* Dear lynne:

Someone termed it “attachment trauma”- that is an injury happening to a child, an injury having to do with the natural INTENSE attachment of a child to a parent, main care taker, and that attachment being torn, cut, the child ending with an intense feeling of dread of being alone, an intense need to attach to someone, often anyone so to relieve that dread born out of an injured childhood, an attachment trauma.

The need of attachment to others in humans is natural and therefore normal at ANY age as we are social animals. When it is distressingly intense and problematic, standing in our way of well being, it is most often because that need to attach to the main care giver in childhood was not satisfied, or wasn’t right. I can’t find the words right now, but do you relate to what I am typing here?

The solution, if you do relate, is not in learning to live alone happily- sometimes yes- but a person cannot become a non-social animal. We are genetically programmed to be social animals. It is about healing that trauma, that injury in childhood the best we can through good psychotherapy, or a good friend, a good partner, in other words, through a HEALING relationship. A healing relationship is required so to undo (the best we can) the consequences of the relationship that injured us.

Dear Geoffrey:

I wrote a lot on this thread about my Chosen Mother, an image in my brain of a good, calming and calm mother. When I conjure her, I am not alone. I personally was and am not able to feel okay otherwise. Maybe everyone needs an image like that? What do you think?

anita

Thank you Anita, as silly as it sounds I never believed I was allowed to create my own version of “peaceful mother” based on my own spiritual needs. Just reading your suggestion gives me pause to think that maybe I could replace those negative memories with positive, warm, loving images to help heal the broken parts inside me.

Thank you Geoffrey for sharing those details. I do believe that some people are made to come into our lives at certain points for limited time. I hope you continue to find peace and understanding within that relationship.

Thank you Elle for sharing your story. I hear you. I hope you find peace within your relationship as well. My post was not in any way trying to “bash” anyone. Our relationship at work was not open, nor did either of us want it to be. So there was no badmouthing or involvement of anyone else we worked with. It was a backstory to my heartache and a opportunity to try to understand why in letting those we care about go, the hurt and longing for them continue to haunt our souls. Even after we think we have accepted it. Anita had stated that it could be “attachment and acceptance” issues to those who have failed to nurture and care for us in the past. I tend to agree with her and appreciated the options she shared. I realize it was never about him – my attachment was about what he represented and how badly I wanted his approval, acceptance and validation. I mistakenly believed it needed to come from “someone” and really, it may be that ‘someone” could be within myself – as another peaceful mother.

Peace and Light

My relationship with my ex had nothing to with my mother or needing a mother figure, as I have a very close and great relationship with my mother all my life. So there is no void here. I wrote about my ex lying about our relationship to everyone. Telling people, we never had one in order to protect her sexual identity. I shouldn’t have to pay the price for someone else’s issues within themselves. I’ve taken my partial responsibility, that’s the mature thing. I didn’t force my ex to have fall for me or have deep feelings for me, she did that on her own.