Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to feel better and heal wounds. Feeling stuck.
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August 25, 2019 at 3:22 pm #309265LovejonesssParticipant
Trying to feel better and heal wounds. I can’t seem to shake the fact that the guy I was previously dating is not ready for a relationship. Things kind of ended abruptly (see my last post) but we continued to stay in touch and see each other. That probably was not the best idea. It wasn’t until about two months ago, I went completely cold and stopped responding to his text. The trigger was he was at family function and someone he knew pointed out noted how bitter he was and how he needs to heal from his previous relationship. He shared this with me and in the same breath asked me “if I missed him”. I got frustrated and kinda tired of hearing the same things ( about him being not ready and needing to heal) so I backed off. He swears he cares about me and doesn’t want to string me along. In his words he’s noncommittal.
I reached out to him last week to basically let him know how he effects me when he keeps repeating the same rhetoric. I don’t know what I was hoping. I was feeling very anxious and wanted to communicate what I was feeling. Neither of us wants to let go but it feels like I’m getting the tougher end.
I’m just trying to get to a place where I feel better about myself and not thinking of him or seeking whatever attention I can get from him. This is the hard part my mind tends to be getting the best of me, as I’m wondering what he’s doing and with who, etc.
I’ve been going to therapy for about a year or more and my therapist really hasn’t helped much. I’m seeking a new one. I feel like there’s patterns that need to looked at and I need to go deeper.
I feel that all these feelings and the way I’m reacting are based on my upbringing. I grew up in a dysfunctional home. All my parents did was argue. When one would come home, the other would leave. My mom slept in the living room my dad slept in his room. My home was cold. My mom cheated on my dad. I’m sure my dad did the same but kept his moves quiet. I’m certain of this now that I’m older. When I was about ten years old I seen my mom with the man she was cheating with, I reacted by picking up rocks and throwing anything at the car I could find. Before getting in the car my mom said “do you want to come with me?” Talk about a slapped in the face. The next day I seen her and she said “don’t you ever throw rocks at my car again.” I stood there speechless, hurt, confused, abandoned. She never consoled me or acknowledged her wrong doing and tried to bring me down because of her stupidity. I can name countless times where I was scolded because of my mothers coldness and lies.
I’ve been looking for tools to help me build my self esteem. I feel like if I had a better grip on my emotions and outlook I wouldn’t feel like some days I drowning in sorrow.
This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced emotions like this that’s why I know it’s much deeper. Maybe low self esteem, abandonment issues, trust, etc.
This morning I composed a text to him which expresses some of my disappointment and frustration with him but I didn’t press send. I’ve considered blocking him but don’t know if that will help any. Feeling stuck and not sure what to do.
August 25, 2019 at 4:08 pm #309271AnonymousGuestDear Lovejonesss:
Your previous thread was a year and a few days ago, the last post there was Aug 22, I think. I was wondering, regarding what you shared in this thread:
As a child, was your empathy with your father; siding with him against your mother?
(If you want, I will be glad to look into your childhood with you and see the connections to your current life, specifically in the context of your relationship with this man. The purpose of my question above, and any questions I may ask you in the future, is to unearth such connections).
anita
August 25, 2019 at 4:58 pm #309275AnonymousGuestDear Lovejonesss:
I re-read your August 2018 thread. In it your wrote: “I know the question is what do I want? I know that I want a man who is not fully into me”-
– was it a typo, did you mean: I want a man who is fully into me… or was it what you meant, I wonder, that you want a man who is not fully into you?
You are not here to answer, not yet anyway, and so, I ask myself: why would Lovejonesss want this man to not be fully into her, to not commit to her and be only with her, why would she (could she) want a man who sleeps with another woman, or other women, a man who is not over the woman in his previous relationship?
I answer myself: because she wants to fix something old, she wants her mother to STOP cheating on her father, this is why she threw rocks on her mother’s car.
Can it be that Lovejonesss is stuck in her childhood, trying to break up the cheating couple (mother-lover… current noncommittal boyfriend-other women), so to make her parents’ marriage good and safe, so that she can have a safe, warm home for herself?
anita
August 25, 2019 at 7:05 pm #309291LovejonesssParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, growing up my father had the loudest bark. He would call my mother names, push us to side with him, and even drove by the guys house my mother was cheating on him with. It only happened one time but the night we drove by his house they happened to pulling out the driveway. With my brother and myself in the car, my father followed them for a couple of miles. I can’t recall but I’m sure he was speaking poorly of my mom the entire time. He always placed himself on a pedestal. He was on drugs, denied it, and would act irrationally. If he could convince my siblings and eye the sky was purple he would.
I would be happy for your to look into my childhood with me and draw connections.
In my Aug 20, 2018 post, that was a typo. I do want a man who is fully into me. When I threw the rocks at the car I indeed acted out of anger and definitely wanted my mother to stop. She didn’t though, she would bring the guy around and be all smiles like it was okay. Again, she never once addressed the issues at hand. The guy she was seeing was in and out of jail. So, anytime I spent with my mom I knew not to get to close to her because she was going to leave. This is what I would tell myself. I recall one night, she told my younger brother and I that we were going to spend the evening with her. We went to my aunts house and we couldn’t have been there more than 5-10 minutes and she left us there. I think I ran to the door and cried hysterically the whole night. I kept saying something like she said we were going to stay with her. Another time I remember her lying and saying she was going to a store, meanwhile we just drove past the store in question and it was closing. I was too young to speak up but those kind of things ate at me. Years later she got pregnant with my second youngest brother and that was big secret too.
It is quite possible though that I am still stuck in my childhood. I experienced things like this that I don’t think I healed from fully. I think because this issues were never addressed and kicked under the rug. When I was child my mom would always tell me she would drop my lunch off at school. Every time she would do this I would go to the office looking for my lunch and like clock-work no lunch. I would call her at work and very nonchalantly she would say I forgot it. I would go through the entire day sometimes with nothing to eat. I would be so upset when I seen her. On one occasion, we went through a drive through and I remember just crying because I was so hurt and upset. I mean I was always the kid with no lunch. When I started to cry she hit me on my leg, to quiet me from crying. When she didn’t bring my lunch my choices were to ask another kid to share, go to the nurse and say I was feeling well to get food, or just go through the day without eating. She didn’t this so many times. She would tell she would pick me up after school or be home at a certain time and more times then not she wouldn’t show up. I really believe this may have lead me to experience anxiety at such a young age.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Lovejonesss.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Lovejonesss.
August 25, 2019 at 8:02 pm #309301AnonymousGuestDear Lovejonesss:
I read your correction in your year-ago thread (it being a typ0). I will read and reply to your second post on this thread (and anything you may add to it) when I am back to the computer in about ten hours from now.
anita
August 25, 2019 at 9:06 pm #309319LovejonesssParticipantThank you Anita!
While I await your reply some other instances come to mind from my childhood. So as I mentioned, my mother would promise me that she would bring my lunch to school and rarely did she ever. This left me feeling embarassed and feeling left out. While all of my classmates were eating and enjoying their lunches, I sat off pretending to be okay when I wasn’t. This behavior of pretending to be okay seemed to follow me, this would happen when my mother didn’t show up or didn’t give me money to buy lunch or other things she may have neglected to do. As I’m writing this I’m realizing that I keep stating my mother and for some reason naturally leaving my father out like I wasn’t his responsibility. I suppose because my father had this way about him, for the most part when he said he was going to do something he did. So, if he said he was bringing lunch or dropping off money he would do those things. This was not an area he seemed to lack in. Although, both of my parents lacked being nurturing, my mom just seemed to display it more like one time she was just getting home from work and I ran up to her excited to see her. The first thing she says is “don’t touch me.” Needless to say, to this I’m in my mid thirties and hugging my mother or even my father doesn’t bring me any comfort. I feel uncomfortable doing it or even saying I love you.
I was a child that wasn’t praised or rewarded. I don’t remember this happening at all if so very little. I recall another time when I think I received my end of the year report card, I may have been in about second grade. I was rejoicing about the fact that I didn’t get left back and my mother said something like “You have gotten anywhere to be left back.” How I interpreted this and what I felt she was implying was I shouldn’t be bragging because I was only in second grade and the work that was doing was not difficult, so there’s no need to be happy. I remember feeling knocked down.
I don’t remember my mother having any talks with me. Talks about how I was doing or feeling. If I had homework. The same goes for my father. Though this may be personal, the only talk I remember her having was when she wanted to tell me about when it was time to get my menstrual cycle. She came in my room like something was wrong or just like very secretive, it just made me uncomfortable. I started crying. When I did start my cycle, I didn’t go to her or anyone. She found out but I didn’t share this with her.
I will stop here for now.
August 26, 2019 at 9:28 am #309369AnonymousGuestDear Lovejonesss
I read your recent posts. It will take some time figuring out more and more connections. There is no doubt that your painful experience of childhood has a whole lot to do with your quality of life ever since, as an adult, including this very day.
One thing that makes it difficult to see the connections is that the most powerful connections happened early on, in the early years of your childhood. What happens often is that we get more information or stories later in life, as teenagers or young adults, and we re-interpret our childhoods based on new information, including information we get from self help books and such.
Insight has to involve removing those re-interpretations of childhood later on, removing self help book info added, again, later on as well as considering the child’s great motivation to forget the bad and remember the good and so forth.
It will take time but if you are willing, we can work on this together, honestly and patiently. Over time I will re-read previous posts and integrate those into my understanding.
Question: what is your current relationship with your mother, what kinds of interactions? Did you share with your mother these experiences of your childhood and how did she respond?
anita
August 27, 2019 at 3:22 pm #309481AnonymousGuestDear Lovejonesss:
You wrote in your original post regarding this man: “about two months ago, I went completely cold and stopped responding to his text. The trigger was.. someone he knew pointed out .. how bitter he was and how he needs to heal from his previous relationship”-
– you too, you are bitter too, at your mother, understandably, and you need to heal from the relationship with your mother.
But unlike the man in your life, who may not be in contact anymore with his ex girlfriend, you are still in contact with your mother, a woman who has done you so much wrong and never admitted to it. You mentioned her “coldness and lies”, how she would tell you that she will do something and then broke her word to you, again and again.
And she never admitted any wrongdoing, “issues were never addressed and kicked under the rug”.
You wrote: “one time she was getting home from work and I ran up to her excited to see her. The first thing she says is ‘don’t touch me.’ Needless to say.. I’m in my mid thirties and hugging my mother.. doesn’t bring me any comfort. I feel uncomfortable doing it or even saying I love you”-
-in the present time, in your mid thirties, you are still in contact with your mother, maybe you live with her, maybe you visit her, maybe you visit her often. And when you are with her, you hug her and say I-love-you.
Why do you do these things? Why do you hug a woman who hurt you so badly, who rejected you, who broke her word to you so many times, who had lovers while married instead of loving you and keeping her word to you, never admitted to any of this-
-how can you “heal wounds” when you are still making yourself available to the woman who created your wounds?
anita
August 29, 2019 at 9:33 am #309633LovejonesssParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for helping with unpacking this and asking questions.
“Question: what is your current relationship with your mother, what kinds of interactions? Did you share with your mother these experiences of your childhood and how did she respond?”
My current relationship with my mother is better than it was, she’ll send gifts and text here and there. I still have a thing though when she calls me, my immediate thought is something is wrong. I don’t say it now but I use to always tell you don’t call so when you do I’m thinking something is wrong. In other words, it makes me uncomfortable and stresses me out a little.
Well, my first two years of high school a family member invited me come stay with them. At the time I was staying with my grandmother, my mother was pregnant (not by my father), my father was in rehab, and the man she was seeing was in jail. I didn’t have any stability so I jumped at the opportunity and ultimately made the decision for myself to move. Those years living with my aunt is another story by itself, not bad but not loving either. She didn’t show me love and there was clear distinction that I was the visitor. When I moved back “home” I lived with my mom. Those years were rough, I really disliked her, any chance I got I would yell and maybe even curse her out. I would break things, destroy her room, I was so angry. My brothers father eventually got out of jail and he moved in with us. She made it known she didn’t care about my feelings. When I graduated high school and moved out, the anger still persisted. If I went by to visit or spoke with her on the phone I waited for any moment to bring up what she did or make my feelings known.
Fast-forward, I am able to have a conversation on the phone with my mother at length. We usually speak about general stuff like shopping or about my siblings and nieces and nephews. Nothing deep at all. However, if she starts talking about parenting stuff referring to my nieces or nephews, things like this can trigger me. A few months ago my brother brought to my attention that she promised my nephew that she would be sending him something, that was a trigger for me. I told her not to do that and brought up the things she used to do. At least once or twice she has acknowledge that she didn’t treat me and my siblings right but I don’t really think she knows the effect. Other times if she says something that triggers me I will end the call.
August 29, 2019 at 9:57 am #309635LovejonesssParticipantDear Anita,
Indeed I need to heal from the relationship with my mother. While going through all of this with this guy, it has made me look and want to explore deeper. Again, I’ve experienced emotions like this before but with him it seems to be deeper. This experience has brought up unhealed and unmet emotions to the surface. I am still very bitter with my mother, I think of the things she did and said often. To clarify he was married for about five years and divorce for about 3 years, with his ex a total of 10 years.
“Why do you do these things? Why do you hug a woman who hurt you so badly, who rejected you, who broke her word to you so many times, who had lovers while married instead of loving you and keeping her word to you, never admitted to any of this”
My mom lives about two hours from me. I don’t go visit her often. I may see her about once or twice a year on my efforts. To do so is strained, I guess it feels like an obligation to some degree. The reason I hug her and say I love you is because she initiates it. Besides that I don’t know really why I do it though as it doesn’t bring me a feeling of comfort. I have never gave it any thought as to why, I’ve just did it.
August 29, 2019 at 10:36 am #309639AnonymousGuestDear Lovejonesss:
It is very difficult for an adult child to heal from a terrible, childhood-and-beyond relationship with one’s mother. But until you do, all you are unable to have a healthy intimate relationship with another person.
If you cut all contact with your mother today, you will not be healed. It takes more. But until you cut all contact, healing can not begin.
I will explain: even though you see your mother only once or twice a year, you are in communication with her via text/ phone more often. Let’s look at what happens when you talk with her on the phone: “We usually speak about general stuff like shopping.. Nothing deep at all. However, if she starts talking about parenting stuff… things like this can trigger me… I told her not to do that and brought up the things she used to do.. I don’t really think she knows the effect. Other times if she says something that triggers me I will end the call”-
– why go through all this trouble? First the conversations are not deep, you are not getting anything of depth out of it, nothing useful to you. Second, you are alert because at any time you may get triggered. It is as if you are walking on a ground with bombs scattered under ground, and at anytime one may explode. This is no way to live a calm life! Third, you get to tell her.. once again what she did wrong, and … once again it doesn’t get through (“I don’t really think she knows the effect”).
You are recycling the same old, same old childhood relationship you had with her. What is the benefit of doing that?
And when you see her in person, your experience is: “To do so is strained.. it feels like an obligation. The reason I hug her and say I love you is because she initiates it.. it doesn’t bring me a feeling of comfort.”-
– why visit her then, why add strain to your life. You owe her nothing, there is no obligation on your part. She owes you- she owes you sincere regret and a large amount of money paid to quality therapy for you. You owe her nothing.
What happens in these visits is that you live a lie: you hug her and tell her that you love her while understandably, you are and have been angry with her for so very long. When you feel anger toward a person- it is not honest to hug her, it is unhealthy.
Back to healing: the beginning of it is about being honest. So, you stop all dishonesty, including the hugging and saying I-love-you. But it takes more than that- you no longer participate in dysfunctional relationships, especially in the most troubled, dysfunctional relationship of your life- the one with your mother.
After you do that, you can begin the honest, difficult, and courageous process of healing.
anita
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