Hopeful,

I’m sorry for the emotional turmoil that you’ve been going through, I know what it is like to feel torn between the person people hoped you would be and the person you are. I’m happy that you’ve gained a bit of detachment from your mom, that is often a terribly difficult first step at any age or stage. The guilt is pretty normal, and hopefully you’ll find a way to work with it skillfully. I really like how as you look inward, you wish to become a better person for yourself and your children… which is awesome! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The first is that each of us, deep down (or not so deep down :)) yearn for momma’s love. She often comes to represent a lot of what love means in the world, and not only to we want to snuggle up to her, but we also want her to pour her unconditional love upon us. Unfortunately, sometimes our moms are twisted around a bit, and what we get from them is corrosive. As we see this and put distance between ourselves and mom, it leaves us feeling empty.

There is a parable of a glass of water, which represents our mind and body. When we absorb corrosive words, it is like adding salt to the water. Then, as we look inward, the drinking is bitter. As we do self nurturing activities such as reading loving insight, meditating, listening to music, playing with our kids, we are filling the glass with clear water. It is very refreshing, and it tastes great from the tap. Said differently, when we do things that are intentionally loving and healing, our mind and heart experience joy in the moment.

However, the water in the cup is still salty, so as we “lose our present moment awareness” by looking forward, backward, inward etc, the salt in the cup tastes bitter again. Sometimes it will be guilt, anger, pride, shame… but the emotion just comes up. Other times, it is the water overflowing from the glass. One of my teachers described it as “squeezing the sponge” where we take in good water and it pushes the bad to our awareness. This is a normal decompression of old suppressed feelings and is quite normal.

The solution is to keep pouring into the glass, and not get caught up in the bitter taste. Said differently, in meditation, as thoughts arise we note them “this is a thought” and gently move our mind back to the meditation object. We do the same for discursive emotions… we notice “this is guilt” and move our awareness back to the present moment, the meditation object, playing with our kids or whatnot. By working with our emotions in this way, we are preventing our mind from adding new salt to the glass.

Another thing that came to mind is you might still have some attachment to your mom’s words, her views. For instance, if she told you never to eat chocolate, and you do, a voice in your head might try to convince you that chocolate is bad and you are bad for eating it. If you notice this happening, you can speak to that voice as one of your kids. “Thanks for trying to help me find a good path, but its OK for me to eat chocolate. I will be moderate, and it is safe for me to trust my desires.”

You’ve seen how difficult its been for your mom… imagine how painful it must be inside her to make her see and treat people in such a way. That alone should be enough for you to question and detach from her “wisdom”. Just because she is a parent, doesn’t mean she knows how this world works, or how to cultivate a path of joy! It is fair and right to look upward for that, to find people with gardens in bloom and get the help you’re looking for. Which is precisely what you’ve been doing! Huzzah!

With warmth,
Matt

Hopeful, I really like your name. Those tidal waves of saddness is something I can’t seem to get on top of on some days. I try my best to surf out the waves when they come but there are days i feel like I may drown. Just hang in there, surf and ride those waves the best you can! They do come and go,so just remember in the middle of the wave that low tide is coming. Peace and love to you