Home→Forums→Relationships→Uncertainty
- This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by
Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
April 21, 2017 at 11:53 am #146215
breakfastatParticipantI realize any problem I have in my life resides within me and equally the power is within me to figure it out. Which is why I find this site at this point in my life so helpful.
The question I find myself pondering today…How do I know?
How do I know …I’m in the right place right now in my life?
How do I know… I’m in the right relationship?
How do I know…I’ve made the right decision?
So tell me forum community…how do you know the answers to these questions? Can you offer any practical advice?
Me in a nutshell…. I love running, I love painting and I love my circle of family and friends. I currently describe myself as a masterpiece in progress… Fear controls me more than I’d like, I acknowledge my low self esteem, I am married to an addict, we have difficulty communicating and I have codependent tendencies most definitely. Thanks in advance for reading. 🙂
April 21, 2017 at 12:38 pm #146225
CraigParticipantWow Breakfastat, with this, it looks like you’re on your way!! —- “I realize any problem I have in my life resides within me and equally the power is within me to figure it out.”
May I toss you one idea? To think about what it means to you to “know” something?
The word “know” comes across as a close relative of “right” (and “wrong”) and it might be a kind of thinking that locks you down instead of frees you up.
Just my two cents.
April 21, 2017 at 6:58 pm #146253
AnonymousGuestDear breakfastat:
You asked (not in order):
1. How do I know… I’m in the right relationship? My answer: you know you are in the right relationship (with anyone, family member, friend, neighbor) when it is a Win-Win relationship, a relationship where no aggression is used against the other, where EAR is practiced (Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect).
You shared: “I am married to an addict, we have difficulty communicating and I have codependent tendencies most definitely.”- depending on more details, in general, addict/co-dependent is not a promising combination.
2. How do I know…I’ve made the right decision? My answer: when you make the decision when calm, not when angry or anxious; when you gather all relevant information together, examine it, consider it before making the decision. Life may not turn out well following the right decision because there are too many random factors we cannot control, but you can be okay with the decision you made if at the time you made it, you took into consideration all the information available. And you made it calmly, over time.
3. How do I know …I’m in the right place right now in my life? My answer: if the place you are in is not abusive, if you are treated there respectfully, always, if there is no aggression there; if you are often enough calm there, safe, then it is the right place for you.
anita
April 22, 2017 at 11:23 am #146297
Maribeth KuglenParticipantDear Breakfastat,
My suggestion to you is that you consider attending Al Anon meetings. I, to0, live with addiction in my world and have codependency issues I need to work on. I’ve been going to Al Anon for about 4 months now. It has helped me tremendously to answer questions like the ones you’re posing. How do you know you’re on the right path? Sometimes you don’t, but day by day I’m learning to trust my gut and follow my intuition. As I’m doing that I sense I’m moving in the right direction and there’s a certain peace in my spirit. Go inside, meditate and pray. Find others whose experiences are similar to yours to help you gain perspective. Then, learn to trust yourself, and the Spirit who is guiding you.
PerfectlyImperfect
April 22, 2017 at 8:48 pm #146321AnonymousGuestDear breakfastat:
I realized I didn’t answer the first question: “How do I know?”
Funny, I answer like I have all the answers…
How do I know anything? By unknowing all that I knew before, or at least challenging what I have known. A lot of what I knew was not true. Things my mother taught me, for one. I had to un-know, or unlearn the conclusions I further made based on what she taught me. Only then was I able to learn and know what is true and real.
You wrote: “I realize any problem I have in my life resides within me “- any problem you have is one you perceive within your brain, of course, but lots of problems reside outside of you, not so? For example your husband’s addiction, that resides outside of you, isn’t it? A stock market collapse or a natural disaster, that too, resides outside of you, not so?
I wish you posted again.
anita
April 24, 2017 at 1:30 pm #146545breakfastatParticipantThanks Craig, Maribeth and Anita for your replies.
Craig – I pondered your response for awhile. I think I get it… let go of needing to ‘know’, get inside and the answers will come. Thanks for that.
Maribeth – Thank you for your suggestion to attend Al anon. I did attend a couple of meetings. Felt it out. Felt that discomfort initially, questioning if I belong etc. And then saw a therapist to another therapist to it eventually ending. To now not really having any support and feeling a need for it. You mentioned meditation and I’ve been on this brink of initiating my commitment to try meditating now for sometime. I feel like I’m delaying thru research and reading books on it and googling and pod casts etc But not actually getting in there and getting dirty so to speak. SO big SIGH I will get dirty. Thanks xo
Anita – You mention aggression a couple of times and I’m thinking on that. I’m also thinking about your reference to EAR. the Assertiveness part in particular. Thank you for the suggestion about ‘unlearning’ and ‘unknowing’ that has been a pretty big revelation for me recently. Sometimes I feel so childlike in this adult body, you know to have a moment of … well gosh I just don’t know, or I’ve had it all wrong this whole time, or ‘has everyone else known this all along?’ and it makes me feel so vulnerable and a little down on myself…like ‘am I a slow learner or something?”
April 24, 2017 at 7:36 pm #146591AnonymousGuestDear breakfstat:
You are welcome. Your reply is gracious and attentive to all who wrote you.
Regarding “has anyone else known this all along?” and “am I a slow learner..?”-
we don’t see what is inconvenient for us to see. If we need a person to love us, be it a parent or a husband, we will focus on the loving moments and do our best to ignore the unloving wide gaps in between those moments. It is not a matter of being a slow learner, I think. It is a matter of not wanting to experience the distress involved in learning the truth, in seeing reality.
A person looking at your life may see what you don’t want to see, but then, if you look at his/ her life, you will see what they don’t want to see.
Does that make sense to you?
anita
April 25, 2017 at 7:24 am #146649
VJParticipant“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”
― Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
-
This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by
VJ.
April 25, 2017 at 12:49 pm #146707breakfastatParticipantThat does make sense. Thanks Anita. I do have those moments and glimpses of reality. Which mostly I’ve been good at denying.
VJ – that quote seems perfectly fitting. I’ll pick up the book. Been meaning to read it.
I’ve been reading about codependency today and the following line struck me…
‘one key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs’ my initial reaction was denial and ‘extreme’? what constitutes extreme? until I had an OMG moment. … I’ve been totally ‘oh woe is me’ and have been stuck in this perpetual loop of ‘I can’t bring myself to start a family’ in this relationship YET I continue to stay in this relationship as is, not to try and fix it (or claim I don’t know how or its too hard) nor do I leave. This is another kick myself in the butt to get moving on working on me moment. I feel frustrated because I’ve been here before. Try TRY again.
April 25, 2017 at 8:28 pm #146729AnonymousGuestDear breakfastat:
You mentioned “being stuck in this perpetual loop” in your relationship. When you read that line about a codependent making extreme sacrifices to satisfy the other’s needs, your OMG moment was that your extreme sacrifice is … not starting a family? I don’t think I understand the nature of your realization (and I would like to understand).
And “Try TRY again”- are you referring to “working on me moment”?
I wonder what is your goal in the marriage: to fix it? End it?
anita
April 28, 2017 at 6:59 am #147101breakfastatParticipantHi Anita
Thanks for your reply.
What I related to in the statement ‘one key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs’ … I saw that ‘typical codependent martyr like attitude’ in myself by putting my needs on hold (sacrificing my needs) and putting his needs ahead of my own in a sense – by not necessarily staying because it is my choice fully but putting that power in his hands because he needs me to stay and therefore I will but I’m not right and I’m not whole and I can’t bring myself to start a family in this circumstance but I must put my needs on hold, his needs are more important than my own.
Which is what I can now see is clearly faulty. Changing that pattern is the hard part.
And yes when I say try try again…I do mean that I feel as though i’ m in this perpetual loop of realization to fear to comfort to discomfort to realization to fear back to comfort…and so on.
Thanks for listening.
April 28, 2017 at 7:08 am #147103AnonymousGuestDear breakfastat:
You are welcome. My understanding then is that you stay in this relationship, where your needs are on hold, because you are somewhat comfortable in your life as it is right now. Changing your life by ending this relationship scares you.
In your original post you wrote: “I love running, I love painting and I love my circle of family and friends.”- there are some positive aspects to your life and you find comfort in those.
And then you wrote: “Fear controls me more than I’d like”-
You asked questions, in the original post: how do I know this and that. My answer at this point is that you know the things you want to know if you look into your fear, into what you are afraid of. This is not an easy task and may need to be done in the context of competent psychotherapy. If you feel comfortable to answer my question here, please do: what is your fear about?
anita
-
This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 