Hi E.

I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing some pain right now. Your words display some hope. I would like to draw your attention to a few snippets of what you wrote:

“It’s been almost twenty days since he broke up with me and his words still haunt me”

Try giving time a chance. What will another 20 days passing look like? Things never stay constant. They soon change, shift and morph. Get curious about what this could take shape as. Maybe another 20 days may give you some of the answers you want. Be patient, however difficult.

“Just when it seems like I’m getting through processing my emotions I relapse.”

What does relapse look like to you? Relapse into what? You are clearly in a difficult state right now, maybe the other side of relapse Is wonderful? Can you summon the strength to go find out? Processing can be an organic thing. Don’t force it. Let the process take it’s course. It’s OK.

“I’ve tried keeping myself busy but its hard.”

If trying to keep busy is hard, then stop. Don’t fight it. What’s easier instead? Doing nothing? Mostly we keep busy to avoid something, usually our feelings. Stand tall and face your feelings. Feel them. Be at one with them. It may give you some understanding and movement.

“I guess I’m still bothered by the unanswered questions”

What if your questions remain unanswered? Can you let them go? Write down those questions that bother you – then burn them. After that, write down some new questions that look into what your possibilities are now. What would your life be like if the unanswered questions were all good?

It sounds like you are in a state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of whats on the other side of relapse, fear of stopping still and fear of whats next.

I would like to offer you this; it’s going to be OK. You will get through this. I really understand how you feel and empathize with what you are going through. For now, close the doors on your past and future. Stay with whats present. Feel whats here now. Focus on you and every moment you are in. Figure out nothing and experience everything.

I can’t tell you what to do. Only you, and you only, can decide that. You will make choices that heal you and move you forward eventually. It’s naturally what we do as human beings. It’s inbuilt.

If you’d like get on touch, I’d be happy to offer you some support.

Be well.

With much love and warmth,

Matt x

Well said John! E, as a rephrasing of John’s insightful words, consider that the lesson of the mind maze is not to find a way through, rather we learn to let go of the maze. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

E,

I really like your question “is it part of our nature”! The answer is both yes and no.

The first step in understanding the reason its yes and no is to realize that there is a real gravity to our addictions. Said differently, in your mind, the ideas around “boyfriend” and “romantic fulfillment” and “what happened” actually suck you into them. There are components to the gravity, but seeing it is necessary. Being free requires effort, and flying is about breaking gravity. We have to realize that our brain runs away, and even convinces us we’re doing good work in following the gravity. Here we see the answer yes, it is part of our nature. Our life is rich with suffering, which is the first noble truth Buddha taught.

However, he also discovered that the gravity is impermanent, that it is only ignorance which sustains the habit. When we begin to relate to and feel the gravity directly, we can begin to let it go. John gave those keys already, in rightly suggesting you sit and feel the energy in your body right now. And right now. And right now. The gravity erodes as we stop thinking “it is unavoidable” and recognize that “it is subject to ceasing”. Said differently, if you stop believing that the man is the cause of the gravity, and recognize that your habit IS the gravity, it becomes a simple (but difficult) matter of moving your mind away from the object of your obsession and back into your body. Not “boyfriend->breakup->what did I do->how could he->etc etc”. Instead, “boyfriend->breakup->wait, here is the cycle->what was the teaching?->oh yes, breathe and feel the energy in the body”. Then the mind detaches from the cycle and erodes the gravity.

With practice, the habit erodes. So here the answer is no, suffering is not part of our nature inherently. It is just sustained through our ignorance of the cycle. This is part of our nature. Buddha said that we have a fundamental ignorance, that we are born without the skill to use our mind instead of being used by it. The seed of knowing is also part of our nature. Namaste is “the Buddha in this body bows to the Buddha in that body”. Said differently, “because we know all have the ability to awaken, my awake parts call to your awake parts and together, we grow”.

Namaste, E!

With warmth,
Matt