Shelby, Kkasxo ,

So in terms of my breakup I will go into detail, I have been hesitant because I feel like by talking about it its real if that makes sense (for example, referring to him as an “ex” is weird and hits me with a wave of nostalgia, loss etc all at once).

I will split it up into sections as there is a lot of detail.

Background Context

I met him online and we have a big age gap which provoked concern, curiosity and a lot of drama which resulted in the relationship starting surrounded by stress and me defending someone who quite frankly I didn’t know any better than those questioning me because it was all new and fresh. However, I had never felt the way I did about him since my first ever boyfriend, he was a guy that I wanted to be with regardless of the cost and someone I wanted to experience a loving and long-term relationship with.

Our relationship started like a movie I “ran away” to be with him because it was love and I was so scared of losing him to someone else.

The Relationship

As a whole it was like any relationship, very up and down. We had more highs than lows though. However, the lows were out of control e.g unemployment etc.

Although I did not realise how external factors can affect a relationship and so I was upset and shocked that we weren’t I suppose in the Honeymoon phase etc and so I put pressure on myself and always felt like I needed to fix us when in reality we weren’t broken. This caused me to beat myself up if we hadnt been intimate properly and a lot of small things became massive in my head.

All my relationships before him had been “fun” and it was my first time being in a relationship where we were life partners who tackled issues together. Which was fine until at some point along the way I didnt see us as a team and I felt like my shortcomings were unfair on him, why did he have to go out with someone who never wants to go out and more descriptive language which in term perpetuated the idea that he didnt like me etc.

Leaving Reality and my trust

I would say things started going down hill around a year ago. I had a bad drug trip and the fact he could sympathise but didnt really understand made me feel completely alone. It was a mistake and essentially I fell over and my body couldnt deal with the adrenaline and the drug making me relaxed, so I ended up very paranoid and telling him I dont trust him. Which stayed with me because I had never ever felt or said that to him. In addition to this I ending up having a meltdown. In retrospect it was an experience that actually helped me in the longrun look within myself and decide to heal any emotional wounds i have (which is what im trying to do now).

So this experience lead me to experience awful floating anxiety, anger that I had put myself in that position and that if i hadnt met him that wouldve never happened (I realised that no one is to blame as it were but im just stating honestly how I felt at the time) and ultimately I felt like I could see the world in a new light and it made me feel very isolated.

To deal with it, in addition to therapy/eventually taking to a gp, I decided (I will warn that this is not a healthy way to deal with it in anyway) that things felt real when I experienced pain, so I decided that we should try an open relationship which ended up with me catching feelings for this guy who was a complete tool and so I became distressed and met my bf and broke it off with him.

That night I went to a mates but I was terrified that my bf would try to hurt himself and I felt worse not better as it were. I went back to him and tried to work at us over the summer.

But the same issues came up again, I had awful anxiety, I kept thinking about the other guy and I was unemployed/then found work but then stressed about work. All of this lead me to just breakdown one night after he came back from work, I couldnt even say why and I hated that I felt like I didnt have the energy to fix things/go to relationship therapy etc.

I left the relationship and he thought it was because I was anxious, that is a part of it, however, I felt like he has tried to be like “you did x because youre anxious” when really I did x because I felt like x,y,z which caused me to feel anxious.

In conclusion because Im not sure all this information was needed tbh, I broke up with him because I felt like I had become an anxious person and my issues were affecting the relationship to the point where I felt like I was becoming toxic.

The reason I am going through heartbreak is because I feel like I could fight for the relationship if I really tried. I hate that after years of issues that I dont feel like I have the energy in me for such a serious relationship, I need a break.

I didnt want to break up, I wanted a break (maybe 6 months or something) but he either does a relationship or friends.

Could this have been avoided? Yes, if we had communicated properly, maybe if I didnt resent the fact that I was the one that said iloveyou first and was so set on us getting married etc. But ultimately I feel like the stress of life just made me lose myself and Idk how I went from “lets get married” to “meh” in 6 months. Im devastated because we nearly had our happy ending, he had ordered an engagement ring yet I found that out on the night a few months ago where I broke up with him.

I think i’m healing quicker than I expected because I almost have subconsciously emotionally left the relationship before I ended it.

Currently I keep wanting to call him, go to therapy etc and work things out but I know that I would be doing it because I feel awful for hurting him and I know that if we are reunited then it has to be when I have learnt to live again and after ive worked on myself. But im also questioning the decision every day.

I hope this helps clarify things.

Shelby,

Oh my you sound exactly like me! That made me laugh, I too am an obsessive overthinker and its even worse when there isn’t a clear step-by-step rule book that promises I will defiantely feel better and I will have solved heartache at the end, or if there is it probably says I will feel better in 6 months but I want to feel better now (I too am impatient) .

“Pandora’s box has been opened but I want to put it all back in and never open it. But he said you can’t put Pandora back in the box. So I replied ‘Great, so basically I’m screwed’ ” – this is EXACTLY how I feel, Im frustrated that the damage has been done and theres no way you can just see them for an hour where everything was content (before everything blew up).

“When I breakdown I question am I bringing it on myself by ruminating.”  “If I’m less anxious and in less pain for a few hours, I wonder have I gone into denial mode.” – I think all of this is how you are dealing with loss, like I say everytime you breakdown or cry its your bodys reaction to grief and in turn its healing your heart.

Kkasxo,

” That is one hell of a story. I think it’s fair to say that you did what you thought was best for you at the time, this doesn’t make it any less hurtful though! I actually read somewhere that hreatbreak tends to be more painful for the person initiating the split because of all the confusion and what if’s that lie behind the decision, almost like if this really is the end then it is on you (although me & Shelby will probably agree that being on the reciprocating end is absolutely excruciating).” – I’m not comparing our pain as I am sure yours/shelbys is worse just because you didn’t have time to prepare. The person who ends the relationship has had the time (if they choose to) to go through the emotional side before they end things, so therefore a lot of what I am experiencing is fear of the unknown and pain that I hurt him/and based on the what ifs. However, it will pass, we all just need to master patience haha

“I think you’re very brave to embark on this journey to healing and self discovery by yourself.” – Thank you, that means alot.

“‘black hole’ similar to what you have described above. I literally spiral out of control with thoughts & anxiety and in turn I act out in ways where I don’t even recognise myself once the episode has passed.” – That doesnt sound great 🙁 Maybe you could carry around a notebook with you and then if you start to feel a spiral coming on start to scribble down your feelings and gain control again. I am aware it is probably easier said than done though to give advise, I havent experienced a “black hole” so unfortunately my advice is rather amateur. I have experienced a high manic state that has been fuelled by racing anxious thoughts which may or may not be similar (so that is where my advice is coming from).

“In those times I run to him for safety and that isn’t fair nor is it healthy. ” – its good that you recognise this! It means you can find a solution.

“He can’t save me, I need to save myself. And the same applies to you, you’re aware that there are some issues you’re dealing with and you’ve made the brave choice to deal with those and be your own, full and happy person before deciding to commit yourself to another! That is a wonderful and selfless act so good on you girl!” – Yes the whole a partner can save you is a deadly belief system in my opinion. For both genders. I believe that it is pushed on us so we spend money, e.g. rush into marriages (which obviously cost a lot of money). Its a belief that I see our society pushing on everyone from a young age, so we need to fight it. I hope that makes sense.

I have a friend who actually married herself, which for her proved that she had belief in herself and was an f-you to the “someone can save me” way of thinking.

“I’m on my way to the airport and have hardly slept. I kept dreaming that he’s calling and in turn that’s this brought up anxiety that maybe my subconscious is telling me that he’s tried to reach out but he’s blocked? So now my mind is in overdrive! When does this end????!!!” – I too had a bizarre dream last night and a lot of anxiety before sleeping. I definately felt unsettled and then in my dream I saw my ex with another woman and I attended this “how to be sexy” course where everyone was dressed in over the top lingerie. I must say it was a very strange dream. In my opinion (this may be hard to hear) I think your subconscious wants him to reach out and maybe you just want some closure from him. One thing to remember is that there are more than one way to contact someone, he could write a letter, turn up at your address, get in contact with one of your friends who could get in contact with you.

For the plane pick up a magazine or a crossword puzzle, focus on the good as obvious as it sounds tell yourself this “Im excited to go to my friends wedding, its going to be fun, Im going to eat nice food and have interesting conversation. This is a memory I am making which is positive and is going to make me feel better” , that may help.

Good luck though (:

Hi Anita,

Is there any way to delete or edit my long post about my relationship? Even though I am aware my ex or anyone I know will never see it there are aspects of the post that were difficult for me to be public about. If it could be shortened or removed I would appreciate it.