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Untangling the tangles – people and connections

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  • January 18, 2014 at 8:35 am #49316
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear TinyBuddhas,

    For almost as long as I can remember I have had a “tangle” of connecting with people. Hard as I am trying to think/feel it out, something is not clicking yet and I am still unsettled about it.

    I am going back to my past to understand this persistent tangle in hopes to shed some light. Perhaps someone on the outside will be able to help me see what my heart is yet blind to.

    When I was a baby, my mom and dad divorced and I lived with mom and grandmom. Grandmom was warm, lots of hugs, art teacher (I remember drawing alongside her), and also someone who worried a lot (she never showed her worries so much when I was around but I became aware of them as I grew older). Mom was a worrier and showed her worries clearly and loudly. I had a few friends that I remember from this time and even as a small child I was selective with whom I spent a lot of time. These friends I chose were not concerned with status or clothes, but valued sharing their heart, just as I do. I remember mom often telling me “you have to make more friends, go out and meet people, dress like others do so you will fit in.” The thing is, I never wanted to “fit in,” I simply enjoyed observing quietly and connecting with a select few, from time to time.

    When I was 11, we moved to another country, vastly different in culture from the one I grew up in. It was very difficult for me, having to learn the language and adapt to the new culture. At that time, I do not remember many meaningful connections, but I do remember a bully who gave me much grief because I was “different.” After opening up to my parents (mom remarried when I was 7), they were able to guide me in standing up to this bully. We moved again, this time to another part of the city, and it became much better (for the whole family). At first, I was very lonely, withdrawn into my own world and stressed because I attended 2 schools (my parents thought it would be a good idea for me to do that because we were going to return to our country and I needed that scholastic basis from there in order to be secessful when we returned). In time, I made a close friend, similar to me, and it was good; I came out from the world of my mind, laughed, shared with her, and everything became brighter.

    Then, after 4 years of being away we moved again, back to our birth country. Fortunatelly, it was when I was 14 1/2 and starting a completely new school where everyone was new. Almost imediatelly, a very curious girl, who also was away for 4 years in another country with her family, befriended me. We became like sisters. It was as if a missing piece was found, for both of us. For a year and a half we were inseparable, twin souls, each other’s joy, cry pillow, soul-mirror. We thought it would never end (this was before I understood the inevitability of impermanence) and fully engaged in our friendship, heart and soul. Then the bomb fell “we are moving again.” My entire world was crushed, how could I leave without my “sister,” how could I leave my sister? We both cried, and then relished in the last few months we had remaining together before the move. When I left, we wrote letters and occasionally talked on the phone (the distance was across the ocean and this was 23 years ago). Then the war in our birth country started and there was no contact for many years, which was killing me inside because I had no way of knowing if my sister was still alive (even as I write this, tears are falling from my eyes, it was so so deeply painful).

    Regroup. I was 16, just moved to another country (US), vastly different from the previous two I lived in. I started school in the middle of the semester when everyone had their friendships established. I missed my sister. I had to learn another language and adjust. Academically, I was strong and was able to form connections with my teachers and older people. Emotionally, I could not connect to any of the high school teenagers around me. One time, a couple of girls started talking to me, I felt hope, but it turned out to be mere curiosity and nothing developed. Again, my mom, seeing my suffering, started suggesting I try to “fit in” by wearing same clothes, talking the same, but to me this was impossible. I simply could not bring myself to be something that I was not. After some time, I met a girl who I felt could be a friend, we connected but the whole time I felt there was something off. Indeed, the whispers of my heart were true, she ended up cheating with my boyfriend. The “friendship” ended. After a little more time, I met another girl and we became close. We actually became very close, doing many things together, and spending much time together. She was working through emotional things and I became her confidant and guide. I let myself fully enjoy the friendship until I learned that she was saying some things about me behind my back. It was not something that particularly upset me, but I pulled away emotionally while still remaining a companion. Around that time, I met another girl (through a boyfriend) who I wanted to form a friendship with but at that time, possibly because of our age difference (4 years at that time was a lot) we did not pursue this (she later told me she felt the same way).

    After finishing high school (a year early because of my academic strength), I imediatelly started college. Throughout the entire 4 years I cannot recall any meaningful friendships with women. I had boyfriends, but no friendships. Here and there, I connected with women superficially, but never formed anything of depth.

    I married after finishing college, started working, started grad school, life kicked in full force. My husband was my best friend and though I still wondered what it was with me and women, why I am having trouble with connections, I no longer suffered. I was content with his friendship. Several years went by, things changed, my best friend and I parted ways. I met another, married and had a beautiful daughter. This other man is an entirely different story but suffice it to say this time period in his presence was a nightmare and I intentionally pulled away from all connections. After the divorce, it was even more so (for 2 years I was lost to the world, only giving energy to my daughter). My friends were only my coworkers (during work) and my therapist.

    Six years ago, I met my current “husband” (techically fiance since I am not concerned any more about social labels or legal aspects of marriage – past has taught me that divorce is painful and expensive). My healing deepened, my inner joy returned, not because of him, but because I was nurturing myself in other ways. For a long time, I was no longer concerned about other connections. Until about a year and a half ago when my biological father died (he lived in another country and our contact was not frequent). This brought on a deep sadness and realization that I was pulling away form EVERYONE, even those who love me. I became almost completely shut off from connections (except for my immediate family and coworkers). I “panicked” because I realized I was stuck between hiding away from pain and something potentially very beautiful. I reconnected with some old friends (the girl I met when I was young but the timing was not right). I reached out to family I had no contact with for a while. Some of it was good, some not received, which I accepted for what it was.

    So for a year and a half now, I have had more connections with different people here and there. You may wonder, where is the tangle, what is wrong with that? The tangle is this: when I connect with people here and there, I enjoy it, but I also suffer. I almost never make the first move, instead letting others come to me. In my heart/mind, there is a tangle that friendships are suffering. On the one hand, I want to be alone, happy with myself, which I usually am. On the other hand there is this tangle that is driving me mad. Additionally, (here it comes), there is pressure that I need to be a certain way, not just for myself, but for my daughter, so that I can give her opportunities to engage in her friendships (namely “make friends” with parents so that she can have playdates). Crazy, I know.

    If you have come to the end of this very long monologue I appreciate your time. If you have any light to shed to help me with my tangle, I appreciate it even more 🙂

    With light and warmth,
    Helen

    January 18, 2014 at 5:52 pm #49326
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    It almost seems unjust, dear sister, that one of us with a heart as brilliant as your own would carry such a heavy tangle. I’ll do my best, you do yours, and maybe with a little luck we can help it unweave. Don’t despair dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that as you grew up, perhaps you learned the impermanence of connections in a way burdened (veiled) by a dad that moves around a lot. Said differently, perhaps because you had little control of friendships, you learned a powerlessness. At any time, you could be up and transferred into a foreign place, ignored, alone. Not knowing the language, not knowing the culture. And, during middle school especially, when bodies change a lot, things get awkward, voices break, hips widen…. what a minefield to get dumped into! Its no wonder it doesn’t feel safe!

    So consider that perhaps your response to this was the “mirror dance”, whereby you attempted to adapt who you are to fit the new culture, to “fit in”. But, change takes a lot of time…and so perhaps you wore a mask in the meantime. So, even when you did connect a little, you were so far invested in the personality you created (mask) that it was difficult to be open, relaxed, free, authentic. Plus, how could you know if they loved the real you? Perhaps you felt scared, thirsty, needy, lonely… could they really love you?

    Follow that with a few betrayals and its no wonder your view of impermanence slid toward nihilism or meaninglessness. Said differently, sometimes when we lose a loved one, we falsely try to sidestep our grief by “accepting the shitty nature of” impermanence in the world. Instead of feeling the loss, grieving, healing and moving on, it stacks up on itself, like running on a boken bone. So, the lesson we learn is “why bother”, because connecting is painful.

    This attitude dims our inner light, often creating a thirst or agitation for warmth, light, truth, connection. Said differently, imagine a tree that has been uprooted many times. There is a rich and needed nourishment from the soil, but she has put so much effort into growing those roots, and they can get torn from her without rhyme or reason (dad moves). So, when she does find a spot that seems fertile, a whole lot of effort goes into growing that root. So, each and every root matters a ton (think of a 40 ft tree with three roots, how strong they each must be). Also, each root gets put under a tremendous pressure.

    And, sadly, people are imperfect, so when we dig our roots into them, we often get a mix of light and shadow. They may be a great listener, but smell like cheese. They may like all the same movies as you, but habitually flirt with all men, including your husband. We are all a mix of yin and yang, skillful and unskillful, wise fools and so forth. Consider that perhaps because you had sooooo much of your feeling of safety, home, relaxed, authenticity invested in the connection, it became more dramatic. The harmony was soooo good, and the dissonance was sooooo bad. So, with each friendship comes this package of suffering. In one moment, perhaps they are brilliant, nourishing, succulent. In the next, perhaps agitating, uncomfortable, failures.

    So, what to do? This I think distills to two main needs you’re lacking. The first is all about safety, grounding, putting down roots… passing through the veil of personality so you can be authentic with people. Said differently, you’re a mix of a resonant beauty and a tangled mess, and that’s OK. You’re a mix of being authentic and trying too hard, and that’s OK. You’re a mix of a shining bright during the day and retreating to the cave at night, and that’s OK. All lovable, all normal. When we can accept the paradox, the balance, the harmonic, then we can grow those roots directly and within, as we become honest. Honest with ourselves, in being frank with what we’re doing, seeing and so forth. Being honest with our partner, such as not hiding our joy, our imperfections, emotional turmoil, yearning for romance or depth. Being honest with others, such as treating them fairly, shining the light we have the best we can, but using our distinct heartsong.

    The second is perhaps a need to play more. Sometimes when we can see deeply, we get so busy puzzling things out we forget that there is an inner child inside us. Our life doesn’t have to be a heavy mess of untangling our issues. When we were kids, we could sit with a stick and some dirt and be on an adventure. So instead of “how do I overcome the inability I have to rest compassionately with other people’s energy”, consider “hmmm, I think this sandbox might be more fun if other kids were here, I wonder where to find them”.

    Perhaps if my daughter were to ask that to me, I might say to her “hey, over there… just go talk to them, be open, and see if they want to play”. For you, its a little more sophisticated, but its the same. Consider that making the first move is a lot easier when you move toward them, instead of toward you. For instance, if you hear someone that sounds interesting talking about something you’re curious about, bring out the kid in you and see if they want to play on that playground. Said differently, if they like something you like, or even something you’re curious about, ask them if theyd like to do it. This is like stepping toward some one, and is akin to listening. The trick is, if you spend a month building up the “perfect” moment to ask someone, or try once in a blue moon, then a “no thanks” might agitate a lot. Do it 100 times a month, and 75 won’t seem like any rejection, because you’ll have 25 platonic dates. Or whatever.

    Finally, it isn’t your light that makes you lovable. Said differently, its not a big smile that generates intimacy, its not hugs. Its smiling when you’re happy, crying when you’re sad, letting our where you really are, expressing… and then letting it go so you can have the space to listen as they express. This is how heart to heart connections happen in realtime, not in smarmy sentiments, inauthentic perfume, or trying to be warm when we feel cold.

    Namaste, sister, may your heartsong come with ease and grace.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 19, 2014 at 4:55 am #49330
    Helen
    Participant

    Matt,

    This is good, this is really good, thank you again 🙂

    Here is what came to awareness after reading your words…

    Powerlesness – yes! There was a sense of powerlesness all along but no awareness of it. Now that it’s on the surface, I can recognize it for what it is and make small changes in my actions until it dissipates. Because being with clear head is having power over one’s facilities 🙂

    Imperfect beings – this is so too. Perhaps because of my other tangle there was an inbeded sense to seek perfection, thus it extended to beings around me as well. Just recognizing that this is an imposibility, because everything is everchanging, with a little practice this view can be completely dropped.

    Duality/Accept the paradox and use distinct heartsong – how incidental it is that both my big tangles have this in common 🙂 This one takes a little more work because it is preceived as “internal.” I have been recognizing/contemplating the non-self ever since you brought it up in my other tangle. In small ways, when “I” am sitting on the couch or working with a challenging customer, intentionally broadening the “view” to see “us” as a collection of same particles interacting in this moment helps dissipate “feelings” that arrise. It gives such a clear sense of what is what and how unimportant the carrying of stones becomes. A peace is starting to flow in, little by little, and “I” remain a constant compassion.

    Dramatic – oh boy! This is so. It arrises from perceptions about occurences and making them too significant. Sure, they have a meaning/lesson but there is no reason to hold on to them so tightly. Awareness now is to drop attachment to memories and allow rebirth, growth, give room for new experiences.

    Expressing – I am questioning to what degree this was an issue. Opening up, once initiated, just naturally flows for me (like here). It may be in the initial step, recognizing how and when to start. It also may have to do with perceptions of “roles”. For 11 years, in my work, my role is of a “supervisor” and in the very beginning there was an expectation not to share too much. But what I discovered is that sharing actually has a better effect, because we are all so similar in the core. As well, I do not hold shame for any previous experiences/feelings so sharing is not a percieved burden. Aditionally, I have been seeing me in the “role” of counselor – many people are naturally drawn to me in life for comfort and counsel. I refrained from seeing me in the role of someone who also needs counsel from time to time. Thus another duality, both a little girl with a broken heart and the wise coach. It’s OK, all normal, all lovable, as you said 🙂

    Playfulness – this, I actually set as an intention recently, to play more. Up til now, I was still perceiving me as an adult playing. With the image you gave, it brought on a welcome shift in perception to child mode. Yes, I do remember as a kid, the heart innocence, the simple spontenaity of connection. And as I play with my daughter with legos on the floor or dancing and singing in the living room, the child within fully awakens. If I can do this with her, I can do this with other adults, awaken the inner child. Also, I do give that exact suggestion to my own daughter – perhaps I am giving it to myself at the same time 🙂

    Another thing that helps with this tangle is to emulate. As long as I can remember, being an observer, I have been recognizing in others behaviors/states that are “favorable.” As I see those, I learn an adapt/incorporate those behaviors in myself. Step further in emulating, for this tangle, is to be aware of what feels good for me that others do, and give that to others. For instance, I see how my husband naturally interacts with others, just like you said he hears something interesting they say and gently adds on, he also compliments when he sees something nice in others. As I started doing this, the light that shines in the other person is amazing, every time. It not only makes them feel good, but me too.

    Finally, I will take to heart something I always tell orhers: “Enjoy the journey without thinking of the destination.” It does not matter if a deep friendship is formed or not, what matters is the quailty of the interaction here and now. It also does not matter if there is one friend or a hundred, what matters is the quality of the friendship.

    What a beautiful way to start the day 🙂
    Thank you again, dear brother, for sharing and helping me see into my heart.

    With light and warmth,
    Helen

    January 19, 2014 at 2:03 pm #49373
    Helen
    Participant

    This is all sitting well and I have a sense of peace about future connections. There is one specific present tangle that is still giving me trouble:

    I have a friend who cancells on me almost constantly (various reasons) when we make plans, usually at the very last minute. While I display understanding and compassion for her as a fellow human being, I am struggling with my basic principle of “keep your word” and the pain each cancellation brings. I stopped asking her to do anything together but when she asks, I accept if I can, and about 3/4 of the time she cancells (I no longer hold her to her word so the pain is much subdued). I talked to her about it, letting her know this hurts but that I still value our friendship. She said she is struggling with anxiety and will try to be more considerate (when we do get together our connection flows beautifully, equal exchange). So, I offer compassion and understanding again (I don’t recall ever getting angry at her nor has she ever gotten angry at me). I no longer initiate interactions and the struggle comes in choosing compassion for myself (not to hurt when she cancells) and her, who expressed she would like for me to initiate more (and who is herself suffering in her own way). I want to initiate and I don’t want to initiate at the same time.

    I do the metta meditation including her but I think this is a purely internal struggle. “Am I being a good friend? Am I valued as a friend?”

    January 20, 2014 at 6:14 am #49398
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    I can understand why it would feel painful when someone cancels or stands us up. Consider, as you’re seeing, that it is painful because you make it about you, which is normal, usual, but unnecessary. If you know she has difficulties, why does your patience collapse? Why is it about Helen?

    I have a friend that is very similar. Cancels a lot, is late most of the time, and often will get involved in stuff and go long periods without contacting me. It doesn’t bother me, because my garden is in full bloom. Said differently, why fret over people doing what they do? His “neglect” of the friendship only hurts if I make it about me, which would be silly. Instead, I just do my thing, playing with wife, my kids, helping people, and wait patiently.

    Consider a lesson my teacher gave me about being a good dharma friend. We are approached, and asked for help in cultivating mindfulness, and suggest a book or practice. Two weeks later, the friend returns, and asks for help again. We ask about the book or practice and find out nothing has been read, nothing has been practiced. That’s OK, normal, things blossom when conditions are right (and not before) so we can simply nod, smile, and say “OK, what’s been going on?” We don’t take it personally, don’t resent, judge or turn away. We just breathe in, refresh our presence of mind, and engage with where they are right then. No “should have read” or “should have practiced”, only “so what’s up, dear sister, and how can I help?”

    As we settle and grow our roots into our own actions and intentions, perhaps it becomes more and more obvious that blaming others for our suffering is never helpful or righteous. Sure, she has patterns that bristle your sense of value, but that struggle is on your side, and settled on your side. For instance, imagine what difficulty it is to initiate something when we have anxiety. Pressing her to change in order to reduce your pain is reasonable, but perhaps not compassionate. If compassion were there instead of pain, there would only be the spaciousness inside you, accepting her for exactly how she is. “Fear not, dear sister, when you are ready I will be here with my heart open and glowing.” instead of “Why can’t you be different, you hurt my feelings!”

    Picture a gardener getting upset and agitated because one of the buds hasn’t opened yet. Silly, neh?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 20, 2014 at 8:09 am #49404
    Helen
    Participant

    Matt,

    All you say is true. The issue was my perceived inactivity; I do not have any expectations for her to change (I know that is not up to me) and I also know it is not personal because she is this way with everyone else. The pain I felt was my pain, not because of her actions per say but because of my perception of her actions. Changing my perception made the pain subdue, knowing what is what, made the pain subdue/dissapear. Every time she comes, she is greeted by a good dhamma friend, as you do with your friend of similar disposition.

    What you said about waiting patiently is key, and that is what my heart tells me to do. However, she expressed she would like for me to initiate more and I said I would think about it and try. So in a way I gave my word as well, “think about it and try.” True to my word, I am thinking about it. True to my word, I did try. She also expressed to me that she was “dumped” by friends before because of this cancelation issue (she is well aware of it) and I gave her my word I would not do that. This to me is law, I will always be there for her when she comes to me, with open arms and heart.

    The trick, I believe here, is to appease myself that I am true to MY word. I did think about it, now is time to let that go. I did try to initiate, now is time to let that go too. I will always be there for her when she comes to me, that is already set and stable in my heart.

    I truly believe in “teaching” by example and nourishing goodness in my heart. When I face such situations that make me question my “goodness” they are difficult. However, each resolution strenghtens that resolve to remain of right speech, action and mindfulness.

    Thank you again, brother, for your time, wisdom and compassion. I am awed at how stable your heart is and how many minds you can help find a path to joy 🙂

    With light and warmth,
    Helen

    January 20, 2014 at 9:22 am #49407
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    Thank you for the kind words, and I’ve been blessed with such great teachers that giving back is the only thing that makes sense to me. A few things came to heart as I read your words. Consider that “this is law” is problematic. We can’t promise our heart will remain open, because we get hurt feelings. We cant promise to be skillful, because habits push us into unskillful thought, speech and action. What we can do is vow to cultivate loving intentions. Said differently, if you vow to have an open heart and arms for your friend, when you inevitably struggle it puts unneeded pressure on you to perform well. So, even if you’re pissy, you stuff that down and smile and act loving.

    Instead, we can offer our sacred promise to find the path of love, to rekindle the warm affection, and to put our energy behind keeping a connection karma free. For instance, you vowed to think about it, and so now that you have, you feel released from that promise. What good does that do? Consider instead promising to undego the growth needed to keep your hand open and reaching. Then, trust your heart to move you this way and that. If the inspiration comes to call her, do it. If it comes to forgive her for not calling you back like she said she would, do it. This isn’t “I did my due diligence” and therefore am done. This is opening the space so your creativity and light is open and stable.

    This helps us surrender to whatever is needed of us in the moment, because our vow is about helping the mutual growth of compassion and skillfulness no matter what choices and momentums other people have. For instance, my responses aren’t born of “I vow to help such and such a people”, rather it is just me following my desire, my light, sometimes here, sometimes there. Play with the kids, write some words, clean the kitchen, go for a walk, write some words, eat some lunch. Breathe in, breathe out. Each moment isn’t born of obligation, or some sense of “nobility” or “enlightenment” inside me… its just me doing what I like to do, following my heartsong to wherever it leads, because it makes me happy. See the difference?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 20, 2014 at 12:30 pm #49415
    Helen
    Participant

    Matt,

    Yes, I am beginning to see it. I was contemplating on that today as well, promises sometimes cannot be kept because circumstances change but if we keep that loving intention, that is what matters most, just like you said. I am thinking too much about everything now, creating a thought maze, need to just drop it and breathe. Need to just be. In the now.

    You have indeed been blessed with great teachers 🙂 If you don’t mind me asking, did you seek out a teacher? For me, all the conclusions I made came naturally, over time, but I feel at a point now where I need a little more guidance and would welcome a teacher.

    With light and warmth,
    Helen

    January 20, 2014 at 5:33 pm #49451
    lightsource
    Participant

    I want to thank both Helen and Matt for your inspiration. I have learned a lot from your question and responses, Helen and Matt. I find myself rereading them over and over. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Matt. You should consider writing a story for Tiny Buddha. I wish you both peace and love.

    January 20, 2014 at 6:11 pm #49456
    Helen
    Participant

    Thank you lightsource. I wholeheartedly agree that Tiny Buddha would be enriched if Matt wrote an article for the main site; so much of his wisdom, depth, and warmth would be shared with many who don’t participate in/read the forum 🙂
    Love and peace to you as well.
    Helen

    January 20, 2014 at 10:56 pm #49458
    Matt
    Participant

    Lightsource,

    I’m glad the exchange resonated with you, and wish you well! Writing articles could be fun, maybe someday. 🙂

    Helen,

    Thanks for the kind words. I did find and approach most of my teachers. I’d be willing to teach you what I’ve learned, if you’re interested. Feel free to post an email address if you’d like to talk privately… especially if you’re interested in healing energy. 🙂 Or, local sanghas often have dharma talks, and you can often ask to speak to the monk privately for a small (not required, but polite) donation to the sangha.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 21, 2014 at 9:24 am #49476
    Helen
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you much for that 🙂 Yes, I would be interested in healing energy and to learn more from you. You have been a great inspiration and guide. My email is eki.eka@gmail.com

    I am looking into local Buddhist sanghas as well and there is a meetup group in my area that I have been considering joining.

    Thank you again and I look forward to hearing from you via email.

    With light and warmth,
    Helen

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