Hi Anita,

Yes, growing up my father had the loudest bark.  He would call my mother names, push us to side with him, and even drove by the guys house my mother was cheating on him with.  It only happened one time but the night we drove by his house they happened to pulling out the driveway. With my brother and myself in the car, my father followed them for a couple of miles. I can’t recall but I’m sure he was speaking poorly of my mom the entire time.  He always placed himself on a pedestal.  He was on drugs, denied it, and would act irrationally. If he could convince my siblings and eye the sky was purple he would.

I would be happy for your to look into my childhood with me and draw connections.

In my Aug 20, 2018 post, that was a typo. I do want a man who is fully into me.  When I threw the rocks at the car I indeed acted out of anger and definitely wanted my mother to stop. She didn’t though, she would bring the guy around and be all smiles like it was okay.  Again, she never once addressed the issues at hand. The guy she was seeing was in and out of jail. So, anytime I spent with my mom I knew not to get to close to her because she was going to leave. This is what I would tell myself.  I recall one night, she told my younger brother and I that we were going to spend the evening with her. We went to my aunts house and we couldn’t have been there more than 5-10 minutes and she left us there. I think I ran to the door and cried hysterically the whole night. I kept saying something like she said we were going to stay with her. Another time I remember her lying and saying she was going to a store, meanwhile we just drove past the store in question and it was closing.  I was too young to speak up but those kind of things ate at me. Years later she got pregnant with my second youngest brother and that was big secret too.

It is quite possible though that I am still stuck in my childhood. I experienced things like this that I don’t think I healed from fully.  I think because this issues were never addressed and kicked under the rug.  When I was child my mom would always tell me she would drop my lunch off at school. Every time she would do this I would go to the office looking for my lunch and like clock-work no lunch. I would call her at work and very nonchalantly she would say I forgot it. I would go through the entire day sometimes with nothing to eat. I would be so upset when I seen her.  On one occasion, we went through a drive through and I remember just crying because I was so hurt and upset. I mean I was always the kid with no lunch. When I started to cry she hit me on my leg, to quiet me from crying. When she didn’t bring my lunch my choices were to ask another kid to share, go to the nurse and say I was feeling well to get food, or just go through the day without eating.  She didn’t this so many times. She would tell she would pick me up after school or be home at a certain time and more times then not she wouldn’t show up.  I really believe this may have lead me to experience anxiety at such a young age.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Lovejonesss.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Lovejonesss.

Thank you Anita!

While I await your reply some other instances come to mind from my childhood.  So as I mentioned, my mother would promise me that she would bring my lunch to school and rarely did she ever. This left me feeling embarassed and feeling left out.  While all of my classmates were eating and enjoying their lunches, I sat off pretending to be okay when I wasn’t. This behavior of pretending to be okay seemed to follow me, this would happen when my mother didn’t show up or didn’t give me money to buy lunch or other things she may have neglected to do.  As I’m writing this I’m realizing that I keep stating my mother and for some reason naturally leaving my father out like I wasn’t his responsibility.  I suppose because my father had this way about him, for the most part when he said he was going to do something he did. So, if he said he was bringing lunch or dropping off money he would do those things. This was not an area he seemed to lack in. Although, both of my parents lacked being nurturing, my mom just seemed to display it more like one time she was just getting home from work and I ran up to her excited to see her.  The first thing she says is “don’t touch me.” Needless to say, to this I’m in my mid thirties and hugging my mother or even my father doesn’t bring me any comfort. I feel uncomfortable doing it or even saying I love you.

I was a child that wasn’t praised or rewarded.  I don’t remember this happening at all if so very little.  I recall another time when I think I received my end of the year report card, I may have been in about second grade. I was rejoicing about the fact that I didn’t get left back and my mother said something like “You have gotten anywhere to be left back.” How I interpreted this and what I felt she was implying was I shouldn’t be bragging because I was only in second grade and the work that was doing was not difficult, so there’s no need to be happy.  I remember feeling knocked down.

I don’t remember my mother having any talks with me. Talks about how I was doing or feeling. If I had homework.  The same goes for my father.  Though this may be personal, the only talk I remember her having was when she wanted to tell me about when it was time to get my menstrual cycle. She came in my room like something was wrong or just like very secretive, it just made me uncomfortable. I started crying.  When I did start my cycle, I didn’t go to her or anyone. She found out but I didn’t share this with her.

I will stop here for now.

Dear Anita,

Indeed I need to heal from the relationship with my mother. While going through all of this with this guy, it has made me look and want to explore deeper. Again, I’ve experienced emotions like this before but with him it seems to be deeper. This experience has brought up unhealed and unmet emotions to the surface.  I am still very bitter with my mother, I think of the things she did and said often.  To clarify he was married for about five years and divorce for about 3 years, with his ex a total of 10 years.

“Why do you do these things? Why do you hug a woman who hurt you so badly, who rejected you, who  broke her word to you so many times, who  had lovers while married instead of loving you and keeping her word to you, never admitted to any of this”

My mom lives about two hours from me.  I don’t go visit her often. I may see her about once or  twice a year on my efforts.  To do so is strained, I guess it feels like an obligation to some degree.  The reason I hug her and say I love you is because she initiates it.  Besides that I don’t know really why I do it though as it doesn’t bring me a feeling of comfort.  I have never gave it any thought as to why, I’ve just did it.