Hello everyone!

I would like to get some perspective on the situation that I’m going through now, any comments would be greatly appreciated!

My wonderful boyfriend and I split up on Sunday. It was a shock to me when he announced that he had never fallen in love with me and probably wouldn’t because previously he has fallen in love strongly and quickly. He thought a clear cut would be better. Until that day everything had been seemingly perfect with us, we were both happy in the relationship, we always had a good time together and spent a lot of time together. But he had realized that he wasn’t in love the previous night, it was like a complete realization to him, and although it came so quickly and was a shock I know he made the right decision and only wanted to protect me from further pain.

I THOUGHT that I loved him, that was my immediate reaction I gave him when he confessed. I felt heartbroken and was crying and in a lot of pain. But after two days of doing just that and feeling like my life was over, I realized in the middle of the night that I didn’t love him either! I felt like my eyes were opened! I think that because the break up came so quickly I didn’t even consider not loving him, after all he really is so perfect and he did mean so much to me.

Now throughout the relationship I can now see that I had had a nagging feeling like something was missing sometimes before going to bed, but I had completely denied these feelings. The reason for that is that this guy was PERFECT in almost every way. He was and is exactly what I have been looking for in a man. Kind, considerate, un-selfish, giving, affectionate, handsome, sporty, with a good job, many friends and a lovely apartment. From the start he was my dream come true. And I think that his perfection was clouding my ability to admit to myself that there was something missing, which was the feeling of love, emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Looking back on it now, I feel like I was trying so hard to be his equal, to be perfect for him, that I never really exposed the full me. Our relationship was seemingly perfect, we never argued, have similar values and a sense of humor etc, but the relationship very much stayed on the superficial level. We never talked about “us”, our actions just did the talking. He is not the guy to talk about his emotions, whereas I am, and I felt like I wanted to talk about these things but for fear of putting him in an uncomfortable situation I never brought it up. I never felt quite good enough for him on some level, maybe because I put him on such a pedestal.

We have had discussions about us only after the break up. He has admitted that the reason he never fell in love is probably because he was still comparing me to his ex-girlfriend who very much hurt him in the end, because she had fallen out of love and he hadn’t. From my side, on top of wanting to be perfect and not showing my fragility and true self, I also have a previous traumatic experience with my ex-boyfriend (complete opposite of this wonderful man I met after him) who used and manipulated and cheated on me. What pains me in all of this (although I accept the fact that it’s over now), is that despite my own insecurities, we still see each other as good for each other. Like we would really want to be together but there’s just not the kind of feeling that we’re looking for, which is really frustrating because for me this guy is still everything that I have ever wanted, despite not being completely in love.

After all this I’ve come to the realization that I have never been in love. I have been hurt previously, but I can now see that the hurt didn’t come from losing someone I loved, but from being cheated on, being treated badly, I was hurt on a very personal level that shook my self-worth. I have always had problems with my self-confidence, there’s always been a part of me that thinks that I am not good enough. And I always thought that my previous toxic relationship exemplified that. At the moment I met my latest boyfriend, I was in a great state, I thought I had gained a lot of self-confidence after healing from the previous relationship. I felt completely happy on my own and wasn’t looking for a relationship. And I think that’s why I attracted this wonderful perfect man to me.

And so now I wonder, what went wrong? I had everything I had ever asked for and it didn’t work out in the end because we were unable to have strong feelings for each other. I wanted to make it work so bad with him, and I am still dumbfounded it didn’t work, when we were so happy and seemed to suit each other so perfectly. Did the feelings never arise because I still have some self-confidence issues that I need to work on? Do you have any suggestions on how I could go about doing just that? I feel directionless because I thought I had already managed to overcome these feelings… I want to fall in love and be loved in return and I feel like there is something holding me back! Any suggestions on what that might be?

Thank you so much in advance 🙂