It went rubbish.
Probably the most difficult interview I’ve ever had.
Wasn’t even for the job I thought it was.
I thought it was claims handling, but it turned out to be injury claims handling.

It started off with a worksheet and I could hardly answer anything. Not that I care, because I don’t give a damn about injury and weren’t to know because I haven’t done it before.

The competency based questions were really hard and I was in a rubbish, tired and anxious mood throughout.
It’s hard to fake interest when inside you hate everything.
I know I don’t want another rubbish job like this.
It isn’t me.

But how else am I supposed to make money?
I’m too nervous to perform on stage and use my talents in music.
I feel like it’d be easier just to end it all, so I don’t have to worry anymore.

Thank you all very much for your responses; especially Spidey who has reached out to me several times now.

Unfortunately, I do have more than a few days like in the last post – In which I feel helpless and hopeless and … suicidal.
I’ve always been against medication and refuse to take it (due to bad experience in the past), so things aren’t always easy because that’s one less option. But I want to beat this on my own, knowing a drug isn’t artificially making things seem okay.
CBT is certainly very useful, as well as making time to relax and enjoy myself.
Sometimes, something goes wrong and it just seems to trigger a whole host of previous mishaps and regrets.
But yeah, that job was no big deal. I just felt bad about myself as a person afterwards.

I had a really good weekend in the end.
Part of my problem is that things look the same as they did years ago, externally, because I’ve stayed in the same comfort zone (even though it’s not all that comfortable at times). This weekend, I went to my girlfriend’s parents house in a place called Spalding. I rarely travel far from home and haven’t had a real holiday in years. I was partly dreading this (because I didn’t want to fall into depression – which seems to happen so suddenly, without reason at times – while there), and turned down a few offers to visit previously because of my anxieties, but I ended up having a really good time and it did me good to get away from my room and family – who I’ve been clashing with a lot as of late.

I need more refreshers and adventures like that. I’ve become so used to my surroundings, that everything is uninspiring and, when I’m walking around the same field every day (I love nature), I end up thinking *Well, here I am… Still depressed. Wasn’t I walking this exact same path 5 years ago? Things haven’t got better at all. I’m screwed. Might as well kill myself*… etc (Not all the time, but when I’m done, which is pretty often).

I’ve downloaded a couple of brain training apps on my iPhone because I’ve realised that my brain’s been becoming more of a problem over the years – memory, focus and that… Epigenetics shows that the brain isn’t a constant and changes for better or worse depending on lifestyle. Thinking negatively over the years has shaped my brain negatively. It’s so used to feeling bad about life and seeing things through a gloomy perspective (i.e. Look at those sheep in the field. They’re all destined to be killed horribly in a slaughterhouse, because humans are greedy and evil). I’m training my brain to learn more. I’ve also downloaded an App for anxiety, where you click the happy face (out of 4 faces) as quick as possible. This apparently trains the brain to focus on the positive, and notice it more. Kind of makes sense, and the app was only £1.49. This form of therapy is called CBM (Cognitive Bias Modification) and I hadn’t heard of it before. Some suggest it helps social anxiety.

That’s all I have to say for now, really.
I applied for a few jobs this morning, so I’m going to take it easy and relax this afternoon.
Feeling pretty tired right now.

I’d love to go hiking abroad somewhere… Will definitely look to do it next year.
During the summer, I spend more time outside. Sometimes go for 2 hour walks.
Keen for the spring already haha.

I think being off from work (that won’t be for much longer) gives me more time to be mindful of what I’m doing, and gives me opportunities to test myself. Before, when I worked in a massive open plan office, I’d come home exhausted mentally (I’m an introvert) and so the weekend was usually spent retreating from the outside world.

I can’t imagine heading out to a bar by myself.
I have had a really good night in the past where a friend never showed up though.
I was sitting on my own in a club (alternative music, not a ravey club), on Facebook.
Ended up having these dudes ask what I was doing on my own.
I said I was waiting to see if my friend was coming, and I ended up having a cool night with them.
One of the best ever. So many random things happened.

I don’t go out drinking and that now though.
My motivation in the past was to meet a girl.
Now, I have an awesome girlfriend, so no need.
I can see how that would be a good training environment though.
I guess it’s all about being okay with being uncomfortable.
It’s funny how paralyzed we can become, all because of some feelings and emotions that can really do us very little harm (I believe too much stress, etc, can be harmful).

Got a playlist of songs/videos you could put together for those of us interested in inspiration?
I guess Eye of the tiger is a good start.

By the way mate, how old are you and what do you do for a living?

I’ll check out your list of tracks in the other thread.
Nice one