Hello.

So here I am again , on this website, lost again. I always come back to this. Please help me, I’m desperate <3

This time I will write about my one-sided (i think?) love story. And before you laugh at me while reading it, understans how I feel.

I live in a pretty small town, most of us know eachother and the places we go to are pretty much the same everyday. There was this asian restaurant open in our town for some time but I never went to it,I never really cared even though it was new. Back then I was fighting with my best friend, so i was spending time with other girls i became friends with which insisted on going to that restaurant. I went,and there was this guy working there which was pretty good lucking, he is the guy of this story,let’s call him Cola. All my friends were acting like they were in love at first sight,going crazy over him but really he didn’t get my attention that much,he was charming but not wow. We left the place and all my friends were dying to get his number and talk to him but they never did. It became a huge things because my friends told their friends and now he became a topic in my group of friends and other two. Some girls would go to his restaurant, I never went. Three months and a half pass,during these months my friends would bring up the topic of the guy at the restaurant. One of my friends had to leave to turkey for summer vacation with her step mom,but she really wanted to give her number to him and wanted my help. We had a plan it didnt work because he was not there,she left for turkey. One month later a friend of mine brought him up and said “Let’s just go give our numbers to him,I already have a boyfriend but I’ll do it for you so you’re the one who gets him out of all our friends”. I was like eh whatever,I have him my number and then he texted me later that day.

We started talking a lot,but had a language barrier , not that big but it was there. As you can see I speak english very well even though its my third language but he did not. We ended up talking english mixed with romanian. Let’s say we got to know eachother. Then we set up a “date”, he was supposed to bring his friend and i was supposed to bring mine. Well on the day of the day my friend suddenly stood me up and I had to go hang out with two guys alone. It was very awkward but that’s not important. His friend left at some point and gave us time alone. It went great,he was so nice and respectful,we got pretty close.

Now here’s the bad part. Age gap. Back then I was in my first year of highschool (now i’m in the second) and he should’ve been in college if he din’t drop out. So Cola lived most of his life in Taiwan then came in my city and his mom started a business. I could tell he was very depressed,he was basically just a teenage boy. He left his friends and now he was here. I didn’t pity him much but I thought it was a shame.

After that date I didn’t really like him but after more texting and thinking about he treated me , like any other stupid teenage girl I started liking him. Sadly my innocent and pure feelings i had back then, later turn into real love and lust.

Whenever I met him after that he would bring his friend,I really thought he was not interested in me. Two months pass,two months in which we have seen each other and hung out a couple of times but with me always being the one to start the conversation. I would always approach first but his replies were never too dry or rejecting. And so I started going crazy over him slowly. After some time I confessed my feelings for him through text (sadly,because we didnt see each other for a long tome). He didn’t really understand what I meant?? His reply was “So what do you want me to do with me” , I told him that liking him means I want to date him and spend time with him,stuff like that. Really I don’t know how you should explain relationships to someone…It’s like he never heard of the concept of being girlfriend of boyfriend and he was from another planet. He said “Fine. I’ll go on a date with you”. That date never came. But he didn’t stop talking to me. After I told him I liked him sometimed he would flirt with me and tell me very sweet things,as if he was my boyfriend. He would be very protective,if I was out too late he would make sure I get home safely and also didn’t like me wearing revealing clothes. Slowly and slowly he got more cold and I started being more in love.

It wasn’t anymore about the lovey-dovey stuff,about the teenage love stuff , the dates, none of that. I became cold,just like him. Now I geniuenly loved this person with all of my being. I was so worried for him,so sad for the fate he had and so sad that he couldn’t have anyone better than me. I wanted to gave him everything I had, my whole soul , my whole life. Well you may think “Oh boy that escalated quickly.” Really it did not,the things I am writing here are just small happenings which would make you understand the situation,but between all that time and what we talked with each other,all the time we spend together,there was so much feeling involved.

But still.

If he looked in my eyes i knew he could see right through me. But he never told me anything. He never told me he loves me,he never even told me he likes me,nothing. He would only text me in the evening after work. I couldn’t and still can’t tell,if he was a bad person or just depressed. I keep thinking I was very very selfish because we are talking about a depressed person who barely had the motivation to get out of bed. I then regretted everytime I confessed my feelings. Perhaps this person just needed a friend and someone to get out of his tough times. I did help him get better and he was more happy but…my love then got in the way,everytime.

Now I am more mature and realize everything, but back then I wasn’t. I thought that one text he didnt reply to meant he hated me. So here is what happened next,what immature me did next.

I stopped going to his workplace to visit him as Inwould do and I stopped texting him. I was waiting for one text,one goddamn text from him after everything, about anything. I always talked to him first so i thought,maybe if i stop being the one who talks first,after a few days he’ll contact me and wonder what’s wrong??

He never did. I could have even died and he wouldn’t have noticed. So two very painful months passed. No talking. I was very heartbroken and even though we never fought or “broke up” , i cried everyday for a week. After one month I could still not focus on anything. Well then I forced myself to forget about him,act like he died or moved back to Taiwan. Then one day I saw him on the street. Everything came back,by that I mean the memories. He was still everyday in my heart. Even if I got over him,everyday I would wake up and wonder if he eats well and is taking care of himself.

3 weeks ago he texted me to help me with his restaurant because it didnt do well. I was very cold and asked why would I help him. It’s december and we haven’t talked since august…and the only reason he texted me was to use me. So I ignored him

After that, I finally forced myself to delete him from my brain again,probably not from my heart. I would force myself to like other guys and stuff like that. It all worked. Until 5 days ago. No contact,no text,no encounter no nothing. I started crying hysterically and my heart hurt so much. I miss him,I miss him,I miss him, I even started regretting being cold 3 weeks ago,i keep thinking he is doing bad and he just needed helo even though that was an a-hole move. Now it hurts so much,I have this feeling I can’t explain and I’m absolutely intoxicated with it. Something inside of me tells me that if I let go of him i’ll let go of myself too.

What should I do? If I text him suddenly it will be very weird because I am pretty sure im in love alone. While I sat here crying he probably forgot about my existence altogether and only remember when he needed help….he probably thought of me of some little girl he messed up for fun with. My friend says she thinks he must have had some feelings for me but that I rushed it too much and he closed up because of his depressive issues. What do you think?