Home→Forums→Relationships→Unsure about my relationship
- This topic has 18 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by
Jason.
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July 15, 2018 at 11:04 am #216773
Anonymous
GuestDear Matt:
I need to be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back.
Please be good to you.
anita
July 16, 2018 at 3:31 am #216813Anonymous
GuestDear Matt:
“Is this anger what you mean by her not encouraging me to be assertive?” – yes.
“I make myself smaller than I really am”, you wrote. You do so because you are afraid. Making yourself smaller is communicating: please don’t hurt me!
Expressing anger at a person so afraid is scaring the person even more. Think of a child who is very scared, shaking from fear. Do you go to that child, stand tall above him, angry face, and demand in a loud voice: don’t be afraid!?
No, you go to his height level, relax your face so it has empathy registered on it, not anger, and in a soft voice say: it is okay. You are okay. Everything is fine. And you hold his hand, or gently hug him.
Regarding your rewriting of that paragraph, you wrote that when you try to open up to people about feeling helpless, bored, lonely, they withdraw, and it “makes them insecure about themselves and sometimes angry as with my girlfriend” and “they feel like they’re not good enough for not knowing how to help me feel better”.
My input at this point (let me know if it clarifies anything for you and I will reply further): I suppose your father may feel this way if and when you open up to him about these things because he himself is so scared, he makes himself small. So if you tell him that you are scared and you make yourself small, he may feel very badly because he modeled to you this behavior, and he is very aware of how painful it is to live this way. So better not open up to him. He can’t help you, so what would be the use.
When you share the same with your girlfriend, she doesn’t feel like your father, she feels anger and disapproval of you, not guilt, like your father may be feeling. Her thoughts would be different from your father’s. Better not share with her because not only is she not helping, but she is scaring you further, increasing and maintaining your fear.
anita
July 17, 2018 at 3:24 am #217181Jason
ParticipantVery good points brought up here by Anita. Also, if your “mentor” is saying that you will have nothing, you might want to reconsider them as a mentor. Have some belittle and undermine everything you have is not the way to go. Consider carefully choosing the relationships in your life, get rid of bad and show compassion and gratitude to the good.
Hear out what your loved ones are saying, especially if those things are recurring from everyone. Be proud of yourself and what you will do; come to terms with your insecurities and inner feelings, perhaps find it in yourself or talk with some support group other than your mentor, and be more confident. Good luck on your journey of life!
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