Dear Connie:

His parents hurt him a lot, I figure, this is why he doesn’t visit them. It is not that he was born without “the capability to love, or show people his love”. All children love their parents (their present parents, that is, parents living with and taking care of the child), and all children naturally show their love to their parents. It is when a child gets hurt for a long time by a parent, that he or she stays away from the parent.

His behavior with you is congruent with him having been severely mistreated by his parents.

anita

Dear Connie:

I am sorry things are better between you and him. The relationship has been troubled from the beginning, hasn’t it, and you tried hard all through, you are still trying. “I am not sure about what to do and how to make things better”, you wrote.

Maybe you should stop trying so hard, maybe if you stop saying and doing so much for him and for the relationship, maybe, just maybe he will rise to the occasion and try harder himself to make things better.

(I will be away from the computer for a while).

anita

Dear Connie:

I think that you made a few very good points in your recent post. I want to re-read it (as well as anything you may add to it before I return) when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning, in about 14 hours from now.

anita

If I was your friend Connie, I’d tell you to walk away from this relationship. The reality is that you will go up and down, round and round, push/pull throughout this relationship until one day in the future you’ll wake up and say ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and by that time you will be so attached to this person and moving on will be incredibly painful.

I tell you this because I have been there. Here are some things I’ve learnt:

1. Hurt people hurt people – it may be unintentional, it may be subconscious but he is and will continue to hurt you while you stay in this relationship

2. Never ignore red flags + when someone shows you who they are believe them – you are not just seeing and identifying some of his red flags, he’s verbally telling you them.

3. We can’t always be the hero. I would love to tell you that your deep, great love and reassurances will fill the big hole and voids in his heart but the cold, hard truth is that it doesn’t. He will heal when he chooses to take the steps to heal i.e. when he chooses to see a therapist and commit to it, when he learns to deal with his past and his issues. Until then, I can assure you that you are entering a rollercoaster.

4. Trust actions not words. Yes with his mouth he says he loves you and wants a future with you (which I believe he does) but what are his actions actually saying to you?

From what you describe, there is a lot about his relationships with his parents (and possibly his childhood) that I believe he hasn’t opened up to you about yet.

I would love to come back to this post in a year or two and so on and hear that the two of you are in a loving, healthy relationship but I think the reality is he has a lot of work to do on himself, by himself and unless you are willing to get on the rollercoaster ride with no guarantees at the end, this will be a very very emotionally challenging relationship for you.

Ask yourself, what you want from a relationship? You sound anxious like me. We want regular healthy communication with our partners, our relationships occupy a lot of our thoughts, we like to be reassured, we want commitment, we want true love…are you getting this from this relationship? I doubt it because this man is clearly, oh ever so clearly avoidant and depressed and has issues with alcohol.

Connie, you want emotional closeness, he is emotionally unavailable. You will likely eventually want to be around him more and more yet he makes excuses after agreeing to a two night sleepover ‘because he was sweaty and gross’ – why wouldn’t a simple shower solve this? He shuts down and withdraws from you – one of the worst things to do to an anxious person

I hope nothing I’ve said comes across as harsh, and we’ll be here whichever way it goes but I’ve been there so I’m talking from experience, I too thought I could be the person to save a broken man but it is definitely a journey they have to embark on them self and it’s not a good sign that he doesn’t want to proceed with therapy or medication because, nothing will change. What I will also tell you is ironically, the more you try to be there for him, the further you’ll push him away.

One thing I’ve learnt about humans is that as different as we all are, we largely follow behavioural patterns. The more you read about avoidants or being in a relationship with someone with depression or alcoholism, you will see that many before have followed the same behavioural patterns as him and the emotional impact it had on the person who loved them/was in a relationship with them.

Whatever you decide to do, I recommend you read Attached by Amir Levine. It’s incredibly accurate about Anxious/Avoidant relationships (the worst combo) & watch YouTube videos by Thais Gibson (Personal Development School) & Coach Craig Kenneth.