Understanding Emotional Confusion

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This topic has 21 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 22, 2015 at 8:39 am #85851

Geoffrey
Participant

So here is my situation and honestly it never seems to make any sense any maybe someone here can shed some light.

I have been doing counseling, exercise and meditation the past few months to build a better and stronger me, emotionally. I have come a long way through some serious trials this year and feel I am in a better place now than I have ever been before. The one thing that confuses me has to do with a woman I was in love with and we haven’t talked in months now. I have followed all the rules on how to get over someone, talked about it, removed evidence of her from my life, etc etc. I tell myself she is gone and we won’t ever talk again and I believe I have accepted it. My problem is I only feel like I have peace when it comes to her when I listen to the voice that says she will be back in my life one day. I get anxious and confused when I try to silence that voice. I still have weird dreams about her in my life occasionally and she appears in my mind from time to time while meditating. I want to believe I just need more healing and some new doors to open but get very confused why I feel at peace when I accept I will hear from her again some day. Obviously this doesn’t feel healthy either because I become impatient too after a few days of not hearing from her and then the cycle starts all over again. Thoughts?

October 22, 2015 at 9:01 am #85852

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Geoffrey:

It is probably your misunderstanding of WHY you feel peace of mind when you have hope about ending up with that woman that bothers you- because you don’t understand the why and therefore there is conflict. I think that the reason you have peace of mind when you have hope is because of the ATTACHMENT need, a human need first, attachment to a parent, for the survival of the young (animals, humans)-

There is a connection between attachment and survival from a very early age. When that early attachment to a parent was not satisfactory, when the child was left with lingering anxiety, then the attachment need to another- in adulthood- is stronger than it would have been otherwise.

So, when you feel at peace when hopeful about being successfully attached to her in the future, it means there is the normal attachment need any human has at ANY age, plus, likely, there is extra need for attachment because of unmet safety needs in childhood attachment.

I don’t think there is a way to heal a natural need (to be attached)- only to acknowledge. This is what I do about my need recently: I imagine a “chosen mother” – I already have the face, the voice, and I talk to her in my mind and she talks to me, comforting me, telling me how well I am doing, that she is proud of me, that she will always be with me, for as long as I live. That I can always call her and she will be there for me.

anita

October 22, 2015 at 10:17 am #85863

Geoffrey
Participant

anita,

Thanks for sharing and that makes a lot of sense. Thanks for shedding some light and perspective on the situation. I appreciate it!

October 22, 2015 at 10:30 am #85864

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Geoffrey, anytime.
anita

October 22, 2015 at 11:29 am #85878

Crystal
Participant

Anita – Could you share a little more about your “chosen mother”. How you thought of her? What characteristics she has? What situations you call out to her?

I have created a very close relationship with a co-worker that is toxic to my life. Yet I seem unable to let him go. Despite months of therapy, very much like Geoffrey, I feel like I have accepted he can no longer be a part of my present. I have blocked his number from my phone, deleted him on social media, refused to entertain social situations where he will be. But the nagging feelings of confusion and anxiety are only silenced when I consider that we will some day return to friends/lovers? Part of the problem is that he is more than willing to perpetuate that fantasy (for his own gain). In reviewing my feelings, I have found that it is more the “attributes” he possesses that keep me engaged. He has such a strong personality, well respected in the workplace, intelligent, charismatic, but manipulative to a fault and completely self absorbed. So in reality, it’s not about him as a person, but more about me needing his approval, validation, acceptance.

The bizarre part of this situation is I do have a very loving, caring, supportive, dedicated partner at home. He is nothing like this coworker. He shares none of the destructive behaviors my coworker displays. Therefore, I am dealing with a deep seated connection that stems from previous relationships I have had. Maybe creating a “Chosen mother” to take the place of this destructive force in my life would help.

Thank you for any suggestions. Peace & love

October 22, 2015 at 12:22 pm #85885

Geoffrey
Participant

If you Google “spiritual team” you can learn about beliefs that people have that we all have guardian angels, ancestors, etc that we can speak to and ask for guidance. My beliefs in this are very light but I have done a few meditative walks this year that I have felt my father who has passed away was there with me. It’s not exactly the same as to what anita said but the premise is similar. I have definitely spoken out loud occasionally asking for wisdom and guidance and truly believe I wouldn’t have come this far without the help someone gave me I cannot see. I think that’s what makes my story so difficult is that even when I meditate and feel at complete peace I believe she will be back in my life again. Maybe it’s like anita said and it’s just my most recent attachment that I am holding on to that gives me peace but there are times it doesn’t make sense and for some reason I know we will talk again. I haven’t ever had this experience before in previous situations which makes it new territory. Maybe I need to ask my spiritual team to open some new doors faster, ha.

October 22, 2015 at 12:22 pm #85886

Anonymous
Guest

* Dear puteryogi: I wonder if the co worker triggers your attachment to a parent in your life, his attributes fitting with your memory or perception of attributes of a parent and hence the attachment is automatic.

My Chosen Mother: when I was in my early twenties I spent one afternoon till the morning after in a home of a woman, a visit of sorts. It so happens. She had long black hair and kind eyes and was pregnant. That morning so long ago has become etched in my clear memory ever since, three decades going. I woke up in the room upstairs, the sun shone gently through the window, no curtain. The air was clean and fresh and cool enough. There were children (the woman was married and there were children upstairs in another room). As I lay there in the very quiet morning, I heard Whispers in the Kitchen. They were calm whispers. The woman was talking to her husband quietly and most calmly about matters of the day (He was about to leave for work). After a while, the children went downstairs for breakfast and so did I. I sat at the table with the children as mother (the woman) and father (her husband) kissed goodbye and he left for work.

She is the image I have in my mind, she is my “chosen mother in the last month or two. When I am scared or distressed and I remember to do it, I call her. She talks to me. I talk to her. She understands me. She asks me questions and when I answer to her, things get clear in my mind. I understand why I feel distressed, what scares me and I get calm. She makes me see I make sense, that I am not crazy and that the sky is not falling down. She restores order in my brain. She tells me she LIKES me and that she will never leave me no matter what. She tells me to call her anytime. Sometimes I forget.

Write me more, if you’d like.

anita

October 22, 2015 at 1:33 pm #85890

Crystal
Participant

Thank you Anita. You seem very lucky to have such a vivid image to help you in times of need. How did you manifest her all those years ago? Was it a tramatic experience that brought you to that home at that time in that situation, or was it through conscious meditation? You say she is your “chosen mother in the last month or two” – do you have multiple figures that play that role depending on your current needs? It sounds so peaceful and harmonious to have someone to look toward during times of stress and crazy. Any suggestions on how to create that for myself?

Thank you Geffrey. If I may ask, was this woman someone who enriched your life but did not pan out long term or was she also a toxic relationship? Did your spiritual team have an opinion on whether she would return to your life or do you think her rekindled appearance is your own mind/ego making? I have been open to the universe in hopes of finding support for what the true answer is. It is a challenge.

Peace & light to you both!

October 22, 2015 at 1:52 pm #85893

Anonymous
Guest

* Dear puteryogi: It was not a traumatic experience that brought me to the home of the woman. She was a teacher in a school and was to hire me as a beginning teacher in the school she was working in. I don’t remember much of the details. I was in her home only that one afternoon through the morning after. I do not remember her in the work place (a job that did not work out for me). I have no memory of her outside her own home. I don’t remember her name or where she lived. The reason why she stayed in my mind all those years, that morning to be specific, is because of the Whispers in the Kitchen. Because when I woke up, I might as well have been her daughter, a child waking up to the whispers of mother and father in the kitchen. Since then I “heard” those whispers-in-the-kitchen through the years. I chose her as my “Chosen Mother” only recently. And it was a gradual process of imagining a woman whose back was to me. Over time she turned around. There is no other Chosen Mother, only her, no one before her or after her. I figured, puteryogi, that just because I did not have a calm mother does not mean I can’t create one in my mind. I figured as humans we are creative and I can use it to heal myself. If I had a good enough, calm mother and she died, what would stay with me would be an IMAGE in my brain. Why not create one. That woman’s image was the only one that fit the role required.

Suggestions: is there an image, a face of a real person that represents for you, that embodies for you the trait or traits you most wish your mother in life did have? You can have a photograph or a drawing of a woman (could be a father if you choose) that you can keep by your bed. Make her your Chosen Mother. If it feels strange the first time, don’t give up, not so fast. When you talk to her or have her talk to you, sink into the experience, relax into it. Don’t view yourself from the outside criticizing what you are doing – or disarm the inner critic if it does that. It is between you and you.

We have an image of our real mother in our brain. If the image causes us as much distress as the real person has caused us, why not create an image that calms us?

anita

October 22, 2015 at 1:57 pm #85896

Anonymous
Inactive

This is my belief and the discussions that I’ve had with friends and also complete strangers that have a PhD in Psychology is that we create destructive relationships with people because of our negative actions. The way we treat others is what you will get back in return. If you want love treat people with love, if you want respect then treat people with respect, if you want the truth then speak the truth, if you tell lies you will get lies, you want peace then make peace. Yogi; If this supposive co-worker was just a co-worker as you labeled, then why are you holding onto such strong feelings of anger & resentment? obviously there was some kind of deep romance if you are having dreams about being with this person again and you wouldn’t publicly post about this co-worker and all your strong feelings if the relationship was just a simple work relationship. Being in a relationship with someone else right now is not only disrespectful to that person but disrespectful to you. Your current relationship in itself isn’t healthy because you still have feelings for this co-worker and are carrying anger & resentment.

You know I was in a deep relationship with someone I met at work for almost 6 years and I can easily call her destructive but I won’t because I’m not trying to BASH her, like she does me. My ex was in the closet, so to her family she has portrayed me that I am some POOR little soul who had nothing better to do with my life but to conjure up some fake ass story that I was in a relationship with her, that I’m delusional and also living in a fantasy world ** Shaking my head** Funny because I’ve been a lesbian all my life, dated normal women and she is the first woman who has claimed to have no romantic relationship with me. So people are easily going to believe me since I am not in the closet and in denial of my sexuality than to believe someone who is. With her ex boyfriend before me she played the VICTIM and now with me she is playing the VICTIM once again. There is an un-healthy pattern here and she seems to not take ANY responsibility for treating me like shit for no reason. Nobody lies about having a romantic relationship with someone, regardless of the degree or how serious it was or wasn’t to that other person, nobody conjures up some story like THAT. There is nothing to be gained unless you are some sort of celebrity. Let’s be real here.

Once people start taking their partial responsibility for their actions, than maybe there will be a light at the end of the tunnel with good karma awaiting. But if you continue to lie in order to hide yourself and your feelings, you will only hurt yourself in the long run. Nothing good comes from denying someone who was a big part of your life romantically, THINK about it… Nothing positive is going to come out of this if you continue to make up fake aliases on this forum, bash someone else’s character because you are angry at someone.

If someone was JUST a co-worker who make up a fantasy/lie about, you wouldn’t even care or display any type of feelings towards that person, you wouldn’t even talk about them or even mention them for that matter. If you really feel this person has made up heinous lies about you or about being with you, then you would have taken legal action or taken it to the police. This person would be quickly dismissed from your mind, your thoughts and conversations. Someone that you have no feelings for is of no relevance and you wouldn’t be posting about this person on any forum. How much more obvious is it?

There’s been a few times people at work have fallen for me and I never reciprocated back, so there was no issues and I sure as hell wasn’t posting about it on here. Why? because I didn’t have ANY kinds of feelings for them. As for my ex, she can continue to fool people, talk bad about me, lie about me, that I am some horrible person who apparently has no life and has nothing better to do with my time but lie about her, a woman who is 8 years older than me that I had a relationship with, yet I told the same woman that I was going to marry her to her face ( because I was once again not in any relationship with her) and was living in a fantasy world. Yet she’s still angry and upset with me because I ended things with her but still continues to put me down and lie about me. And you wonder why I want nothing to do with you?! You don’t treat people you love like shit and you sure as hell don’t lie about them and disregard their feelings. That is not love! Maybe my ex-gf’s luck will change when she starts being honest with herself and finally figures out what a loving relationship truly is.

My crime – I loved a woman who was ashamed of her sexuality and was in hiding for almost 6 years, she lived and still lives a secret life her family has no idea about. I held onto the relationship and tolerated her moving around for 5 years, in hopes that it was going to help her and us in the future. I will always love my ex for the person she was when I knew her but I do not love the woman she became and the woman that she is right now. I had to say goodbye to the woman who I loved very much over a year ago, she no longer exists now. The woman that she is now, is not the ANGELA I fell in love with and had a loving relationship with, that Angela has passed away to me. All I have now are memories of that sweet woman, this other ANGELA doesn’t exist to me, that is not the person that I knew and loved. I hope she continues to stay away from me, stay out of her mind and out of my life. I want no part of that other entity.

October 22, 2015 at 2:03 pm #85898

Geoffrey
Participant

puteryogi,

That’s a great question. I will say that because of her I have learned more about myself than I had with anyone else. So in a sense, yes, she enriched my life. The relationship was also toxic at the same time too as we were both on different pages in terms of our lives and it was a very on again, off again relationship for almost 2 years. In regards to the spiritual team, no, I have never asked them. I guess because how will they know what someone else will do? We all have free will to make our own choices so even if she was meant to come back or never come back, I don’t believe they could truly know what she is going to do. Do I believe we were soulmates, without a doubt, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone else out there too. Sometimes you can have a kindred soul with someone but just not have met at the right time in each other’s lives or where only there for a while to help you grow. It’s difficult because she still hangs out with some of my friends so I hear stories now and then so she hasn’t completely gone from my world. Like I have said before it just gets confusing to find myself meditating and having complete peace and fill fully confident she will be back in my life some day.

October 22, 2015 at 2:19 pm #85899

Anonymous
Guest

* Dear Elle Tinker700:

I can read you are in a lot of pain about what happened with Angela, your ex girlfriend. It doesn’t really have anything to do with puteryogi’s story as reported on this thread. You got triggered by puteryogi’s post, something to do with her coworker and you dressed her post with your story. This means you were very agitated when you posted the above. Very agitated and angry about what happened with and to Angela. I hope you calm down enough and maybe start a new thread about this? If you understand better what happened, once you process it accurately enough, you will be relieved from the great distress and somehow make peace with what happened.

Hope to read a new post by you- or otherwise, I hope you reprocess all this and get to a place of peace with it.

anita

October 22, 2015 at 2:55 pm #85903

Anonymous
Inactive

I’m definitely not angry and Yogi’s story is very similar to mine and what happened to me with a co-worker I dated. I will say that I was angry over a year ago about what happened. I believe what I wrote will help people think about their actions and remember that it takes two people for a relationship to go wrong, not just 1 person. I’m not going to start a new post in regards to Angela because she will just come on here, use it against me and say that I am delusional. There is nothing worse in life than for someone who continues to deny that had no relationship with you and yet this person is upset as to why I ended it with her. Once again, Angela and I were co-workers so Yogi’s story is almost identical to mine because all of the words that were used, are the same exact words my ex has used with mutual co-workers of ours and her family.

October 23, 2015 at 12:22 am #85927

Lynne
Participant

Omg..lve just realised my whole life has been about me attaching myself to people…friends, boyfriends….l cling onto them so tightly and am bereft when they leave me….l so want to be happy on my own….but lm afraid and l dont know what lm afraid of…

October 23, 2015 at 12:52 am #85928

Lynne
Participant

Me again….l believe we all have a connection to source, our inner being, but it gets stretched, forgotten and l have tried to connect/attach myself to another human being so l can feel that source connection again…..but it doesnt work because its not sustainable….humans leave…..how do l connect to source? And never feel alone again ever??
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