Hello Lea, my name is Leah!

First of all I want to say this: you are not alone. Everything you described is very familiar to me. I also notice that it fluctuates a little – sometimes I’m more bothered by the presence of people, sometimes I’m a bit more welcoming. I also have some form of generalized anxiety or social anxiety disorder. And I also relate to this being more around men than women.

I can only speak from my own experience, but encourage you to read and look into yourself and see if maybe our similarities can give you some information about your truth.

I used to think that I’m a lone wolf type of person. Always knew how to occupy myself, have my own world, my hobbies, interests, and I didn’t need other people to feel whole. I also used to see myself as a “late bloomer” when it came to relationships (I’m a heterosexual woman), and I’ve never had a long term relationship, and have never had sexual experiences. At some point I realized that it’s not that I didn’t want to have a relationship with a man, but that my FEAR of them stopped me from pursuing one. I’m happy to say since realizing it, I’ve worked on it and had a wonderful first relationship. (which very recently ended, and I’m heartbroken, but we’ll put that aside for now)

I think it really comes down to your trust in people. I found that I have very little trust, and it’s a subconscious thing, it’s also the source of my anxiety. I feel unsafe in social settings, feeling like I could only count on myself if something happened, and of course – someone can do something to me. Either I need help and no one will help me, or someone will directly cause me harm. When it comes to men this feeling triples itself, because men can hurt me in more ways than women can. We live in a world where we hear so much about rape, about women’s rights being revoked (not to get too political, but what’s happening in the US right now is horrendous imo) and it’s no wonder that more women are scared of men nowadays. I can’t say if it’s for a good reason or not. But I think it all comes down to trust and feeling safe – if you don’t feel this way, you will be uncomfortable, anxious, scared, avoidant… This of course also makes you fearful or avoidant of physical touch. Have you tried, when feeling anxious, to ask a friend for a hug? I think the biggest challenge here is to trust and to feel like you can be yourself, secure, and comfortable around people.

There isn’t a clear solution that I can think of. But being aware of this helps. You can ask yourself questions and reassure yourself, for example, if you go to a social event and you feel uncomfortable, maybe think of 1 person there who is your friend, and you know she/he will have your back. You can even share with them ahead of time how you feel. Sometimes it helps to think of the worst case scenario, and realize that you are capable of handling it if it comes. Remember that everyone is occupied with themselves, everyone fears judgement and wants love and acceptance. They aren’t gonna hurt you. Maybe they could even be your friends.

These are just my 2 cents, I hope it helps.