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This topic has 17 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by Karen Murphy.

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September 26, 2017 at 9:36 am #170389

PearceHawk
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My friend, look at your plate…there is SO much on it. I think it is reasonable to think that many people would feel this much stress in their life too. You said, “I’m not looking for sympathy.” I don’t see any of that in your post, bud. I think to deal with this is to take one issue at a time. Right now I am going through a lot of crap in my life and in the beginning I felt consumed by the notion that I have to take care of all that crap all at once. What was that BS I was thinking? So I decided to prioritize what I need to deal with. I don’t mind having a couple of so called issues come at me. It’s when it seems like a blitzkrieg of problems are coming at me all at once that I feel overwhelmed.

Check this out…You said, “I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that I have been racing my bike lately and i get some relief from that because i’m finally experiencing success, and seeing my hard work pay off.” Doing this is HUGE my friend. as you said, you are “finally experiencing success, and seeing my hard work pay off.” So taking care of you is first and foremost. You are doing that and it works. Take care of you first.

Can you elaborate on the circumstances that developed in to depression? If not we’re good.

The divorce and the family dynamics behind it are easy to understand for the motivation for divorce. The memories of the way your dad treated you and your family are very difficult to erase, especially if they are recent events. Please consider this my friend…I have posted about this many times to others who have posted here…My dad died when I was3 months young into this world. My mom remarried about 2 years later. Being so young when she married, and through the years, I thought he was my dad. Without details I can tell you that what this demon did to me and my sisters as well was horrendous. I went to see him the day before he died, still not knowing he was my step-dad. I decided to be the man and step up and told him this: “Well I have to go now dad. I love you.” He didn’t say anything. As I walked out of the hospital room I asked him, “We won’t even see each other again and you can’t even say I love you too?” His answer was, ” I never did.” My response was, “I thought you were going to tell me something I didn’t know.” Leaving his hospital room there was a mirror hanging on the wall by the door. In this mirror I saw him flipping me off. I left it at that. One thing I want to share with you too my friend is he taught me something very valuable that I will be forever indebted to him.That lesson was how not to be. Like him. It was a lesson learned over the years and not some bs sit down talk with him.

Family abuse runs rampant in our society. My feeling is that it is more prevalent in African-American families. I have no idea why except for me to consider that it is probably due to a combination of socio-economic conditions. But, abuse is abuse and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

As for the therapy goes, what do you think about the option of going live online with your therapist? I would think that your therapist would be open to this. It may or may not be the same as seeing your therapist in person, but it still is a connection. Another thing that may be helpful is to talk with your mom, and perhaps even your sister, and ask them to go to therapy with you. This would unify each of you to an even deeper level.

As for dating…that can wait. School can be put on hold. I do not know if that is a option that you would consider, but school will always be there for you my friend.

Stay strong my friend. Tiny Buddha, and myself as well, will always be here for you too.

Pearce

September 26, 2017 at 10:46 am #170423

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rich:

You wrote that you are not looking for sympathy, someone to feel sorry for you- but you do deserve empathy because you are trying so hard and life is so difficult for you, and has been difficult for a long, long time. You mentioned the word “victim”, expressing not wanting to think of yourself as such, but like many of us, you are a victim of other people’s wrong doings, your father for one, and you are a victim of your mother not being available to comfort you because she is “in a constant crisis”. And you are a victim of the person who stole your bike.

My suggestion is that you practice self-empathy, that you remove from your life anything exhausting that can be removed. You need a relief, a removal of responsibilities taken on. Perhaps one is attending to your in-a-constant-crisis mother..

anita

September 26, 2017 at 7:24 pm #170477

noname
Participant

Thank you both for your responses.

I can agree that I probably do have too much going on, unfortunately quitting school is not really an option in my mind. While it is a major source of stress I lack only 1 1/2 years before I’m done. If I was to quit now and go back to the work I was doing with my bachelors, I would soon want to be back in school asap, because the type of social work jobs you get with a bachelors are ridiculous in regards to pay and stress level. Right now school is my #1 priority because it would grant me the financial stability I’ve never had. I have been looking for other student jobs at the university however, hopefully something works out for me.

I’ve been contemplating talking with my dad, I have alot of anger and disgust towards him right now, though I still love him, I don’t know that I want to be around an abusive person who refuses to look inside themselves and make a change, or get help that’s not court ordered.

I think whats hurts the most in regards to my parents, is that I never felt cared for. The lack of love which has been missing from my life (source of depression), is what motivates to me to want to date even though i have nothing to offer to anyone right now except my misery. At the same time i would hate to attract another unhealthy relationship which is why I am ambivalent about dating at all. But i need something soon. Like I said before suicide is off the table though i still have thoughts from time to time. I know i have a purpose which is what keeps me here but i don’t want to feel like a martyr, I desperately want to find some enjoyment in life.

Im becoming afraid of myself again, I seriously considered cutting a couple days ago which i haven’t done in 2 years, i find myself screaming in frustration, and crying every morning trying to find the physical and emotional strength to step out of my door. I don’t know how but i just do it, with a fake ass smile on my face.

I have tried to stop caring for my mom so much but she wears my sister out in the same way, and its taking its toll on her too, which I can’t stand to watch so I keep taking care of my mom to hopefully lighten the load on my sister. I don’t see that there are too many other areas where I can control my current stress level other than modifying my relationship with my mom, even then if i stopped caring so much i would just feel guilty, and maybe feel worse. It is so difficult for me to see my problems as important, my therapist labored over this with me, and i hate myself for not loving myself, bit of a paradox there, but i swear i try i just don’t always know how to go about it.

Im sorry if im being pessimistic, it just feels like barely anything about life is in my control or ever really has been. I think back to a quote from Viktor Frankl often, that goes something like when life is completely out of our control all we have left is to choose our attitude towards a situation. I promise I’m trying hard to stay positive, there was a time when I didn’t care at all and would just let my negativity take over. I’m just very tired right now, and i think i’m reaching a point where i feel as if this dynamic with myself is going to go on forever because i’m trying but not necessarily feeling any happier about things.

September 27, 2017 at 12:25 pm #170651

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rich:

When you live without love in your life, or with too little of it, you are running on empty. If only there was love in your life, that would give you the hope, the energy to keep going. With your mother, your motivation is guilt. It is clear to me that your guilt in regard to her is not justified, but you feel it nonetheless and I understand it. Your motivation with your sister is empathy for your sister.

But where and when is the motivation empathy for yourself?

I suppose not wanting to feel guilty about your mother is a desire to not feel pain. Unfortunately preventing that particular pain is not good enough. Wanting to talk to your father, what motivates you to do that, I don’t know.

My suggestion is still to attempt to, intend to and do your best to focus on empathy for yourself, for the lovable child that you were, unfortunately unloved and the lovable man that you are, still not loved.

Still not loved, not because you are not worthy of love but because people have not been available, nor were they motivated to attend to you. Please do attend to yourself. Be good to you.

anita

September 27, 2017 at 12:27 pm #170653

Anonymous
Guest

* did not get submitted correctly…

October 4, 2017 at 7:53 pm #171623

noname
Participant

Anita

Thank you very much for your reply, you have a profound ability to help target peoples needs, and what you wrote here helped me get through my week, i cannot say enough how grateful i am to have someone who takes the time to be concerned with me.

This week I worked on trying to convince myself that I was lovable, that I am worthy. I hate coming on here with seemingly the same issue time after time, but I just cannot feel whole, or satisfied with myself. I see myself as someone who is scarred and damaged beyond repair. I just can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong with me. I know there has to be something wrong with me that keeps me unloved. I also know that if i can’t learn to love myself there’s zero hope of anyone else loving me, which kind of makes me wonder what’s the point of living in constant pain and despair.

I look at my coworkers, classmates, friends and family, and I seem to be the person who consistently ends up lonely. I must say when i’m honest with myself i do have hope that one day i could love myself and be loved. That hope is the only thing keeping me moving right now. But i feel as if i’m merely telling myself tomorrow could be the day so to lessen the sting of my present pain. I dont know how long i can keep this up.

October 5, 2017 at 11:11 am #171737

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rich:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation.

It is okay with me, perfectly fine that you post with the same issue, which is love, I believe (could be the title of your untitled thread), anytime, any number of times per day. You post rarely and I wish you posted more often.

You wrote: “This week I worked on trying to convince myself that I was lovable, that I am worthy”-

It is unfortunately impossible to convince oneself of one’s lovability/ worth. This is why lots of people try, achieving all sorts of things: educational degrees, prestigious jobs, careers, wealth, awards and yet fail to … convince themselves of being lovable and worthy.

The reason it is impossible to rationally convince yourself of such is because feeling lovable and worthy is a matter of faith, of belief. It is not a matter of intellectual understanding. And to believe it, you have to experience it first.

A belief is a thought, like: “I am lovable”, “I am worthy” glued to neuropathways in the brain with the glue of emotion. The emotion is what keeps the thought in place.

When a child is unloved, the child naturally concludes he is unlovable, not worthy of love. The child is not capable of reasoning that the parent is too busy, too unavailable, too distressed, too unloving to love the child. The child has to feel the safety that he is in good hands, so to speak, in the presence of loving parents, and if only he becomes lovable… then he will be loved.

You wrote: “I just can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong with me”. I can. You weren’t loved yet.

You wrote: “know that if i can’t learn to love myself there’s zero hope of anyone else loving me”- no, first you have to be loved. You have to see and hear and feel someone else, a person outside of yourself, loving you. Then you will believe it, that you are lovable.

It is about someone else loving you as you are, feeling unlovable. It is about someone seeing you the way you are and loving you, accepting you approvingly.

Thing is, how can you get this experience? Look for it where it is, not where it isn’t. Look for it in your parents and they are likely to fail you. After all they failed you so far, when you were a cute and innocently reaching out child. Look for love in unloving people, and you will not find it. Look for behaviors that you think are love but are not, and you look in the wrong places.

Look for a person who accepts you approvingly, who is curious about you, want to know more, takes in what you share, sees you as you are and approvingly accepts you, with affection.

anita

October 11, 2017 at 11:02 pm #172795

noname
Participant

Thanks again Anita, I read your replies as soon as you write them, and come back to them when I need strength. It’s nearly 2 am right now, and I can’t sleep, I’ve been crying in so much pain for the past couple hours. I don’t know what to do to keep going. I was extremely close to texting my ex of 3 years, and my ex of 1 year because I’m in desperate need of love. I know she(3year ex) won’t respond though, as our breakup was messy, and I tried to kill myself. I’m so tired, I can’t sleep though, I don’t know where else to find the love I desperately need right now. I have been distant at work, in class, and in general. I don’t know how long I can continue living without feeling love. While I’ve felt greater pain, I don’t know that I have the strength to endure for much longer. I really want this pain to stop. I need a hug badly, I haven’t been held in over a year. I’m trying not to do anything to put my pain on others by alerting them to how bad shit really is right now. I don’t know there’s anything anyone can do, but just knowing there is another human out there who can hear my cry helps a lot, so thank you for reading this.

October 12, 2017 at 4:42 am #172807

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rich:

You wrote: “I don’t know that I have the strength to endure for much longer”- but you do. It is amazing, almost unbelievable, to me, how long people can endure and survive, in spite of pain and distress. It is not our individual doing that makes it possible to keep going, it is nature. The inborn motivation to survive is extremely strong. Plants, animals, micro-organisms all survive all kinds of extreme environments and conditions and keep going, doing everything possible to survive and do survive.

You wrote: “I really want this pain to stop”- understandably. And one way or another, this pain will stop, guaranteed. Until it stops, accept it calmly best you can. Before this pain stops it will weaken, this is also a guarantee, as such pain doesn’t stay unchanged. Emotions have a time limit and the brain takes its breaks.

You have survived and you are very capable of continuing to survive. The pain will weaken, maybe already has by the time you are reading this. And, this pain will not last forever (a benefit of there not being a forever). It is very possible for you to be in a loving relationship in the future. Have patience. Do not rush or panic. Keep calm. Make the best of your circumstances as they are.

When you do panic, go to a place in your brain where there is calm, where you can observe yourself from a calm place. From that point of observation, learn all you can, about you, life, people. Be a student of life, motivated by curiosity, by a desire to know more. That desire may motivate you to keep going as is.

anita

October 23, 2017 at 3:05 pm #174483

Finzy
Participant

Dear Rich,

Your story has really touched me and I want to reach out to you.

Briefly, I too was unloved, unwanted as a child and treated badly. I too internalised the message that I was unlovable. I also trained to become a counsellor. I was looking for some understanding and I was drawn to those who suffered. And, would you believe I cycled – so hard! I cycled up onto a nearby moorland and the act of cycling gave me a feeling of who I could be and the moorland I believe saved my life by being bleak and windy as heck and beautiful and there, for me.

My reason for wanting to speak with you is to ask what keeps you going? Clearly this conversation here above is important in keeping you going. And I wonder what else. Maybe the opportunity your training is offering to reflect in a way your father doesn’t? Your cycling….. It is a question that has helped and continues to help me. Because it reminds me about nature, about activity – using my body helps – about books which are so important to me.

I think what I want to say to you is you are not alone. I join with the voices of those who hear you, see you. Thank you for speaking

Merly

October 23, 2017 at 6:57 pm #174501

noname
Participant

Anita

Thanks again for your reply I when you said that the pain will eventually stop, that really resonated with me as it is something I try to be mindful of while i’m feeling both pleasant or unpleasant emotions, just to let me know how temporary everything is in this life. That was very helpful and I’ve been trying to apply that same thinking to my circumstances in life right now. What i’m hoping for is that once grad school is over I can get some relief in the form of financial security, being social again, and just pursing my interests.

On the other hand i question whether i will actually ever get any reasonably long term relief from depression. In alot of ways i feel broken, I have a strong desire to be with people, but when i’m in social situations i will withdraw pretty hard or just straight up leave to go be by myself, (i’ve done this a few times in class this semester). An old friend sent me a picture of myself and a couple other friends at birthday party when i was 17, i looked completely miserable, anyone i’ve shown this picture to could tell something was obviously wrong. Shortly after that photo was taken i made a suicide attempt, started self harming and getting into drugs. I kind of need to know it’s possible to be content for more than a few days at a time for someone who has struggled. I need to know this to give myself hope and if im going to be doing therapy to help others have hope. Of course i could go on surviving but i really want to believe that life can actually be enjoyable.

Finzy

Thanks for sharing with me and your support. Honestly what keeps me going is knowing how much pain it would cause my mom and sister specifically if i was to kill myself. Also, I want to be there for my younger cousins who my mom had been taking care of for the past few years in case they ever need me. Having been brought to my knees by life recently has forced me to ask for help and my family has been doing alot to support me, and my mom while were trying to stay on our feet. I know one day those kids will need someone like i did, and if anyone else in my family ever needs someone i want to be there.

Outside of living for others, nothing is really exciting me right now. I’m cutting my bike racing season short this year because i need to take care of schoolwork and get to fixing my transportation. Racing has become much less enjoyable for me now than in the past couple of years. Though riding my bike is one of the best moves i ever made for my mental health. lately i haven’t had transportation to get out to the woods to mountain bike, or had the time to get out and ride with friends, so i’ve just been riding for work and that’s it. Cycling gives me freedom and definitely has helped my confidence in learning that anything i practice at i can improve in, i’ve tried to apply this to my mental and social issues but it doesn’t necessarily translate as well. While most people are like “thats cool you ride a bike im sure it keeps you healthy” i’ve definitely had times where i’ve been too focused on training and was using it as an escape or drug. I would do things like skip a group ride, or opportunities to socialize, only to spend hours alone on the road running from myself.

October 24, 2017 at 7:39 am #174559

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rich:

You wrote: ” i could go on surviving but i really want to believe that life can actually be enjoyable”- my experience with surviving-and-suffering vs. enjoying, experiencing joy:

following so much suffering, any excitement became uncomfortable for me, including joy. All I wanted was to feel numb. Later, while healing, calm was good enough for me.

More presently, I am experiencing moments of joy and it feels so .. strange, a new experience. I had bouts of joy before, throughout life, as I believe the brain takes breaks from misery, it has to. But it is different now. Still it takes getting used to it. As the anxiety lessens, as the misery is reduced, joy is made possible… in small portions, gradually, bit by bit. And of course, I don’t expect it to ever be an all-the-time experience.

anita

October 24, 2017 at 1:29 pm #174669

noname
Participant

Anita

I completely agree with you about calm being good enough. I certainly know there are things i could be doing to bring about calm in my life that i am not doing right now (meditation, being in nature, etc.) That is very good point that when the anxiety is reduced there comes room for joy. Thinking back to when i have felt joy in the past couple years it usually came about when life was slow, not too many obligations, and i was able to really focus on caring for myself, and even had the energy and time to care for others which also brings me much joy when i’m in a healthy state of mind. This gives me hope and some clarity as to what i need to be doing for myself right now.

Thank you

October 25, 2017 at 8:35 am #174795

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rich:

You are very welcome. As I was reading your lines from “Thinking back to when I felt joy..” the word Hope came to my mind, and then I read it, you using that word: “This gives me hope”- prior experience does give us hope, when we make sense of it, that indeed “when life was slow… I was able to really focus on caring for myself…(and) care for others which also brings me much joy”-

and so, it is possible. It happened and it is likely to happen again. When life gets to be slower. It is tough now and has been for a while. But it will get slower and then, you will be in a healthier state of mind, and you will experience more calm and at times, joy. Something to look forward to.

anita

February 11, 2018 at 9:08 am #191873

noname
Participant

Wanting to update this and seeking assistance. Life never ceases to be difficult is something i’m beginning to learn. I used to believe that one day i’ll wake up and the pain that I have been feeling for so long will have finally paid off somehow. People often compare emotional pain to physical training in that pain will make us stronger after it’s over and we have healed, while i have found this to be true, ive also found that, even when i have had a good week and can say that i feel happy, the pain is always lingering. Even when i have experienced some growth and made progress, the voice in my mind telling me i’m unlovable and have nothing to offer the world is still very, very loud. It makes me want to stay small and keep away from people, cowering back to my comfortable misery of being isolated and closed off. This inner conflict no matter what my life circumstances is really hurting me.

I feel unattractive, worthless, and unlovable. However, on an intellectual level i know all of that is bullshit, i know people find me attractive, i know i help change peoples lives, and i know all people are deserving of love so why i am so special that i cant be loved? This is the frustrating part for me knowing on a cognitive level my worth however emotionally i still feel like shit.

I recently broke up with a woman who i was with for about 3 months because she lied to me and was still talking to someone else after she said she wouldn’t. I had set a boundary with this woman about 1 month in after we started to get physical, and she agreed to be exclusive, but she did’t. however it hurts like we together for 3 years or something. I knew better than to invest into this woman because i could clearly see she was emotionally unavailable and just broke up with her bf of 2 yrs, and she told me she didnt want a relationship, but i still tried anyway, so i dont really blame her for lying to me too much, yes it was wrong but i saw it coming. I feel like i take loss harder than most people and i hate that someone else has the power to make me sad, but i also feel like if i don’t give people my authentic open and loving self then i’ll never get what i need either despite it being more risky than keeping my guard up all the time.

At this point i’m still in search of hope for the future i feel broken.
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