Wanting to update this and seeking assistance. Life never ceases to be difficult is something i’m beginning to learn. I used to believe that one day i’ll wake up and the pain that I have been feeling for so long will have finally paid off somehow. People often compare emotional pain to physical training in that pain will make us stronger after it’s over and we have healed, while i have found this to be true, ive also found that, even when i have had a good week and can say that i feel happy, the pain is always lingering. Even when i have experienced some growth and made progress, the voice in my mind telling me i’m unlovable and have nothing to offer the world is still very, very loud. It makes me want to stay small and keep away from people, cowering back to my comfortable misery of being isolated and closed off. This inner conflict no matter what my life circumstances is really hurting me.

I feel unattractive, worthless, and unlovable. However, on an intellectual level i know all of that is bullshit, i know people find me attractive, i know i help change peoples lives, and i know all people are deserving of love so why i am so special that i cant be loved? This is the frustrating part for me knowing on a cognitive level my worth however emotionally i still feel like shit.

I recently broke up with a woman who i was with for about 3 months because she lied to me and was still talking to someone else after she said she wouldn’t. I had set a boundary with this woman about 1 month in after we started to get physical, and she agreed to be exclusive, but she did’t. however it hurts like we together for 3 years or something. I knew better than to invest into this woman because i could clearly see she was emotionally unavailable and just broke up with her bf of 2 yrs, and she told me she didnt want a relationship, but i still tried anyway, so i dont really blame her for lying to me too much, yes it was wrong but i saw it coming. I feel like i take loss harder than most people and i hate that someone else has the power to make me sad, but i also feel like if i don’t give people my authentic open and loving self then i’ll never get what i need either despite it being more risky than keeping my guard up all the time.

At this point i’m still in search of hope for the future i feel broken.