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Uncertainty about a friend

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  • November 6, 2013 at 6:44 pm #44938
    Anei
    Participant

    Hey there,

    This is my first post, so I’m excited about that. I felt drawn to make a post on Tiny Buddha for two reasons: first, because I have been reading blog posts on Tiny Buddha for the past few months, and the past couple weeks I’ve read 3-4 articles almost every single night, and it has completely shifted my viewpoint on my life – second, because I’ve felt conflicted about a particular love-interest for going on a few weeks (inspirational, positive blog posts do help though), and I don’t feel like my feelings for this person are going to be resolved just yet and I’m uncertain how to resolve them.

    My story is this (and by the way, I don’t mean to post any drama here! But I do need to place a little back story so that other members can understand and maybe write something applicable in return) I am interested in a semi-acquaintance, semi-friend, that I have known for over 7 years, but loosely. We’ve kept connected through Facebook and other similar technological vehicles. We have a lot of differences, but we also have a lot in common and I think that that is what has kept us connected all these years. For instance, passions for both of us are music, poetry, art and snowboarding.

    We’ve sort of been in and out of each others’ lives but mostly just kind of loosely acquainted, but I have always been very attracted to him in a romantic sense. It wasn’t until the last couple weeks that for the first time in maybe 5 or so years we’ve seen each other face to face again. I still felt quite attracted to him. I have never gotten the sense in the past that he’s been attracted to me in the same way though. However now that we are older, I am wondering if maybe something could change. We’ve hung out twice in the past couple of weeks and I’m not sure we will again because of our schedules – and I might move in 2 months. He’s mostly treated me as a friend, like he would any other friend. He’s a very kind, sweet and funny guy so when he acts in these ways, it usually comes across as he’s just being natural. He is four or five years older than I am, and he works all of the time, so I’m not sure he has time for a relationship right now anyway.

    But we get along so well and I always feel like I can be myself -like I can let go and breathe- when I’m around him. I feel very at ease around him, which is something I don’t feel with everyone. I’m also very physically attracted to him. I can foresee a healthy relationship here, but I’m not sure he sees the same thing. He hasn’t shown signs of that yet and I don’t feel like we’ve been hanging out for long enough for me to ask him directly.

    My issue then, is not “What do I do about this person?” Not at all. My issue is what do I do about my feelings? I tend to hold onto a person (in my heart) long after they’ve already admitted they don’t like me in the same way, or after several weeks of uncertainty and then parting ways. Is it natural to want to hold a space for a person, even if in the physical world, they can’t show up in that way? And leave quickly? Maybe I fall in love too easily. I do fill my life with other people and things as well so I don’t think he’s filling a void I have in myself. Will it hurt or be worth it if I risk losing this person’s friendship by admitting my feelings?

    So far, breathing, letting go, running and doing lots of yoga has helped me sort of just be, and be in the moment, in regards to my feelings with this person. But when I continue to just be and then nothing happens -for days or weeks I won’t get a message from him or we won’t see each other- I start to feel as though I am actually being untrue to myself and not acknowledging my desires when I ignore them by telling myself to breathe and let go. That’s when I think I should go ahead and take action, but every time I try it seems like something stalls it, and then I feel frustrated. I’ve been quite patient with this already, and I’ve done lots of yoga. If I let these feelings go and move on, I think I will feel bitter because of the dozens of times this has happened to me before with the same person, as well as several other people I’ve been interested in in the past.

    What do you do with a disgruntled heart? Why do I keep ending up having feelings for people and pursuing people and relationships that aren’t available? I think that I am completely in the dark about how to get what I want. Totally lost.

    Any kind-hearted insights would be most welcome!
    & thanks for taking the time to read this post.

    Anei

    November 6, 2013 at 10:29 pm #44941
    Hee
    Participant

    Hello Anei,

    Congrats on your first post! You seem like a very good hearted person, and you do care about this friend of yours. I think everything is just situation in life. Sometimes I see that situations direct what happens. If you happen to be at the right moment with this semi-acquantice at the right time, with the right motives, and the right environment your expression of feelings may come to him naturally. It’s usually trying to force things to happen leads to many stressful events and getting your feelings expressed in ways you didn’t want to have it expressed in my experience. I see that you have 2 months stay before you leave, and he’s working all the time which means timing may not be all too perfect, but it’s kind of like that for most people. Get your feelings expressed to him naturally and there’s nothing you need to worry about! Your heart is strong… with time, I’m sure the right situation would be presented to you and your feelings would be expressed in the way you want to have it expressed. Be sincere about your feelings, so you can receive that sincere feeling back to you.

    Namaste…

    🙂

    November 7, 2013 at 4:46 am #44945
    Karin
    Participant

    Hi Anei,

    When you open your heart for love, you also open it for pain. But when your heart is open, when you risk that pain, lovely things can happen. Scary though.
    I guess there are 2 things you can do:

    1 – nothing, you keep it as it is. He is your friend, you have your feelings and you don’t say anything about them. The plus-side is: you can keep hoping that something might happen, that he falls in love with you also. And your heart is relatively safe. If you decide to do nothing, your feelings won’t magically disappear, but you can choose to leave them as they are. Maybe you can even enjoy the excitement. You probably feel these things in your body somewhere – when you notice it’s there, just say (in your head) ‘i feel this and that and that’s ok.’ You’re not ignoring your feelings, you’re just letting them be.

    2 – you boldly confess your feelings for him. The worst that can happen is that he doesn’t share your feelings. Your hope will be shattered and your heart may be broken. It’s risky business, but it would also mean being able to move on with your life and focusing your attention on other things. I can’t imagine a real friend would turn his back on you in this case to be honest, all though it may be a little uncomfortable for a while – I guess that’s also partly how you yourself deal with what happens.
    Of course there is also that lovely chance that he feels the same way about you… and since you seem like such a kind, aware person that is not at all unlikely! I think that if you decide to take this road that, before you actually tell him, it’s good to focus on a positive outcome – don’t let fear rule your thoughts. You’re inner strength will be there to catch you if you should fall.

    I guess what you have to decide is whether this is worth risking a broken heart over. Whether you just want to keep the hope alive, or move forward in your life. Maybe you should just ask your heart. Sounds silly, but that’s what i sometimes do. I’ll just say: heart, what would you do? Funny how I often get an answer that surprises me.

    I wish you lots of strength and love, Anei 🙂

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