Anita, thank you.  I guess i wasn’t very consistent or clear.  So with my ex girlfriend.  up until the last couple months I really wasn’t waiting “our entire relationship” like  I said.  Sorry, i need to proof read my stuff before posting.  Being a semi-long distance relationship was working.  She texted or called me as much or more than i did her.  In fact she would call me almost every morning on her way to work, once or twice through the work day, and on her way home, then again before bed.  in the meantime, we would text non-stop all day almost every day.  let alone always sending selfies and stuff.  If she didn’t hear from me in a while she would text me first and the same goes with me and her.  the “waiting”  I guess really began when her oldest son’s issues came about.  Then I was getting pushed aside a lot or she didn’t feel like talking that night, or he was home so we weren’t going to see each other because they were fighting the whole time…  I remained patient and understanding.  I didn’t push or anything for a while.  She knew it was hard for me and just kept telling me that she appreciated it and will make it up to me.  Unfortunately, those words came out very frequently in the last couple months to where, i was thinking “when”.  That’s when i started pushing.  When I should of really let her go then to handle what she needed.

By causing my own unhappiness.  What  i meant by that was that i never really made it a point to have a real face to face conversation with her when things were going bad.  I was too afraid and insecure.  I thought if i try to talk to her about this then she will just give up and leave.  Well that worked out didn’t it….  So instead i was always trying to figure it all out on my own.  I did way too much google research and that complicated things even more in my brain.  If i would of told her when i started feeling neglected that we needed to really talk, and if i would of told her how i really feel and asked her what she truly needed from me. (in fact, she always told me to tell her how i feel, not what i think she wants to hear, and i didn’t)  I think I wouldn’t of been so miserable.  It might of sucked, especially if she did need more time without me in the picture to get shit under control.  But in the end it would of been better.   And she did tell me things, but i didn’t listen.  Even when she would text i found my self skimming and only seeing key words in the text.  I started only reading or hearing what i wanted to hear.(not that I wanted to hear bad stuff).  I was blinded and only saw that she didn’t want me at that time, when in fact she did want me.  she just couldn’t handle that at that time also.

So my current girlfriend…  I am comfortable around her all the time, that doesn’t mean there are things that worry me.  In fact we kind of had a small fight this weekend.   That was uncomfortable.  She does have a minor drinking problem.  Which i don’t know if that’s something that i can  continue with.   at first I thought, that’s cool, she likes to let loose once in a while.  Well once in a while is more often than i would think.   And with her kids.  That’s a struggle.  They are out of control and control her.  It’s all a big mess.  I have small ones of my own.  I’m not trying to praise myself.  But my girls respect me and listen.  with her kids(ages 7&9).  it’s always a fight about something and it ends up being screaming/arguing/crying by the kids and she will just give in.  She has asked me to help with discipline and keeping them in line, but i’m not comfortable with that and when i have, she would fold and give in to them anyways.   Our little fight this weekend has really got me thinking though.  I’m going to talk to her tonight and tell her that I don’t know if i can do this.  And that i’ve also been having thoughts about my ex. and that’s not fair to any of us.  That i need some time to figure out my shit.  It’s kind of good timing anyways.  She will be working a late swing shift this week and gone the next week.  So it might be good for us to have some time apart so i can get my head straight.

So back to my ex.  I did send her  that b-day message.  She replied “you’re so incredibly sweet” “thank you” and did a heart emoji.

that’s the last i heard.  But she was visiting family all weekend.  And I guess she is in a “relationship” still.  And who knows, he may of been there this weekend with her.  I don’t know.  We told each other that we won’t talk about our currents with each other.

So i guess long story short… I have a lot of soul searching to do.

1.  I really have to figure out what is happening with my ex.  I need to get some kind of answer sooner than later, cause i can’t do this whatever it is we have been doing much longer.  It’s tearing me up.  I need to know either we are going to try again or not. And if not, then i need to end all communication with her because it’s killing me slowly.  I found that i have reverted and am now thinking about her all the time.  Not in a creepy way, just that she is on my mind.  Where as before we started communicating again. I was forgetting about her and focusing more on me.

2.  I need to take a break from my current.  and i need to have a good talk with her about everything that is causing flags with me. If we are to end up together, i can’t repeat my mistakes i made with my ex by omitting things and feelings with her.  She needs to know how i feel at all times.  Omitting my feelings is what screwed up everything with my ex.  It all festered inside of me causing resentment.  I really believe that was a large cause of our problems.

3.  I need to really figure out what i need/want.  If i can’t see myself with anyone else than my ex.  Then i need to let go and be alone until i can.  Which freakin sucks ass.  But i do.  I hate feeling lonely.  When you are with someone.  You should be able to think to yourself, i would like to marry her someday.  Not that you ever would or have to, but that thought should come up.  For me right now, i think I still miss my ex and have too strong of feelings for her to let myself accept anyone else in my life.  With my current GF, i can see us living together, ect….  But i haven’t had that “i want to marry her someday’ feeling.  more of this is the right thing to do…  which it’s not if I’m not all in.

WOW.  Sorry about the book…  I guess i’m more of a mess than I thought.  I just know this.  With my ex.  I do love her, with all of me.  I really don’t think there isn’t anything i wouldn’t of done for her, or still do for her.  I don’t know why, but it’s true.  i have never ever felt this way about anyone before.  NEVER.

With my current GF.  I love her as well.  But not the same.  I do whatever i can to help her.  Cause that’s just the type of person i am.  I do love her though.  But i can’t give her all of me like i should.  I do think about her, but not like i should and as frequently as I should, especially being in a  new relationship when i should be goo goo ga ga over her.   Soooooo, i need some time.  Time to figure out what i really want and need to do and what will come with everything.

I really hate this.  I wish i would of never met my ex sometimes.  For someone to make you feel like you are in heaven and the love i felt with her and from her.  I really can’t explain how great it felt.  Never been that happy in my life.  Now it’s gone.  I would of been so much better off never knowing that feeling.   What’s funny is before i met her i never understood how people would meet, then wishing months they would be living together, within a year or two be married.  and be happy forever.  With her, i totally could.  I just know that neither of us could handle all the shit that happened when it did.  sucks.   Life sucks sometimes.  I really think if we would of met a year later.  everything would of been fine.  Or if i could of been a real man and given her the time she needed and space and actually listened to her instead of trying to fix it all.  Things would of been fine also.  SUCKS!  All of this sucks…..

I’ll quit rambling…

Well what do you think about all that.  I know i’m freaking hurting.  I’m such a romantic.  I wish I was a hard cold man that only thought about himself.  unfortunately i’m not. I keep thinking, somehow, someday we will be back together and she is going to love me again like she did.  She really did.  I never felt like that before.

I feel like i’m a magnet for women with drama and problems.  maybe it’s what i crave on an unconscious level.

I don’t know.  I know i’m tired of hurting.  Wish this pain would just go away.

What’s screwed up is all it would take is one text or call from  my ex saying she wants to try… and i would feel like i’m on top of the world.

Maybe I’m destined to be alone and miserable.  Why is this so hard?  Why can’t “it” just happen.  I feel like such a P$$%Y.  Sorry bout my language, but that’s what if feels like.  I’ve tried counseling.  it really didn’t seem to help.  Maybe i’m just too stubborn.  I really don’t know.

Feelings defeated like this sucks.  I just want to feel happy again, make someone(her) happy again.  🙁

wow!  sounds like i’m the one that has issues…

you know, one thing my ex did tell me after we split up is that i only heard what i wanted to.  How the hell do i fix that if that’s true?  I so bad just want to be there and help, but i guess i’m the one who needs help.  maybe i should date at all if that’s the case.  maybe i’m the one with drama….

thanks.  hard to accept the fact that i thought i was doing the right thing and if fact i was doing the opposite.  and because of that i pushed away someone very important in my life.  tough pill to swallow.