WHether you share your life with him- that is a topic to evaluate and talk about. You do evaluate and talk about much smaller issues than the choosing of your mate-for-life, so i am not surprised you want to evaluate this huge issue. When you brought it up to him, telling him you view him as neutral and asking him to tell you more about his subjective emotional experience, his subjective inner emotional experience that he may not express but feel— what did he say???

anita

Run. I have had 19 years of this.

Dear katherine:
This makes me wonder. I self reflect a lot and i am curious about other people and what make them tic. From your short description of your fiance i acn guess all kinds of things but they will be only guesses. I am sure you know, as one who reflects, that he is very, very unlikely to change. Why would he? The way he is – is working for him. Did you or are you expecting him to change? If you examine yourself deeply, on some deep level, did you or do you expect him to change? Or even hope he will?

If you do, what if he does not change (99.999% he does not, my estimation)- will you be able to live with him? Will you want to live with him?

If you need a reflecting man in your life, that kind of emotional connection, WHY will you compromise with one who is not?

I cannot go on with my reply without knowing the answers to these.

take care:
anita

Katherine,

It’s funny I stumbled upon this post… I deal with the same thing myself and it used to really bother me. I used to question our relationship but I actually haven’t thought about it in a while. I am not engaged yet, but am in a 2+ year relationship, and like you, I am always thinking (often over-thinking) my thoughts and actions, as well as other peoples thoughts and actions. While this introverted quality of his used to get to me (I used to spend hours researching introverts and how to deal with them) when I stopped worrying about it, everything worked itself out. I now realize how well we balance each other out. I’ve brought out the best in him, allowing him to be himself and sometimes let out his goofy side, and he has brought out a much more introverted side of me that I now love! I understand that our brains work differently and I often reach out to my family and friends when I want to deeply connect and talk about what’s on my over-analytic mind. It’s allowed me to form relationships outside of ours that I probably wouldn’t have made if I had a partner that talked about everything that I wanted to. I look forward to seeing what qualities our kids will carry on. Whether they’ll me like him, me or an equal split of both 🙂
In short, look at this as an opportunity. He was placed in your life for a reason and it’s something you can learn and grow from. In the end, whether you decide to marry him or not is up to you. I challenge you to look at your relationship in a new way and maybe form some new relationships to meet your emotional needs. Research introverts as well;)! You’ll learn alot about how wonderful they can be.

Best of luck! Everything will work out in the end, I promise!

I was in a very very similar sounding relationship for 4.5 years. It was a bit different as we were trying out polyamoury, so the lack of ability to communicate emotions on his part was actually incredibly detrimental. It’s only been a year since we broke up, so I still have lots of feels.

Here are a few things I wish someone had encouraged me to think about earlier in the relationship as it pertains to what you’ve shared:

>What do I NEED in a relationship? Specifically, you addressed that you have emotional connections elsewhere. Does that feel good? Or do you need specific things, such as sharing openly emotions, from your partner? Sometimes it can be all well and fine to have the idea of “well this friendship serves this need, and this one serves this one” and that can work. And it might not. So deciding that is huge.
>Whatever you decide is a need in a relationship is ABSOLUTELY VALID. It is perfectly okay to recognize things like needing that emotional sharing in a life partner. For some people, they don’t need that. I know that I absolutely need that and I spent a lot of time trying to talk myself out of that perspective and shaming myself for not just being able to accept it. It’s hard to validate our needs in a relationship, especially in the context where “everything feels fine.” except for this REALLYBIG thing.

I also spent a lot of time thinking things like, “hmm, if I just do this or that differently. If I wasn’t so xyz demanding. If I wasn’t so emotional. If if if…” which ended up with me just feeling resentful of him and also myself.

I would echo sentiments of talking to someone with some schooling behind them about it. I think it speaks a lot that you are identifying this, and clearly concerned, via posting it for feedback.

you’re amazing. don’t forget it.

Katherine,

I do find it hard sometimes when I tell him what’s on my mind and all I get is a monotone “Yeah…” or “It’ll be ok…” I often get jealous of my friends because I know they can talk about emotional stuff with their boyfriends for hours and I don’t have that deep level connection, but there are so many other things that I do love and he shows his love non-verbally. We love to just cuddle and feel each other’s closeness, and he is always good about getting me flowers and expressing his love with a simple “I love you”. I now love that we can sit in silence and not have to blabber on about pointless things and he loves that I don’t sit and gossip and complain like most of my girl friends. When we do have conversations and he does open up to me about a stressful day or something, I make sure and support what he says 100%, make sure not to judge, and enjoy every minute of his openness. Connecting on deep levels is unrealistic knowing the type of person your dealing with. Try not to over-think this. Find the positives in your partner and focus on those. Hearing these comments saying “Run” makes even me question my relationship again, so I have to remember how much I love him in so many other ways. This is ultimately your decision so no one here can tell you to stay or run. I deal with the same issues, but he is also VERY kind, loving, generous person that I can’t wait to share kids and my life with. We had a talk about communication when we first started dating, and we still struggle with it today. But it’s worth working on, and your fiance has to be willing to work on it too if it’s bugging you that badly. Be proactive and be sure that it’s something you’re willing to be with forever. Don’t stress about it, it only makes things worse! I too am guilty of over-thinking this, but like I said, before I saw this post I completely forgot we even had this issue, haha. Have another talk with him about your communication, tell him it’s been on your mind, feel things out these next couple days/weeks/months and go from there. See if things improve!