Home→Forums→Relationships→Want to fight for our partnership
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Anonymous.
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April 11, 2020 at 12:18 pm #348856
AnonymousGuestDear Mai:
I will be able to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in a few hours. I hope other members reply to you before I return.
anita
April 11, 2020 at 5:37 pm #348900AnonymousGuestDear Mai:
“If I was your friend and I came to you with this story, what advice could you give me? Should I keep talking to him, meet him once this crisis is over and see where we’re at?”-
I would send him this message: You ended our relationship this past January. I feel that you freaked out by something and rushed into a decision because you tend to think on the spot and make rash decisions. I am pretty sure the army did not dictate to you who you can or can’t date, that there are no rules against dating foreigners. I suspect you had too much on your plate, and when you were told that issues may arise due to your relationship with me, you took the fastest way out, but I don’t understand why you didn’t even try to discuss it with me.
I am not interested in any communication with you before you explain to me what led you to end our relationship. If you choose to not explain it to me, I will accept it, and wish you well. But without an explanation, I will no longer communicate with you because you ending our three years relationship is an event I can’t ignore: I can’t pretend that our relationship never happened, nor can I ignore the fact that you chose to end it.
I know that we are in the midst of a pandemic and I am not suggesting that you bother yourself with anything other than what’s in front of you. Be as safe as you can be, take good care of yourself, and you are welcome to contact me if and when you want to explain to me what happened.
-the end.
What do you think?
anita
April 12, 2020 at 12:21 am #348938
MaiParticipantThank you for your reply Anita.
You are suggesting I give an ultimatum. I see the point but I am not so sure it’s the right way forward or aligned with my beliefs.
Will need to think on it.
April 12, 2020 at 6:02 am #348976AnonymousGuestDear Mai:
You are welcome. When I posted to you earlier, it didn’t cross my mind that I was suggesting an ultimatum, but I suppose it is an ultimatum, as in: contact me if and when you are willing to explain to me why you broke up with me, and not before. This would have suited me because if I was in your place (based on the little information I have), I would be too upset and impatient to keep communicating with him while he never bothered to explain to me why he broke up with me. But you may very well be a more patient, more forgiving person than I am. I hope you post again, because I would like to learn how you do that, how you manage to be so positive, patient and even-keeled!
anita
April 12, 2020 at 11:14 am #348954
kibbinsParticipantHi, wow this was a bit of a moving story. It already sounds like he wants to be back together. You are holding the power at this point. I would continue being a bit aloof and eventually agree to see him when he is back, and when that happens if he tries to move forward demand answers/only be willing to give him another chance if he demonstrates why and how he has learned or grown and that he is actually dedicated this time. But I don’t recommend an ultimatum. You could also have this conversation over text or facetime.. But either way it sounds like what you are doing is good in at least him realizing he made a mistake and that you have a good head on your shoulders
April 13, 2020 at 7:57 am #349144MaiParticipant@ Anita
I think we all react differently based on our experiences, needs, and values. I grew up with hippieish parents who preached compassion and always putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and I still apply this to my life simply because it helps me process things. Truth be told, forgiveness was a major weak point for me, until the day I realized that the only person I am harming by not forgiving is actually myself. This quote by T.D. Jakes resonates with me :” I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It’s a gift you give yourself.” When I think of it this way, it becomes a much easier thing to do and I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders immediately 🙂
April 13, 2020 at 8:00 am #349150MaiParticipantI sometimes feel this whole story is a little bit crazy and it’s good to hear that it at least sounds like I am keeping my head cool 🙂 I think it’s sound advice anyway, especially looking for growth and dedication before making any decisions. Thank you!
April 13, 2020 at 10:49 am #349194AnonymousGuestDear Mai:
You wrote: “we all react differently based on our experiences.. I grew up with hippieish parents who preached compassion and always putting yourself in someone else’s shoes”- excellent point. I grew up with a very angry, very judgmental mother who preached that other people are bad people. So, yes, you and I do react differently based on our very different early life experience.
Yes, I need to do this more: to put myself in someone else’s shoes, to practice more compassion for other people. On the other hand, I do intend to continue to see .. the good, the bad, and the ugly, as the saying goes, about myself and about others. I don’t want to be blinded to reality because of compassion. Example: abused people often feel compassion for the abuser, and therefore continue to avail themselves to the abuser, that’s a misplaced compassion.
Thank you for getting back to me. I hope to read more from you.
anita
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