Dear Alecsee:

I am looking forward to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Alecsee:

You are 29, you want to buy a home in the next year because the housing market is expected to plummet, and you hope to buy a house for a cheap price in the coming year. You shared that you have a choice to make:

1. Stay in your current job where

– you traveled way too much and put way too many miles on your car, which is distressing to you.

– you were recently required to quickly move to a new, mountainous location for a minimum of 3.5 months; mountains distress you because you feel isolated there, and last time you lived in the mountains for two weeks, you hated your life.

– in the new location you will be working 86 hours (?)/ 6 days a week. leaving you “no life” and no free time, which you need so to be able “to vent”.

– this job will make it possible for you to make $32,000-$38,500 this coming year, and you may be able to buy a home in one year from now.

– moving quickly means that you will be paying rent for your current apartment while not living there.

– in this job, you have less contact with people, and therefore, less chance of contracting the coronavirus.

2. Take a different job that

– is five minutes away from your apartment, so almost no traveling and no adding miles to your car. Less travel/ adding miles to your car= Less distress.

– it does not require you to relocate or leave your apartment and pay rent for it, you will not be living in the mountains and feeling isolated.

– you will be working less hours, and therefore, have more free time to vent.

– it pays less ($20 per hour, with 8 hours of potential overtime pay of $30 per hour), and you may be able to buy a home in two years from now, instead of 1.

– the job involves more contact with people/ clients, and therefore, more of a chance to get infected with the coronavirus.

My input: if it wasn’t for the higher chance that you get infected with the coronavirus in the second option, I would definitely vote for the second option because it is very important for you to have the least stress possible in a job or in any living situation.

In your previous threads you shared the following relevant information:

March 2019: “The relationship was working out but due to my job, I started getting constantly mad at her a lot and taking it out on her… seems she sees me as this angry guy… had weekly emotional outbursts”- of course, there is no excuse of taking out your anger frustrations on another person, but a less stressful job=> less anger/ hopefully no uncontrolled emotional outbursts=> easier for you to.. live, including, hopefully, to carry on a healthy relationship with a woman/ with others.

September 2019, regarding the same ex: “I was angry and very frustrated with my job but my ex hung on.. at my worst, she didn’t look away “- you don’t want to be at your worst and mistreat others.  better have a job that is not very frustrating!

“In the first half of 2018, I was an angry individual because of my job”- better have a job that will not make you an angry individual!

“When I was a junior in university.. I would wake up and could not decide if I wanted to be an engineer or a math teacher.  This started to effect my daily life. I couldn’t decide to pass the  ball left or right in soccer. Needless to say, IT WAS BAD. It effected me for the rest of my life. I learned to control and calm myself and reach a state of  normality. But there have been events which trigger the indecisiveness again.. I put a lot of pressure to be successful.. it sometimes takes one little thing to trigger these emotions.. REGRET and LETTING GO are the worst for me. I always over analyze everything… Doubting myself since I’m hard on myself a lot of the time.. I feel like my life is falling apart even tho logically I made the right choice seeking a cheap apt in an expensive market.. I also don’t think I’m as open to change as I used to be.. I hate REGRETTING more than anything. It kills me mentally and emotionally”-

– what this means to me is that you suffer from significant anxiety, particularly around making choices. It means that at least when faced with the need to make a significant choice in your life, you become very anxious. You are afraid to feel regret if you make the wrong choice (feeling regret is very painful for you), and no matter what choice you make.. you feel regret anyway because every choice has a negative.

The current significant choice you need to make is one of “the events which trigger the indecisiveness”. As you make this current choice, you will experience regret no matter what, so accept and expect it- it will be less painful for you if you are not surprised by the regret to come.

Changes add to your anxiety (“don’t think I’m so open to changes”)- so, within reason, choose what involves less of a change.

– I wrote to you earlier in this post that if it wasn’t for the concern about the coronavirus, I am all for the second choice- hardly any traveling, no need to move out of your apartment, no need to live in the mountains and work long, long hours with no free time, and no life.

Let’s think about the coronavirus/ health issue: in another thread, you wrote regarding a more recent ex, “It just sucks because we promised each other we would do all these wild sexual things I’ve never experienced (unprotected sex, a threesome.. ) and it sucks not .. to carry those out”- it would have been risky, health wise, to carry such activities, unprotected sex with one or multiple partners. The coronavirus is not the only very unpleasant and deadly virus: the Human Immunodeficiency Viruses are also deadly, and even if you live long with all those drugs, it is very unpleasant, to say the least.

The Herpes Simplex Virus causing genital herpes is a lifelong unpleasant experience, and there are other sexually transmitted diseases caused by other viruses, bacteria and parasites.

My point is, when you consider your health, and the health of others, consider not only the coronavirus but other pathogens, see the bigger picture, keep yourself and others as healthy and as safe as possible considering your lifestyle, behaviors and habits overall.

And last, for now- find out and consider the coronavirus related practices and policies in your new job: will social distancing and masks be mandatory, will you work with people indoors or outdoors; if indoors, is there an effective ventilation system that removes pathogens in the air, or is it a system that keeps the pathogens in the room/ office, circulating them and therefore increasing their access to the people breathing them in ???

anita

Dear Alecsee:

In your recent post you wrote about the job offer that you didn’t get: “(It) was perfect for me”, but in your original post, three days ago, you wrote about that same job offer: “(It) is pretty low pay for someone who has good education.. a lot more contact with clients and is more dangerous“- so you see, it was not perfect for you.

It is regret that retroactively makes that job offer look perfect.

“I didn’t capitalize on it. So I’m just disappointed I didn’t just take it… I just blew it. My health is and will suffer from this”: most of your suffering =  regret. It is regret, way more than not getting this job, that is causing you to suffer.

You were conflicted about that job because it pays less and you wanted to buy a home in the next year, something that would have been way less likely if you took that job.

You have to go easier on yourself, gentler; you are beating yourself up, saying things to yourself that are not true. Did you beat yourself up like this when you were a child, or a teenager, for alleged wrong choices and possible mistakes?

anita