I have just had (2 days ago) a peaceful mutual break up with my girlfriend of 16 months and I am struggling between pain and knowing, asking myself if this is right. I know this is normal, but I am being pretty hard on myself right now and I don’t know if it’s justified. She was my first serious girlfriend. I came out as a lesbian in my early-mid 30s (I am now 36), which was painful and soul-searching and ultimately so worth it. I finally understood what it was to be enthusiastic about dating and relationships.
To me she is so beautiful, a lovely person and she liked me to. So we developed.
Our relationship was sweet and respectful. We had a lot of fun, dinners, days out, trips away.
We didn’t make it to the next level.
She wanted a child (she is a few years older than me at 42) and this was a huge almost unspoken issue. Apart from one conversation 2 months into our relationship, instigated by her, we never discussed it but it was always there. We knew we disagreed. Perhaps I/we couldn’t fully relax in the relationship as a result of this. We only talked about it again when we broke up; she says she had partly given up on the idea of a child before she even met me but partly is still asking herself whether she can do it.
I am not sure if I want to have a child, now or ever. I do have some days where I think it would be nice and I was even starting to think…maybe…but that is not enough, I know. I had done research into adoption and other options just to educate myself but never brought it up with her directly (though I did try to indirectly re-open the conversation) because I didn’t want to give her false hope. I wanted to be able to bring something definite and solid to the discussion and I did not feel definite or solid about this issue.
Now I am thinking, why didn’t we have more of a discussion and arrived at something definite and solid together? But I don’t know if that would have been possible. We basically disagree. The love I have for her makes me want her to at least have that chance.
Where I am beating myself up: why was I not able to be that woman for her? Why am I not ‘grown-up’ enough? Why don’t I have a maternal instinct? But if these are issues I have to get over, she doesn’t have time to wait. Hell, I barely do myself.
But the thing is, I am grown-up. I run my own business, I am done with partying, I am a person who loves learning, philosophising and depth. I am also definitely someone who needs time alone to recharge. Having children scares the crap out of me in that respect.
She, while sweet, kind, thoughtful and gentle, is also…scientific, logical, stoic, black and white to my grey, a ‘younger’ soul, if you will. I find our personality differences very hard to capture in words but very obvious to feel. She’s someone who would never enter into a conversation about soul ages, for example! In the relationship I found myself at times hiding my ‘weirdness’ from her. I stopped meditating because I knew she would have found it hard to understand. She would never have criticised me or ridiculed it, but something stopped me. This is my issue I know, not her fault.
So aside from the child issue, our personality differences for me meant at times a lack of emotional intimacy. I sometimes felt I couldn’t ‘reach’ her or if there was anything to reach. She has a lot of intellectual depth, though. I learned a lot from her and at times it compensated.
I think we were just different.
But I miss her.
I miss her sweetness and her beauty.
I’m not sure anyone else will be as solid and trustworthy as her.
This was not a dramatic relationship.
More spark would have been nice at times, for sure.
But I am so sad I was not able to be bolder. To say ‘let’s fight for this, let’s create a future even if we can’t see it right now’.
But even writing this I see that’s ridiculous.
Can anyone relate?