Home→Forums→Relationships→Update on my never ending stressful relationship
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January 22, 2018 at 6:08 am #188021
Soul-searcherParticipantDear Anita,
Like ive said before she now comes every day and spends time with us, i don’t really spark up many conversations anymore like i used to, im just being very neutral with her. I am going to go have some blood tests done especially for my thyroid and the hospital is quite far away and she offered to take me, i took her up on that offer lol, She has also started to be a lot nicer to mum, she must have felt bad for what happened. She is my sister after all and i do love her but i need to stop showing her that she has any power over me whatsoever.
I also have a little update for you, remember i told you i was waiting for my partner to tell me about the opening of the application to come to my country for his deployment, he sent me a picture saying it has opened up for near the end of this year, but apparently theres another one that is due next year. Which means if he doesnt get this one then i have to wait another year and i really dont know if i want to. He has been quiet about it all to be honest, he just said he has applied for the one for this year, i dont know if this is true, quite messed up at how little trust i have for this man 🙁 But no one can blame me.
Blessings
x
January 22, 2018 at 8:17 am #188061
AnonymousGuestDear Alexandra:
I hope your health is well and that your visit with your sister driving you to the hospital is pleasant enough. Regarding your UK boyfriend, well.. the “never ending stressful relationship” keeps going and going, isn’t it? But not so stressful at the moment, correct? I mean in between the times you get together in person, in between those times there is some quiet and in it hope.
Is it so?
anita
January 23, 2018 at 10:45 am #188283Soul-searcherParticipantHello Anita,
Visit to the hospital went ok thank you, i have found i have a deficiency in Vitamin D, quite funny really since i live in such a sunny country. Maybe knowing this now and taking the correct Vitamin D supplements i can start seeing a difference in a lot of things that come with being deficient in vitamin D.
In regards to relationship, well i havent seen him in 2 months as he is deployed to a war zone, things are ok to be honest, not too bad yet not great. Distance is always a killer but we talk every day as much as possible.
Blessings
x
January 23, 2018 at 11:03 am #188297AnonymousGuestDear Alexandra:
I appreciate the update. I hope your boyfriend survives the war zone. Too bad there are war zones…
A vitamin D supplement then may do wonders for you, I hope.
anita
January 24, 2018 at 8:14 pm #188785Soul-searcherParticipantHello Anita,
Thank you for your concern. You are right too bad there are war zones, it is so sad how so many people are suffering 🙁
Blessings x
January 24, 2018 at 9:59 pm #188799
CarolinParticipantHi Alexandra,
I am new to this forum and your post so I don’t know you as well as other participants may do.
I wanted to say that we recreate our past in our childhood again and again. I had a farther that was never there for me, who I was not important to, and I wanted his love (which I did not get). I was imprinted by this relationship and thought – this is love.
The truth is – this is NOT love. It is what we think is love. I just recently got out of a rollercoaster relationship with a man that acted sometimes like my farther. He did not take care of me as I deserved. And I loved him VERY much.
My take away is – we can still care about these people, but we are really wired very weirdly and in such way that we are reproducing things that we survived in the past. And its very painful. All this pain has a chance to surface and heal.
I don’t think life should be painful, complicated etc. You are the creator of your life and so have you also attracted this person into your life because your brain is wired in that way.
You come first. He won’t take care of you – but you can. You can take care of yourself, love yourself, spend your life with yourself, make yourself happy. You should be number 1 priority. If you can do this, somebody right for you will come and you won’t have to feel all this anxiety anymore.
If you can not break up with him now, then there might need to come a time where you hit rock bottom… I mean wanting to commit suicide already sounds VERY serious. This already should be a wake up call. Do you really think that his love is worth your death? Even though I have experienced how my heart was ripped apart in break ups and I wanted to die, you have to trust that are are MUCH stronger than you think.
I wish you the best and I hope you can find your path to yourself.
January 25, 2018 at 8:58 pm #189115Soul-searcherParticipantHello Carolin,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
I guess deep down we know when love feels right and when it does not. I knew what he was doing was wrong and the way he was treating me was wrong especially after i gave him everything he ever asked for. Anything i do i always put my heart and soul into it. I think my biggest problem is i have no self worth or self love left in me, so when i get treated like this i think its what i deserve, or maybe like you said its recreating my past, as we are all pretty much creatures of habit.
Like you said above i need to make myself number one priority, all my life i thought this was being selfish and i have to get out of that habit of thinking, that putting myself first is un selfish and does not mean that i am hurting others. Love should be magical and feeling safe that he can look after you and that he would never betray you, that you dont need to have that constant worry that he will hurt you or abandon you.
Unfortunatley yes ive hit rock bottom in regards to our relationship and no its not worth my death, but that isnt the only thing that comes to my mind when i have these suicidal thoughts, its about my whole life in general.
I hope in time by practising self love and just keep on growing within my self i can find the right path to walk on and finally be at peace and happiness with myself.
Blessings.
x
January 27, 2018 at 6:26 am #189297AnonymousGuestDear Alexandra:
My comment regarding your last share: not only is it not hurting others to put yourself first, that is to put your well being as your first priority (“putting myself first is unselfish and does not mean that I am hurting others”), it is helping others, or most likely to help others. I can’t even think of the why of it, at this particular moment, but this is my experience, at one point and on during my healing process.
We only think, believe that placing our well being as our number one priority is a … bad thing. That is so because as children we were punished for doing so. But it was not a bad thing then and it is not a bad thing now. It is a good thing.
anita
January 29, 2018 at 6:02 am #189557Soul-searcherParticipantDear Anita
I agree with everything you say 🙂 It is true, not everyone feels this way, but i think this was conditioned from my mother as my mother is the same, she will put everyone before her no matter how she feels and i get this from her. My sisters on the other hand are completely different. It does feel selfish to me when i say no to something i dont agree with or in general just putting myself first, it is a horrible habit i need to get rid of!
Blessings
x
January 29, 2018 at 7:12 am #189569AnonymousGuestDear Alexandra:
It is common for two siblings to take the opposite behaviors as a result of a parent acting a certain way. Maybe your sister observed your mother putting others first and decided: I don’t want to be like this! And she puts herself first, to the extreme. You observed your mother and took on your mother’s behavior. The Middle Way, that is putting oneself first and conducting win-win interactions and relationships with others is the right and healthy way.
But children take on the extremes. And unless correcting later on, keep those extremes going.
anita
January 31, 2018 at 9:49 pm #189991Soul-searcherParticipantHey Anita
I am trying to get on to the road of correcting this bad habit of mine. Update on my mental situation, i am doing a lot better Anita.
I have started talking more and sitting with the family and going out more and speaking to friends etc.. its been a week being like this and that is an all time record for me lol.
Best regards and wishes x
February 1, 2018 at 8:21 am #190091AnonymousGuestDear Alexandra:
I suppose “talking more and sitting with the family” is “doing a lot better” if the behavior of the family members you spend time with is congruent with you healing and learning more effective behaviors, behaviors that serve you first (the first Win of the Win-Win goal of healthy interactions).
anita
February 1, 2018 at 8:22 am #190093AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
February 5, 2018 at 5:14 am #190757Soul-searcherParticipantYes of course, i took your advise on keeping a distance from friends or family that are toxic, and that i am doing. I am keeping a kind distance. I have met up with a friend of mine whom i lost touch with when i left to go back to live with my bf, and she has been an amazing help. She is full of positivity, hears me out and listens to me and handles me when i have those bad days of mine. Its been a week that i have been smiling and talking more. Unfortunately yesterday i fell into very deep depression, this time last year i was here on my own whilst he was cheating on me and ignoring me and was the worst month of my life. I think everything just kind of got on top of me and i felt such a surge of different emotions and i was very sad. I didnt get any support from him, as usual and i didn’t expect any help from him. I just feel so upset why has my depression crept up again, i was feeling so good 🙁
Blessings
February 5, 2018 at 7:15 am #190779AnonymousGuestDear Alexandra:
You were feeling so good for about a week and then “fell into very deep depression”-
was it a random thought of him cheating you at this time last year, seeing the date and remembering it or is it… maybe that when you do feel good, a part of your brain reminds you that it is not safe yet to feel good, that there is a problem somewhere?
anita
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