I snap, I lose control, I throw things, I break down, I am an emotional wreck.
It is ONLY in this time of the month and yes i can control myself other times of the month. However, I can’t get rid of my conditions or my anger that goes hand in hand with this, all i can do is try and ‘manage’ the symptoms. Therefore I need NO triggers.
All my triggers are around a disagreement with my boyfriend, he will raise his voice and i’m instantly ready to ATTACK. I get angry, irate, i throw things I scream, I slam doors and so on.
I ask him kindly PLEASE in this time period, just don’t react to my snappy mood. He says that it is natural to react back like he does and he doesn’t want to be a push over. I told him to swallow his pride, its not about that – it is about doing something for the person he is meant to love – me.
IF i was single, I wouldn’t be having these outbursts, as I don’t have them with anyone but him. The rest of the month, I manage to somehow breathe or maybe I am less irratating to him in the other weeks so i don’t make him raise his voice.
This morning we were discussing Xmas eve. We have been invited to go see a pantomime in the day. His reaction was “I’m not going to see a pantomime hungover” as we are out the night before and he drinks and i don’t (or can’t). I started to get upset (me just being my emotional self) and explained that so because he is hungover that means i can’t enjoy my Xmas eve and not doing anything ALL day. It’s not just any day of the year?! As I tried to explain this, i did have an upset and frustrated tone and then he raised his voice, so I instantly flew off the handle, I threw my laptop and my screen came off. I threw a cup, but then he reacted and said he can’t deal with me being like this and he can’t watch everything he says and he got mad and punched a cardboard box in the hallway to vent. Then apologised but said he is finding it hard not to react.
I feel like unless he changes, then it won’t work. I am trying to also take control and i hope by meditating more it may help my anger around this time.
HELP.
November 29, 2016 at 5:18 am #121444Nina SakuraParticipantClaref,
I think you can see that your behaviour in these situations isn’t acceptable – throwing laptop, cups is over the top considering the gravity of the situation. Your present bpyfriend will find this unpleasant no doubt and it is very difficult for one person to always be on their guard all the time for fear of upseting you. Is it always possible for you or for anyone for that matter to have that kind of control over words 24×7?
Its time you get to the root of this and manage better. Consider for instance why you are so anxious related to this person and why there has been a pattern of volatile relationships? What did you see in these men and why did the last relation end?
I understand the hormonal problems involved in mood and strongly recommend seeing a therapist and physician for these issues.
Regards,
NinaNovember 29, 2016 at 9:21 am #121465AnonymousGuestDear claref:
Help is on the way.. well, I hope, somewhat. First, minimize your irritability due to your three conditions:
1. Reactive Hypoglycemia, perhaps eat small meals and snacks about every 3 hours, avoid or limit sugar intake, exercising regularly, eat a variety of foods, including protein, whole-grains, fruits and vegetables, and other high fiber foods. A low-carbohydrate diet and/or frequent small split meals is the first treatment of this condition. Add small meals at the middle of the morning and of the afternoon.
2. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS): a healthy diet (above) and more physical activity will reduce the symptoms of this condition as well. Interestingly enough: “lower blood glucose levels, and may help” (Wikipedia)
Also, birth control pills help to control menstrual cycles and lower androgen levels. Diabetes medication is often used to lower insulin resistance in PCOS.3. Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS): Manage by reducing salt, caffeine, and stress along with increasing exercise. Calcium and vitamin D supplementation may be useful. Anti-inflammatories such as naproxen may help with physical symptoms. Birth control pills may also be useful (oral contraceptive pill and the contraceptive patch). Diuretics have been used to handle water retention.
Seems like smaller meals more frequently throughout the day, adequate protein and fiber, exercise… birth control pills/ patch, these are recommended for at least two of your conditions.
Regarding your abusive behavior toward your boyfriend: because these conditions are so very common in women, to suggest to men to take abuse ONLY during certain days of the month is preposterous, ridiculous and senseless. Do all you can to minimize your symptoms and at the same time do not ask him to endure your abuse. Instead do not view your abuse of him as acceptable, no matter your medical conditions.
* Since you are only abusive to him during certain days of the month, and IF you cannot control yourself, find a different living arrangement for those days- so you are not living with him.
anita
November 29, 2016 at 10:21 am #121468clarefParticipantHello
I am 100% responsible for my behaviour. I am working with 2 therapists and a nutritionist. I eat extremely well and i exercise. I am doing everything I can to help manage this.
My first relationship was actually a female, she was mentally and physically abusive, I wasn’t attracted to her and I was manipulated into the relationship at 17 years old after splitting with my boyfriend of 3 years, she befriended me. Due to the fear of killing herself if I left her, I stayed with her for 6 years. She attempted once and so did her dad. It took a lot of inner strength and courage to take myself out of that relationship.
My current relationship could not be more different he is loving and sensitive. We are pretty much perfect aside this current problem. He doesn’t know how to handle this side of me, because he has never dealt with it before. Again, its not his fault. I just struggle due to my conditions and “past”.
I have had A LOT of health problems and family problems, which are probably the result of all this – however, I have worked with a therapist for over 6 yrs working through past and current events and root causes – this is a long road and it has got better, but we still have a long way to go. I have just had a 3 hour session. If I have 2 bad days a month, I believe its progress – not perfect, but it can be resolved. I have spoken with both therapists, who have advised to support me during this time – not accept it, as i am making a change (which is very different from accepting my behaviour).
November 29, 2016 at 2:31 pm #121506AnonymousInactiveSound like you’re doing all the right things. Maybe you could practice meditating together? It sounds like he’s not always in control either.
Maybe you could discuss together how you might claw back control and a sense of calm when an argument between you starts.
November 29, 2016 at 2:53 pm #121510Nina SakuraParticipantI have one tip to share which helps with that “angry snapping” point – usually when I feel that outburst of anger, my body is tense, I am frowning and feel like screaming. So body does give out signal that “okay I am about to blast” I wonder if that happens to you too when the outburst is about to happen.
When this does come about, what I do is retreat from the situation into a calmner surrounding before I say something, or do something that I will regret later.
When retreating is not an option, I clench my mouth shut, take a breath in and force myself to count to 20 backward mentally.
Then of course, the main question comes which always helps “will being this angry help?” And more importantly “what am I really pissed about?”
Some days when the hormonal mood swings happen, I usually keep some distance and take on less stress in order to avoid snapping at people unnecessarily.
November 29, 2016 at 2:55 pm #121511Nina SakuraParticipantI have talks about issues with people only when I am calmner – just wanted to clarify that retreating doesn’t mean I don’t talk about the problem with the other person.
December 4, 2016 at 3:32 pm #121917clarefParticipantThank you.
Yes i understand this. I am trying to ‘breathe’ more when i’m feeling tense. I’m having relapses, but thankfully I am now more self aware – which is the good news, so I can notice what is happening and the triggers etc.
It usually always happens at home. So I can retreat to another room, for me – I always like to ‘resolve’ everything there and then. So even if we agree to disagree for the next few hours i feel i couldn’t sleep that night until i’ve resolved it, but generally speaking i wouldn’t be in a place to discuss the same day. I have trouble ‘letting things go’…
Maybe there is a good book i could read? I always feel inspired for ‘change’ when i read.
December 5, 2016 at 3:54 am #121949VJParticipantHi claref,
Yes there is a book to read and it does not just contain reading material but contains exercises that will take you through the actual process if you do them as you read. This book/technique is especially useful when one has trouble in letting things go.
Direct link to the post:
(http://dev.tinybuddha.com/topic/letting-go-of-the-past-2/#post-121645)The anger issues you explained are natural for anyone and especially around the monthly cycles, but do not worry you will be able to release them with the book/technique. Once you are at a good practice of the technique you will even be able to do it while speaking to some other person or “at that moment” when your buttons are pushed.
Best Wishes!
VJDecember 5, 2016 at 11:50 am #121975clarefParticipantThanks so much VJ that’s really helpful 🙂
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