Hello dear Tinybuddha friends!

I have been following this site for a while and appreciate the warmth of the community.

My main query today is: is there a way I may approach dating apps with clarity and spirit? Or, is this inherently something that is detrimental to my soul?

Here is some context about me. I am a young man, 23 years of age, who came out as male multiple times (15 years old, 20 years old…etc) and in the past 3 years I achieved the adult body I dreamed of having as a child, that I didn’t think was possible to achieve. I have been in 10+ relationships with people of multiple genders, though I am now primarily interested in women. I am autistic, though I mask socially and most people are not able to tell. I have had a few serious long-term relationships over the past few years, but my most recent “big breakup” was in late 2020. I am grateful for the enormous spiritual growth that that breakup provided me; I believe I have gotten through it and embraced its timely end.

In 2021, I realized I am a Quaker, and therefore I committed to abstain from alcohol, pornography, smoking, cursing, and watching graphic depictions of violence. I had been attempting to quit these for years, but my faith in myself made me want to truly commit to stopping, especially pornography which was my biggest addiction, as it felt like the largest escape from my insecurities. My inner peace has grown significantly since I quit all of these things. It felt like I was honoring the child in me.

In prior years such as 2019 – while I desperately was trying to build fame, fortune, and ego – I partook in all aforementioned indulgences (drinking, smoking, porn, etc) and part of this was dating apps. Looking back, I no longer relate to those profiles from only two years ago – the shameless dirty jokes and bravado feel immature and even violating to my present self. Yet, my relentless tirade got me more matches than I could keep up with – perhaps because of the sheer shameless confidence it exuded, or perhaps because I lived in an enormous city at the time.

However, ever since I embraced my faith and became more reclusive, moving to the countryside, I feel like I have become more awkward and vulnerable when it comes to online dating. After having only a match or two this past February, I completely deactivated most of my profiles across all apps. Summarizing my entire self into bytes feels like an insult and a dehumanization. Trying to assemble a bouquet of “attractive” pictures, all while imagining the faults others would see, knocks down my self-esteem. If only they could only meet me in real life, I think, they’d feel my energy, and I could win them over! But if they’re just judging my worth based on words and images, I feel like of course I’ll lose to the  6″1 lacrosse-playing law student who copies and pastes a sexy one-liner from Twitter as his biography and has a six-pack and a dog. Writing a dating bio that’s true to who I am feels like a paradox. And writing it feels like this:

When I use these apps, I hear a deafening silence, which seems to say, “No one is interested in you.” And this feels a lot like a rejection, which pushes me towards insecurity, even though I think I am not so bad looking and I am proud of the mature person I am becoming. And I do believe I am ready to approach my next partner from a place of curiosity and genuine interest, rather than doing backflips to impress partners so they don’t leave (what I did in years past).

It feels like the more honest I am, the more it hurts when I am rejected. I can’t stand the image of dozens of strangers reading my profile, looking at me, and going “Nah, he’s ugly” without even knowing me, my art, my music, my ancestry, etc. (I hear an inner critic say I am taking this way too personally, but this is the truth of how I feel.)

Inversely, by using the app, I’m also agreeing to judge people into oblivion simply based on their face, body, clothing, race, and a few sentences meant to summarize their entire life. And when I get on an app like this I can easily swipe away, categorizing human beings into would and wouldn’t, before I realize 20, 30, even 40 minutes have gone by. It is like an eerie, objectifying meditation based on assumptions. How can such a practise be ethically permissible? Something about this mutual shallowness feels unsettling and wrong. Spiritually and logically, dating apps seem like an indulgence to avoid.

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So, what is drawing me to them? Well, this feels like the most relevant way to find people my age to date. I think this is better than meeting people at events, because there is usually: age discrepancy; they’re taken; and/or they’re not interested in me and suddenly I feel ashamed for asking a girl out at an art event when she’s just having fun and being herself. I think dating apps are better than reaching out to fans and dating them, which I have done in my youth and which I now know creates paternalism and a power imbalance.

I keep hearing from childhood friends, written articles, and even my therapist that putting myself out there on a dating app is my best chance of achieving fun dates and possibly a relationship.

One of my largest goals in life is to enjoy the beautiful Universe, so it only makes sense to open these doors of opportunity and cross paths with diverse lives that inhabit my world. Plus I still want to continue discovering who I am through dating.

This has all been on my mind and it is a relief to type it out. Thank you for reading!

What do you think? I hope to hear more thoughts on this complex matter.