recently I re-lived an experience which took place several years ago and practically the same thing happened the second time around-I am acutely too aware of little details surrounding relationships with others and especially when a girl is involved,then my focus goes into overtime and i end up arriving at all sorts of ” conclusions” based on what I think or imagine to have transpired.

In this anxiety phase of things I tend to over-analyze things and the flurry of emotions which are often conflicting sends me into a kind of virtual shut down state where I am incapable of selecting the correct reaction to the external stimuli of being around people, especially of a girl is involved-I end up having virtual conversations with the girl in question and seem to be able to predict their reactions to what i might say or do with the result that I am then incapable of relating normally to that girl even just on a peer to peer basis.My problem is that during that assumption phase – i tend to really show my confusion and frustration for trying to figure out what is going on in the mid of the other, why they do or say certain things and it becomes a source of deep internal conflict.

Over the years i have developed a way of tuning out the noise by what i can now only describe as a form of self harm.Even though it is detrimental to me , I can only resort to it as a way to block out all the conflict but which at the same time causes me a lot of distress.I should like to stop and indeed recently, may be through the effects of a group of concerned persons who either want to hammer me into shape or set me right have made a lot of progress in veering away from self harm .

However what persists is the fact that i react inadequately when i am in that state fo frustration and though calm on the surface , underneath there are all sorts of emotions boiling which end up giving way to anti social behaviour which of late has really tipped the scale.I do and say things which I regret very soon after but , after the damage is done, I am left to pick up the pieces and start from Zero at the relationship level with friends, workmates and even casual acquaintances who must find my behavior irritating and estranged.I have come to believe that i do have Asperger’s syndrome , having met in my own observations a lot of the criteria but I am not in a position to get and MRI or full diagnosis to confirm and it does have a sliding scale meaning you can have a degree of the effects but not all as well as the odd occurrence that it manifests in different persons in different ways.

Anyway recently , with a girl involved i have said and done things which I regret and feeling remorse is one thing but getting back on normal terms both with the girl in question and the remainder of peers is really difficult, especially when forces seem to lay themselves against you and your anti social behaviour, maybe just because they can’t understand or feel the effects somehow very negatively.i am left in a permanent state of interior conflict to which the only answer I find is to withdraw,As soon as I have less contact with people i feel immediately better and ” venture ” again back into society where i find relationships have been strained and broken from the previous time and I start at zero again.The strain of this vicious cycle is taking a heavy toll- I find I am able to deal easily with people one on one but when they are in a group the psychology changes and i get set back a couple of notches because of these broken strands.

At this point I can only try to repair one by one because being on good terms with others is important to me, however I seem to be always split in half. I write just to get things clear on paper because I know there is not clear cut solution that will work like magic.thanks for reading