Hello again Anita,

I feel sometimes like i want to be the better person, the one that is right and that is always the good person , i want people to think i am a good person, hence why i do so much for everyone even when i am upset. I seek approval from everyone and this is where my past comes into light, what you opened my eyes to.

The solution you say is to Un-wrong me..are you saying to start thinking more positively about certain situations and not think that i am wrong all the time and i have the need to want to prove myself right and to stop saying sorry when i know i wasnt in the wrong..? Sorry my head is a little all over the place today.

Sorry Anita, yet again another conflict has arisen but this time not with him but with my sister. I hope you dont mind me telling you this, but id rather tell you because when you tell people you know they side with you and when its another family member its even worse.

I started watching a film with my mum last night called ‘Awakenings” a true story on a man who was in a neurological coma for 30 years and woke up, throughout the movie she kept saying oh this is so boring and why is it so slow, but ‘me and mum were really enjoying it, i dont like comedies and chick flicks as such, so i was watching something i enjoy. At one point i started crying as it was a very happy scene ( When he awoke from his coma and saw his mother for the first time in 30 years) and she replied very sarcastically saying oh my god are you really crying? You are unbeleivable! To which my reply was i dont know how anyone could not cry at a scene like this, and i called her a cold hearted cow and i laughed, i did not mean this in a serious way and she knows me and my sense of humour. We then pressed pause as mum wanted a cup of tea and my sister proceeded to say people that suffer from what you suffer shouldnt watch films like this, you are damaging yourself, people with a psychological imbalance shouldnt watch these films or read books that have distressing scenes to which i replied, these are the films that interest me most, true stories, documentaries etc, i educate myself very differently to what she does, not that she does any reading as she is too busy doing her hair and nails. I told her to please stop i dont want to hear anymore, yet she kept going on and on and then proceeded to say i have a short temper especially with her daughter whos my God daughter. She is very spoilt, is very rarely told off, the day cannot happen unless the little one tells them what to do and where to go , but i am no mother and i cannot judge someone elses parenting, it is NOT my place, but each time i try to have a conversation’or anyone tries to start a conversation she interrupts, she talks over, or shouts our names on and on till we answer, they let her and i dont. I dont shout at her, i tell her hunny please one second i am talking, or we are talking, maybe i do say it abruptly but it really aggravates me. She made it out like i was going to be a really bad mother. I dont see my mistake but i did tell her that i apologize if i hurt her by talking abruptly to her daughter, but she was so wrong in saying the things she did, she flew into a blind rage and started screaming at me that i am f***ked up and thats the reason why i have no friends etc.. today i feel awful. I know my sister and she will do everything in her power to make me look like the one thats in the wrong, including her husband ( Whom i have great respect and admiration for) and the rest of her friends. I thought i was slowly getting better, and now i feel like shes taken me 20 steps back ! why does this all happen to me, its like i ask for it !

Blessings

My dear dear friend Anita,

Thank you for always being here at my rescue, i honestly feel like i have made a beautiful friend and i bet we live thousands and thousands of miles away from one another.

My sister is very jealous, she is the one that had to look after me when my mm abandoned me. She always says to mum that i am the favorite daughter, and i also think it stems from the fact her dad ( My step dad treated me so well, probably even better than he did his own daughter for some bizzare reason) shes never failed to remind me that he is not my father. No matter what i say it is always wrong, and she is very opinionated, but i know all i can do is just back down otherwise i get very very angry and we will probably end up not talking again.

I remember this subject came up with my Councillor once, on why i feel like i am the wrong one all the time and having to seek attention all the time, is basically what you told me. I didnt receive the love i needed as a child, i wanted approval from my sisters as i had a different dad and felt different and not wanted, i wanted approval from my biological father, from my step father, from my friends who had normal families and fathers whom were at home with their mothers.. i feel the same today, i want approval. Even when she came over to the house today as she had to because her house is having some work done, she pretended like nothing happened, and i being overly nice..not in a fake way but just to make her know that i love her. I sometimes feel disgusted in myself that i am that way, she hurt me deliberately and she didnt even apologize, so why again do i want and need forgiveness for something i have NOT done??

Blessings

** Didn’t submit properly

Dear Anita

Yes you are right, i now see it from the perspective you are trying to make me see. It makes sense to be honest, the more i look up to her as she knows this is what i do, the more she continues to look down on me.

I have seen her a couple more times since the fight, i have been acting neutral towards her and have been acting more like me rather than trying too hard to make her know she is being listened to etc.. if this makes sense?

Blessings

x