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Trying too practice acceptance right now (wouldnt mind some womens advice)

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  • October 18, 2018 at 11:12 am #231723
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Justin:

    Congratulations for being successful at the drug treatment. You wrote that you live in a new city and “don’t really have anybody to talk to or turn to”.

    Social support is very important to everyone, especially for a person having had a very difficult childhood and a drug addiction, being newly abstinent. Do you have such social support in the “clean and sober house” where you live? Or in any support group you attend?

    She broke up with you one month ago. Does she live in the same new city where you live and how often/ how have you contacted her after the break up/ what was her response?

    anita

    October 18, 2018 at 10:54 pm #231811
    Justin
    Participant

    Thank you for the reply ! Yeah i understand that. Ive been sober since December and have lived in this New city since January. In the clean and sober house. And no she doesnt live in this city. She lives about 45 minutes away. I don’t go to meeting anymore honestly, and I do have social support in the house but also everybody kind of does there own thing. She says she’s still in love with me, and will always love me. She would always reply too messages and answer my calls. Honestly, sends alot of mixed signals. Ive realized that me trying too talk too her all day everyday wont make anything better and will surely just make me look desperate. So this is day 2 of not reaching out too her . I’m hoping either it will let me heal, or let her realize people do change and grow up .

    But yes, socialization is a big thing that I need, I guess I have problems opening up too people

    October 19, 2018 at 6:32 am #231861
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Justin:

    You are welcome. You’ve been sober since December 2017, lived in the sober house since January 2018. She broke up with you a month ago, that is September this year. She broke up with you because you treated her badly. “I was just an angry sad person”.

    This means that she didn’t break up with you because of your drinking but because you treated her badly while being sober.

    This is my suggestion: she needs to see that you manage your anger well, that you are in reasonable control of your behavior. Not contacting her frequently is one way that she can see that you are in control. She needs to see that although you need her, you can manage to not call her.

    If you told her later: I didn’t call you because I didn’t need to- that wouldn’t show her that you can control your behavior. But if she knows that you needed to call her and you didn’t, that will be evidence of your self control.

    If you resume communicating and you do feel anger (and you will), she needs to see that you are indeed angry and that you behave differently when angry than you did before.

    If you pretend to never feel angry again- even if it was possible- that wouldn’t show her that you can control your behavior. But if she sees that you are angry and in control, that will be the evidence that she needs.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

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