I guess I should start with saying that I am not a Buddhist. I have very little knowledge of Buddhism but I feel this might be the best place to post about this. Second I do not believe for a moment that having an ego death sets me above anyone else. If anything it has taught me that to think that way is to go right back into ego.

Since I was very young I have had a fascination with spirituality and what is there that we can not see. I’ve read many books and visited hundreds of websites over the years dealing with everything from near death experiences to ESP to philosophy. I just wanted to know the answers and if I didn’t get them then at least the journey would be interesting.

A few weeks ago I came across an article by a Buddhist who said that the sense of self was an illusion and that we should all work toward moving away from a sense of self. My first reaction was to get angry at this man because I was sure he was wrong and he was telling “me” I didn’t exist. However a few days later I began to mull what he had said over in my head. It went something like this…

“Who am I? I guess I should start out by finding out who or what I am not. I am not my beliefs they are separate from me. I am not my hobbies, I am not my job, I am not my political affiliations” etc. etc. This went on for some time. When it was over I was still left with the question “Who am I?” I had the answer “I am no one.” With that something changed. I came to certain realizations for which I have no explanation. Everything and everyone was part of a whole. Your sense of self is not who you are, the world is fine just the way it is and the one that scared me the most I was no longer attached to my ego. My ego is still very much there but unless I let it pull me in I can operate separate from it.

I wish I could say that this suddenly made me full of joy and wonder but it didn’t. I spent two days feeling that I was lied to and that life was pointless. I spent several more days getting used to being “no one” and then realizing that every aspect of my life had suddenly changed. My emotions worked differently, I didn’t spend hours at night worried about my job the next day and I was now very aware of just how many times people or ads mention the self. “I want to…” “It’s all about you!” “What do YOU want?” This took some getting used to.

So here I am three weeks later wondering where to go from here. I feel almost like I died three weeks ago and am now a new person or a new “non-person” for lack of a better term. I’ve seen a mental health therapist albeit one who believes in a higher power. He told me I don’t meet the criteria to be labeled mentally ill so what now? How does “no one” live a life?