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Want to Find a Special One but not at the Expense of Fun

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  • September 4, 2014 at 11:33 am #64389
    Trevor
    Participant

    I have always (since I was very little) wanted a special one, and it seems to be intertwined in my psyche that the more there is infidelity/having multiple partners things feel less special or real, so I have always really hated the idea of sharing intimacy with other people and feel betrayed when this happens and feel terrible and uncomfortable with it.

    I feel like I am juxtaposed against a society that really thinks that it is immature to believe that there is true love or in any romanticization of love, and that a person should just have as much fun as possible with as many partners as possible. Maybe I am immature, or maybe it’s the other way around, but I feel really confused because I want to find a special someone, but I don’t want to date someone just because they have “had their fun” and no longer finds sleeping with other people viable. I guess I’m just narcissistic but when I’m in a relationship where a person isn’t really there to stay or treats me like one of many it just doesn’t feel right…

    I really try to just have fun and mess around but it doesn’t feel right to me. I feel like I’ve been betrayed so many times before that everyone has this sort of agenda where they secretly want to sleep around with everyone or will grow bored in a stable relationship and don’t really care about me. It’s probably an insecurity and not justified, but how do I work this out and feel safe again and maybe have a shot at love? If love is even possible…

    Sometimes I feel like an up-tight prude and I really don’t want to be that way and I don’t want my partner to be that way either… I’m afraid if I go after someone who is also a bit sexually reserved then they won’t want to open up with me either and might be frigid or something…

    Yes I know that there is a lot of fear and that is not good or maybe is good but how do I find someone who is loyal and trustworthy and sexually fun, but treats me as special too and doesn’t sleep around and cheat?

    September 4, 2014 at 11:56 am #64391
    Trevor
    Participant

    I also find it very difficult to “have fun” with someone I don’t feel close to and safe with… Which is problematic when dating seems to be a numbers game

    September 5, 2014 at 7:07 am #64423
    didi2136
    Participant

    Hi Trevor,

    First of all,I really liked to read your post because I think in the same way. I’m in a relationship and we both want to make it last, even we don’t know what is going to happen in the future. So far, I’ve had two serious relationships and this is the third one. I always wanted a relationship that lasted a lifetime but now I know that it’s impossible because everything can change. You can change, the person you love can change.

    When I don’t have a boyfriend, I felt really alone. It came to a point that I wasn’t prepared to love again. So I decided to take a chance on a relationship where I don’t have any worries and I just let go and have some fun. That’s what I thought was going to happen but I felt even worse about myself. But that is my conclusion about me, I’m not a person in that kind of relationships because I can’t do it. I have to feel a real connection with this person and nobody else matters.

    Some people can have fun with multiple persons just for pleasure and maybe never want a relationship. But some can later want a serious relationship, that is perfectly normal. We have to try both sides to understand what we really want.

    All I can say is that you will find someone that really loves you. And that person will only want to be with you. Believe me, when you really love someone, whatever happened in the past, doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is that you find your soulmate. Just be patient and let things happen.

    September 5, 2014 at 2:22 pm #64452
    Reanna
    Participant

    Hi Trevor,
    I think many people out there think like you, including myself. I was taught at an early age that in order for someone else to respect me, I must respect myself first and to me, “having fun” with people isn’t necessarily respecting myself, it’s only a means to satisfy natural human desires. I think the key to finding someone who wants the same thing is being real with people. When I first met my current boyfriend, I told him very honestly that I wasn’t looking for games. Whether that meant us being platonic friends, or investing in a romantic relationship, I felt like I had to extend that open line of communication between us. And prior to my boyfriend, I communicated that to people who were interested in pursuing me. Some appreciated it, and others didn’t even bother talking to me again, but the fact is, the ones who appreciated that and stuck around were the ones who were genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person. I think that communication is key. Even when in a relationship, two people may have two different ideas on what it means to open up, however with open communication and a willingness to understand, finding someone who truly values you and cares about your feelings/perspectives, you can invest your time and love into something more than just having fun.

    All the best,
    Reanna

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