Unplanned Pregnancy

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This topic has 7 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 22, 2015 at 9:09 am #75667

Aquamarina
Participant

Hello Tina Buddha community,

I am posting on here because I am truly at a loss…I have no idea what to do. I just found out that i am pregnant, by esitamation 8 weeks. I am 27 years old, turning 28 this year so it’s not like I’m a child. I am just scared. I have been with my bf for over 3 years and we have just completed one year of living together, everything seemed to be falling into place…we also have a cat and a dog both of which we consider our children. We both have steady jobs(we dont make that much) but its not like we’re struggling. I have been on birth control since we have been dating…i have slipped up twice before. Yes I have had 2 abortions as a result….the emotional and psychological effects of which I have not fully recovered and I doubt I ever will. I still have nightmares. I know that many will judge me, I just could not keep them for more reasons than one. One of those reasons being that he has been very clear since the beginning of our relationship that he has no intention to be a father. He never forced me into the abortions, he always stated that he would support me no matter what my decision…

One of the reasons why we both get along so well is that we both have similar goals, I have never wanted to be a mother. I never saw it as a role I would be able to fill properly. I never wanted to bring a child into this world….a world filled with so much pain, suffering and materialistic values…i did not want to contribute to it. I also did not want to be the root cause of his hating his life, having to give up everything he has worked so hard to accomplish due to my choice to have this child. He would never admit it to my face but I know deep down that the baby and I would harbour so much resentment in him…I dont want that. I dont want to “ruin” his life. Another thing is that his mother would hate me for being the cause of his “ruin” she always expects so much of him…likes to be able to brag about his accomplishments or criticizes his lack of them. My being preganant would just cause a massive issue…shame being one of them…everyone in the family would find out and my bf and I will be just another “guess who got knocked up”-story. Hispanics love to gossip….I just cant bear the thought of all the negativity that will follow…

I just cannot go through with another abortion, my appoitnemt is this friday and I am having 2nd thoughts. I dont know what to do as I cannot wait any longer to go through the procedure in order for it to be safe and without complications.
I am scared and confused and I have no one I can speak to about this….

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

April 22, 2015 at 11:50 am #75673

Kelli
Participant

Hi Maria,

Your post resonated with me so much I was prompted to register an account. I have been in a similar situation. I had an abortion at 24, at the time I wasn’t committed to my relationship and was unemployed and felt it wasn’t right to bring a child into the world without being able to even support myself.

As with your situation, your answer mainly lies with what YOU want. Your partner may not want a child, and you may face possible scrutiny from your families, but ultimately if you really don’t see yourself as a mother then it’s alright to not be one. Having children isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. I still feel the guilt and psychological effects in my life from time to time but at the end of the day, I’m not ready. And if one day you decide you want children then that’s fine, too. But if it isn’t something you feel you can really do right now, either with your partner or on your own, then the choice you make will be the best for you, and your feelings come first.

Best of luck.

April 22, 2015 at 3:12 pm #75685

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi Maria,

I haven’t ever been in the position to have an abortion, but I do agree with hikikomori – please be kind to yourself, and put yourself first. Don’t think about your partner and your partner’s mother or what anyone will say… ultimately, this is about YOU, and what you want. You deserve only to do what you think is best for you. Whatever decision you make, be kind to yourself, and know that you have people that will support you whatever your decision.

April 22, 2015 at 3:13 pm #75686

Shelby
Participant

MaRia, have you thought about giving the baby up for adoption? There are many couples out there who are unable to have children, but are able to provide a wonderful life for an adopted child.
I know pregnancy and childbirth can be scary, but if you don’t want another abortion and you don’t want to be a mom…. Why not give someone else the gift of a child of their own? Some very good friends of mine are a point of reference for me. They both have incredible careers, a beautiful home and are just the sweetest people in the world. However, they are unable to conceive. It has been a hard few years for them, but they are not looking to adopt and beginning the process now.
There are probably thousands of couples in this country just like them. It is ultimately your choice, and I hope your boyfriend will empower you to make your own decision. Just thought I’d comment since you said you were uncertain.
My thoughts are with you, good luck.

April 22, 2015 at 3:13 pm #75687

Shelby
Participant

MaRia, have you thought about giving the baby up for adoption? There are many couples out there who are unable to have children, but are able to provide a wonderful life for an adopted child.

I know pregnancy and childbirth can be scary, but if you don’t want another abortion and you don’t want to be a mom…. Why not give someone else the gift of a child of their own? Some very good friends of mine are a point of reference for me. They both have incredible careers, a beautiful home and are just the sweetest people in the world. However, they are unable to conceive. It has been a hard few years for them, but they are not looking to adopt and beginning the process now.

There are probably thousands of couples in this country just my friends. It is ultimately your choice, and I hope your boyfriend will empower you to make your own decision. Just thought I’d comment since you said you were uncertain.
My thoughts are with you, good luck.

April 24, 2015 at 2:31 am #75756

Will
Participant

You do not have to be a mother if you do not want to.

You do not have to have another abortion if you do not want to.

It’s very hard to advise on this because this really is your call to make and nobody else’s. I don’t think there’s any shame or blame in having an abortion, but I’ve never had one. I don’t know, and can’t know, exactly what you went through, and what the emotional and psychological fallout has been for you.

This is a tough decision. It’s OK to need time with it. And although the person making the choice is ultimately you, that doesn’t mean you have to make it alone. Talk to your partner, your doctor, a counsellor. What would need to be in place for you to have a baby, for adoption or to raise yourself, and to still live a good life? What would need to be in place for you to have an abortion, and still live a good life?

I wish for you clarity, wisdom, and courage. And whatever you choose, I wish for a good life for you.

April 24, 2015 at 8:57 am #75762

Anne
Participant

Hi! I joined the forum just to reply to you also. Two years ago I was in the exact same position. I was still recovering from an abortion (seems like a lifelong process) and found out that I was pregnant. I know how scary it feels. You feel like your life will be worse no matter what your decision is. The prospect of motherhood was never appealing to me and I was focusing on my career.

I felt really resentful towards my S/O about the previous abortion and didn’t want to have another one because it is so hard to go through, psychologically. I made the choice I felt was most true to myself and I ended up having my son last year. I can’t say it’s easy, or that it hasn’t changed my relationship, but I cannot imagine my life without him. (I’m not telling you this to influence your decision.)

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and tell you that I completely understand what you are going through. Please do what your intuition tells you to do, not what will please your boyfriend. Hugs!

May 1, 2015 at 1:05 pm #76036

Anonymous
Inactive

Hello,

First, I want to say that my heart goes out to you. Even though it’s already friday and you’ve probably already made a choice, I felt compelled to respond to your post, as I am a woman in her 20’s who has had an abortion. It is not my intent to try to sway you either way, but I just wanted to put it out there that you MUST do what you feel in your heart is right – and the decision has to be exclusively for you and you first and secondly for your child and nobody else. Unfortunately, being pregnant is not a circumstance that you can negotiate or compromise on with your partner or any other person. I want to share my story with you. My abortion was the beginning of the end for my very serious relationship. My ex (who was terribly emotionally abusive) tried talking and pressuring me out of it… He very inappropriately told all of his friends, family, and coworkers about my choice (turning them against me in the process)… And in the end, he held it over my head and called me a murder for what I had done. One might infer that because of what I did, I destroyed a relationship that I was sure would last forever. Even though I’m still grieving the break up, I can happily report that I wouldn’t change a thing. Because it was something that I had done with 200% of my heart, I still to this day, do not regret it. Nor have I ever had any second thoughts about it.

Whatever you do, if you truly feel certain about it, if you truly feel in your heart that it’s the right thing for you, then you will not feel bad and you will not regret it. And anything that anybody has to say about it will simply not matter.

Best of luck.
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