My friend, look at your plate…there is SO much on it. I think it is reasonable to think that many people would feel this much stress in their life too. You said, “I’m not looking for sympathy.”  I don’t see any of that in your post, bud. I think to deal with this is to take one issue at a time. Right now I am going through a lot of crap in my life and in the beginning I felt consumed by the notion that I have to take care of all that crap all at once. What was that BS I was thinking? So I decided to prioritize what I need to deal with. I don’t mind having a couple of so called issues come at me. It’s when it seems like a blitzkrieg of problems are coming at me all at once that I feel overwhelmed.

Check this out…You said, “I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that I have been racing my bike lately and i get some relief from that because i’m finally experiencing success, and seeing my hard work pay off.”  Doing this is HUGE my friend. as you said, you are “finally experiencing success, and seeing my hard work pay off.” So taking care of you is first and foremost. You are doing that and it works. Take care of you first.

Can you elaborate on the circumstances that developed in to depression? If not we’re good.

The divorce and the family dynamics behind it are easy to understand for the motivation for divorce. The memories of the way your dad treated you and your family are very difficult to erase, especially if they are recent events. Please consider this my friend…I have posted about this many times to others who have posted here…My dad died when I was3 months young into this world. My mom remarried about 2 years later. Being so young when she married, and through the years, I thought he was my dad. Without details I can tell you that what this demon did to me and my sisters as well was horrendous. I went to see him the day before he died, still not knowing he was my step-dad. I decided to be the man and step up and told him this: “Well I have to go now dad. I love you.” He didn’t say anything. As I walked out of the hospital room I asked him, “We won’t even see each other again and you can’t even say I love you too?” His answer was, ” I never did.” My response was, “I thought you were going to tell me something I didn’t know.” Leaving his hospital room there was a mirror hanging on the wall by the door. In this mirror I saw him flipping me off. I left it at that. One thing I want to share with you too my friend is he taught me something very valuable that I will be forever indebted to him.That lesson was how not to be. Like him. It was a lesson learned over the years and not some bs sit down talk with him.

Family abuse runs rampant in our society. My feeling is that it is more prevalent in African-American families. I have no idea why except for me to consider that it is probably due to a combination of socio-economic conditions. But, abuse is abuse and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

As for the therapy goes, what do you think about the option of going live online with your therapist? I would think that your therapist would be open to this. It may or may not be the same as seeing your therapist in person, but it still is a connection. Another thing that may be helpful is to talk with your mom, and perhaps even your sister, and ask them to go to therapy with you. This would unify each of you to an even deeper level.

As for dating…that can wait. School can be put on hold. I do not know if that is a option that you would consider, but school will always be there for you my friend.

Stay strong my friend. Tiny Buddha, and myself as well, will always be here for you too.

Pearce

* did not get submitted correctly…

Dear Rich:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation.

It is okay with me, perfectly fine that you post with the same issue, which is love, I believe (could be the title of your untitled thread), anytime, any number of times per day. You post rarely and I wish you posted more often.

You wrote: “This week I worked on trying to convince myself that I was lovable, that I am worthy”-

It is unfortunately impossible to convince oneself of one’s lovability/ worth. This is why lots of people try, achieving all sorts of things: educational degrees, prestigious jobs, careers, wealth, awards and yet fail to … convince themselves of being lovable and worthy.

The reason it is impossible to rationally convince yourself of such is because feeling lovable and worthy is a matter of faith, of belief. It is not a matter of intellectual understanding. And to believe it, you have to experience it first.

A belief is a thought, like: “I am lovable”, “I am worthy” glued to neuropathways in the brain with the glue of emotion. The emotion is what keeps the thought in place.

When a child is unloved, the child naturally concludes he is unlovable, not worthy of love. The child is not capable of reasoning that the parent is too busy, too unavailable, too distressed, too unloving to love the child. The child has to feel the safety that he is in good hands, so to speak, in the presence of loving parents, and if only he becomes lovable… then he will be loved.

You wrote: “I just can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong with me”. I can. You weren’t loved yet.

You wrote: “know that if i can’t learn to love myself there’s zero hope of anyone else loving me”- no, first you have to be loved. You have to see and hear and feel someone else, a person outside of yourself, loving you. Then you will believe it, that you are lovable.

It is about someone else loving you as you are, feeling unlovable. It is about someone seeing you the way you are and loving you, accepting you approvingly.

Thing is, how can you get this experience? Look for it where it is, not where it isn’t. Look for it in your parents and they are likely to fail you. After all they failed you so far, when you were a cute and innocently reaching out child. Look for love in unloving people, and you will not find it. Look for behaviors that you think are love but are not, and you look in the wrong places.

Look for a person who accepts you approvingly, who is curious about you, want to know more, takes in what you share, sees you as you are and approvingly accepts you, with affection.

anita

Dear Rich:

You wrote: “I don’t know that I have the strength to endure for much longer”- but you do. It is amazing, almost unbelievable, to me, how long people can endure and survive, in spite of pain and distress. It is not our individual doing that makes it possible to keep going, it is nature. The inborn motivation to survive is extremely strong. Plants, animals, micro-organisms all survive all kinds of extreme environments and conditions and keep going, doing everything possible to survive and do survive.

You wrote: “I really want this pain to stop”- understandably. And one way or another, this pain will stop, guaranteed. Until it stops, accept it calmly best you can. Before this pain stops it will weaken, this is also a guarantee, as such pain doesn’t stay unchanged. Emotions have a time limit and the brain takes its breaks.

You have survived and you are very capable of continuing to survive. The pain will weaken, maybe already has by the time you are reading this. And, this pain will not last forever (a benefit of there not being a forever). It is very possible for you to be in a loving relationship in the future. Have patience. Do not rush or panic. Keep calm. Make the best of your circumstances as they are.

When you do panic, go to a place in your brain where there is calm, where you can observe yourself from a calm place. From that point of observation, learn all you can, about you, life, people. Be a student of life, motivated by curiosity, by a desire to know more. That desire may motivate you to keep going as is.

anita