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Trying to Move on but not moving on

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • January 2, 2018 at 8:52 am #184715
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lutie:

    I was wondering how he knew that your mother didn’t like him: did you tell him and did you elaborate to him on why she might not like him?

    You wrote at one point that you got angry at him and said mean things to him. Did he say mean things to you at times when he was angry?

    anita

    January 2, 2018 at 1:22 pm #184733
    Lutie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for replying. I was the one who told him that my mom didn’t like him and I tried to explain why but she didn’t like him based on his picture, maybe I shouldn’t have told him.

    He was always patient with me and rarely said mean things to me. I always felt bad after saying them to him.

    Lutie

     

     

    January 3, 2018 at 6:57 am #184845
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lutie:

    You are welcome, and I agree: you shouldn’t have told him that your mother didn’t like him based on his looks, that was mean of you.

    Too bad that your mother likes or dislikes a person not based on their behavior, but their physical appearance.

    You wrote that your ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend is the opposite of you: petite and younger, based on a Facebook photo. Maybe she is the opposite of you in ways that matter more than the physical appearance in a photo- maybe she behaves kindly to him.

    I suggest you learn from this relationship: for one, do not show your mother a photo of your next boyfriend. What a mother thinks is very important to a daughter, so it is unfortunate that your mother will be influencing your new relationship based on her personal preference of physical appearance. And then, tell her, if and when she meets him, to not share her commentary with you regarding the man’s looks.

    And then, treat the man kindly. When angry, do not say mean things to him, do not mistreat him that way or in any other way.

    I was wondering, does your mother say mean things to you when she is angry?

    anita

    January 3, 2018 at 5:50 pm #184937
    Lutie
    Participant

    I didn’t know how to cope with the hurt (since it was my first relationship) I lashed out on him which was not right. During the relationship I was kinder and more understanding and we rarely fought (he even said you were more understanding, what happened). Probably the new girl treat him kindly compared to me.

    I grew up in a single parent household, my mother opinion would matter the most to me which she was not always right.

    My mother does say mean things when she gets angry. When I was trying to cope with the breakup (writing my emotions down whole crying) she raised her voice at me and said, do you want to marry this guy and this is how you treat your mother because of one guy (I asked her to give me some space but she wanted me to sleep) so I got raised my voice to her to leave me alone ( I rarely get angry).

    I regret till today to have showed her my ex’s picture (he wanted to know if my mom liked him) and told him about my mother’s comment, it was very insensitive of me. I texted my ex yesterday apologizing about my behavior and I decided to control myself by not logging into facebook or messenger (I would stop bugging him).

     

    January 3, 2018 at 9:27 pm #184947
    Tash
    Participant

    I think now that you’ve apologised to him you need to leave him be. He has a new girlfriend. If you want any chance of a future with him you need to not contact him for at least 30 days and in that time work on yourself. Go to the gym, catch up with friends and focus on how to be a better person. You’ve come across as needy and angry which are both major boner killers. Stop contacting him and it will make him wonder where you’ve gone. I’m going through a breakup at the moment and they suck but the only thing that has helped me is to take the high road and work on myself. All the best.

    January 4, 2018 at 6:55 am #184995
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lutie:

    It was wrong to mistreat him and it is wrong of your mother to mistreat you: saying mean things to you when she is angry is mistreating you. When it is your own mother who mistreats you, who hurts you, it does hurt very much.

    When she told you: “do you want to marry this guy and this is how you treat your mother because of one guy”, what do you think she meant?

    Reads to me that she felt she was in competition with the guy, that she was jealous of your attention and need of him, that she wants to be … the only important person in your life.

    That would explain why she told you she disliked they guy just by looking at his picture. She wants to be the only one in your life… could it be?

    anita

    January 4, 2018 at 10:34 pm #185139
    Lutie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Now I know its wrong to mistreat him and I have no right to do so.

    My mom had  suffered through her last marriage, my father did not provided any financial nor emotional support to the family and he was an abusive person. After the divorce, she diverted her attention to raising the five of us. My mom tends to be overbearing at times eventhough we are all adults now (she did not want us to end up on the wrong path or marrying the wrong partner). It is possible that she might feel threaten by the thought of me leaving her behind (none of us are married yet and we stay at home).

     

    January 4, 2018 at 10:45 pm #185141
    Lutie
    Participant

    Hi Tash,

    Thank you for commenting. I don’t think I have a chance with him anymore since we are countries apart from each other, after how I treated him I don’t think I will bring myself to do so aswell.

    You are right, I should learn how to be a better person, I wanna learn more about myself before going into another relationship since I have always been dependent on others for my happiness (after the breakup I realise the problems that I had so I started writing a journal). Recently, I have started working out like you mentioned, it really helped divert my attention from him.

    * I always thought breakups was easy till I experience it myself

    January 5, 2018 at 4:13 am #185163
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lutie:

    You and  your four siblings are all adults, singles and living with your mother.

    When your mother expressed to you and to your siblings that she doesn’t want  you to “end up on  the wrong path”- she included paths away from her  as  wrong?

    If so, “moving on”, the  title of your thread, moving on in life, may necessitate moving out.

    anita

    January 5, 2018 at 7:08 pm #185303
    Lutie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    She does sometimes imply that paths away from her as wrong, the path chosen or suggested are always right (which may not be the case).

    Thank you for your patience and advice. I think I need to rethink about my life and take control since I have only listened to her all my life.

    Lutie

    January 6, 2018 at 7:56 am #185343
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lutie:

    There is no one more important to a girl than her mother, no one more influential, more powerful, to a girl. When the girl grows up to be a woman, it is a good thing to be able, when one is able, to evaluate the mother’s words of all those years, her ways, to see if following her words and ways worked for you, or against you so far.

    And then, thoughtfully choose your own ways, your own life.

    anita

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