Home→Forums→Relationships→Unsure if I should get married
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October 18, 2017 at 11:24 am #173743
RoxParticipantHi Aura,
My mom would always tell me this ” finding a good man is like winning the lottery, it is nearly impossible”. I have dated my share of amazing man and my share of assholes. Don’t get stuck in the idea that there is something better out there for you. What matters, is that you love him. If you love him, fight for the love you have for him. I feel like a lot of the emotions that you are feeling, are due to what your mom has said about him. I am like that too- if someone says negative things about someone that I am dating, I will soon start to believe them- specially if their opinions matter to me. So my questions to you are as follow: Does he make you happy? Can you imagine living life without him?
Love is soooooo much more than physical appearance. I rather be with a man that is not the best looking out there but that treats me like a queen. I now appreciate a good man because I dated assholes so be careful in your decision.
I wish you all the best!
Rox
October 18, 2017 at 12:47 pm #173777
AnonymousGuestDear Aura:
You wrote: “My family is a very jealous one, I have three sisters and none of us had ever brought home a man that my parents liked”- and so it goes, four sisters who didn’t bring home a man (your mother) liked. Well, she liked him at first, but she corrected herself.
He reads like a loving, wonderful man. Your thinking and going about this relationship, the way you proceeded, taking your time, asking the questions, noticing all that you have, all are reasonable and quite impressive, if I may say so.
Unfortunately, what a girl’s mother thinks is so important to a girl, and the girl in you, that child that is in you (aka inner child) cares so much, that the importance of what I type here, of what anyone shares with you, pales in comparison, pales by a whole lot.
For a child, a little girl, there is no difference between herself and her mother, the two are one, a unit. With functional maturing, the girl separates from the mother. What you are experiencing is a going back to that unit. The answer, of course, is in reestablishing the separation that you did achieve, the undoing of the blur.
If such is not possible, this separation from her, mentally, then a marriage will not be fair to him.
It may be time for quality psychotherapy. If your mother continues with her negative and unreasonable input regarding this planned marriage, I do not see how you can establish and maintain the separation I am talking about. If she doesn’t change her input, and you keep hearing it, keep receiving it, your mental health is at great risk as well as a marriage with him, if it is to materialize.
If you keep contact with your mother and she continues to give her input regarding this man and the marriage with him, then your marriage and your emotional health are in trouble.
If she wouldn’t stop all of her input regarding this man and the marriage, all negative or positive input (at this point I don’t see how the latter can be trustworthy), then I think that the following choice is in front of you: end the relationship, cancel the wedding or cut all contact with your mother/ all contact that will deliver to you her input and resurrect the wonderful relationship you had and get married.
anita
October 18, 2017 at 2:09 pm #173787
MelissaParticipantAura,
I like Anita’s sentiments and I want to add a few more questions for reflection.
1) Imagine your mom’s opinion did not make you look at your fiance any differently, what would you do then?
I read this article here on tinybuddha recently. https://tinybuddha.com/blog/3-ways-to-decide-whose-opinion-of-you-matters/. It may be helpful to you. It asks questions to clarify if you should actually accept the opinion being offered.
2) Why is your only option to get married or breakup?
If your fiance is as kind, thoughtful and loving as you say, I would hope he would be open to extending your engagement for you to work through your issues with your mom and to work through the thoughts she has planted in your head. This give you and he more time to work through this together, possibly building stronger bonds.
2) How heavily is your dislike of parties weighing on your decision?
While I understand the expectation to have a big wedding (I am also from a Mexican family) I also understand that some of us do not desire to have one, plan one or be the center of attention. Please know that there are alternatives to a big celebration that still allow you to celebrate with those you love.
One option is to have a very small ceremony with just those few people who are important enough to you to have them there. Then have smaller get togethers with groups of people that either really want to celebrate with you or you want to celebrate with. My husband and I did this and it was perfect. We got married in a small ceremony with just our moms in attendance (both our dad’s have passed) and then we had several smaller get togethers, for cake, or dinner (but always champagne)- with different parts of each of our families, with different groups of friends-all without us having to plan- we simply told people that we would celebrate with them the next time we were going to see them. It created a reason to spend time with people we loved and we had 5 cakes and more champagne that we could count.
Of course you don’t have to do it like we did, but understand there are other options than a big wedding, even in a mexican family.
I hope you come to find some peace with your mom and are able to accept that the best part of your fiance far outweigh the things your mom is finding to criticize.
Melissa
October 18, 2017 at 4:48 pm #173795
AuraParticipantDear Anita, thank you for your honest and insightful reply. I regret stopping my therapy back in university, my lack of dissociation from my mother is quite in fact the problem the therapist mentionned to be the most important one I had to work on. I feel like my man is not the problem, it’s the fact that, whichever man I bring into the family could take me to an unhappy relationship and even marriage if I never establish the limits.
I think the wisest and less impulsive choice will be to ask my fiance for time, take a step back so I can work on this issue, and go back to psychotherapy. As for now, you and Melissa gave me a lot of information to start my mental journey and I can already feel some peace and hope after this peril.
October 18, 2017 at 4:55 pm #173797AuraParticipantDear Melissa, thanks for your insight as well, it is very understanding of my current situation. I think I was going too extreme by thinking in marriage or breakup, talking to a friend today and reading all the replies here has given me some light and I think what I need is time to work on myself. In the end, the problem is me – my fiance did not change, he’s still the guy I fell in love with and more, and my mother’s opinions are just that, but I’m taking them too deeply.
Thanks also for the article- I’ll be sure to give it a read and meditate on it!
October 19, 2017 at 9:34 am #173869AnonymousGuestDear Aura:
You are welcome. Regarding your aim to “establish the limits” with your mother, I think one such limit would be for her to give you no input whatsoever about your boyfriend/ husband to be and about your marriage to be (or not to be). Any input from her, I think, will undo future progress in therapy.
Post again if you’d like, any time.
anita
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