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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

Homeā†’Forumsā†’Relationshipsā†’Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 2,308 total)
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  • #230585
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Thanks so much Victoria. Everything causes a slice of pain at the moment. Everything is a reminder of him, itā€™s crazy, but youā€™d nearly think I didnā€™t exist as a single human being before I met him.

    I told my therapist recently that Pandoraā€™s box has been opened but I want to put it all back in and never open it. But he said you canā€™t put Pandora back in the box. So I replied ā€˜Great, so basically Iā€™m screwedā€™ but they assure me Iā€™m a better person for it. The jury is most definitely out on that one.

    I have no idea if Iā€™m doing things to get out of this as painlessly (ironic) as possible. When I breakdown I question am I bringing it on myself by ruminating. If Iā€™m less anxious and in less pain for a few hours, I wonder have I gone into denial mode. If I have, will it come back ten times worse because Iā€™m not dealing with it.

    And so the obsessive overthinking continues! Did I mention Iā€™m an over thinker?!

    #230597
    Victoria
    Participant

    Shelby, Kkasxo ,

    So in terms of my breakup I will go into detail, I have been hesitant because I feel like by talking about it its real if that makes sense (for example, referring to him as an “ex” is weird and hits me with a wave of nostalgia, loss etc all at once).

    I will split it up into sections as there is a lot of detail.

    Background Context

    I met him online and we have a big age gap which provoked concern, curiosity and a lot of drama which resulted in the relationship starting surrounded by stress and me defending someone who quite frankly I didn’t know any better than those questioning me because it was all new and fresh. However, I had never felt the way I did about him since my first ever boyfriend, he was a guy that I wanted to be with regardless of the cost and someone I wanted to experience a loving and long-term relationship with.

    Our relationship started like a movie I “ran away” to be with him because it was love and I was so scared of losing him to someone else.

    The Relationship

    As a whole it was like any relationship, very up and down. We had more highs than lows though. However, the lows were out of control e.g unemployment etc.

    Although I did not realise how external factors can affect a relationship and so I was upset and shocked that we weren’t I suppose in the Honeymoon phase etc and so I put pressure on myself and always felt like I needed to fix us when in reality we weren’t broken. This caused me to beat myself up if we hadnt been intimate properly and a lot of small things became massive in my head.

    All my relationships before him had been “fun” and it was my first time being in a relationship where we were life partners who tackled issues together. Which was fine until at some point along the way I didnt see us as a team and I felt like my shortcomings were unfair on him, why did he have to go out with someone who never wants to go out and more descriptive language which in term perpetuated the idea that he didnt like me etc.

    Leaving Reality and my trust

    I would say things started going down hill around a year ago. I had a bad drug trip and the fact he could sympathise but didnt really understand made me feel completely alone. It was a mistake and essentially I fell over and my body couldnt deal with the adrenaline and the drug making me relaxed, so I ended up very paranoid and telling him I dont trust him. Which stayed with me because I had never ever felt or said that to him. In addition to this I ending up having a meltdown. In retrospect it was an experience that actually helped me in the longrun look within myself and decide to heal any emotional wounds i have (which is what im trying to do now).

    So this experience lead me to experience awful floating anxiety, anger that I had put myself in that position and that if i hadnt met him that wouldve never happened (I realised that no one is to blame as it were but im just stating honestly how I felt at the time) and ultimately I felt like I could see the world in a new light and it made me feel very isolated.

    To deal with it, in addition to therapy/eventually taking to a gp, I decided (I will warn that this is not a healthy way to deal with it in anyway) that things felt real when I experienced pain, so I decided that we should try an open relationship which ended up with me catching feelings for this guy who was a complete tool and so I became distressed and met my bf and broke it off with him.

    That night I went to a mates but I was terrified that my bf would try to hurt himself and I felt worse not better as it were. I went back to him and tried to work at us over the summer.

    But the same issues came up again, I had awful anxiety, I kept thinking about the other guy and I was unemployed/then found work but then stressed about work. All of this lead me to just breakdown one night after he came back from work, I couldnt even say why and I hated that I felt like I didnt have the energy to fix things/go to relationship therapy etc.

    I left the relationship and he thought it was because I was anxious, that is a part of it, however, I felt like he has tried to be like “you did x because youre anxious” when really I did x because I felt like x,y,z which caused me to feel anxious.

    In conclusion because Im not sure all this information was needed tbh, I broke up with him because I felt like I had become an anxious person and my issues were affecting the relationship to the point where I felt like I was becoming toxic.

    The reason I am going through heartbreak is because I feel like I could fight for the relationship if I really tried. I hate that after years of issues that I dont feel like I have the energy in me for such a serious relationship, I need a break.

    I didnt want to break up, I wanted a break (maybe 6 months or something) but he either does a relationship or friends.

    Could this have been avoided? Yes, if we had communicated properly, maybe if I didnt resent the fact that I was the one that said iloveyou first and was so set on us getting married etc. But ultimately I feel like the stress of life just made me lose myself and Idk how I went from “lets get married” to “meh” in 6 months. Im devastated because we nearly had our happy ending, he had ordered an engagement ring yet I found that out on the night a few months ago where I broke up with him.

    I think i’m healing quicker than I expected because I almost have subconsciously emotionally left the relationship before I ended it.

    Currently I keep wanting to call him, go to therapy etc and work things out but I know that I would be doing it because I feel awful for hurting him and I know that if we are reunited then it has to be when I have learnt to live again and after ive worked on myself. But im also questioning the decision every day.

    I hope this helps clarify things.

    #230599
    Victoria
    Participant

    Shelby,

    I have found that you should always listen to peoples opinion if they feel compelled to share it with you, but you should question their intentions, are they warning you off the person because they are looking out for your best interests or because they are jelous/dont want to see you happy.

    I have found though that unfortunately negative words about someone never leave your mind and so I have found it hard at times if someones behaviour matches the negative opinion to dispute it because the person has proved their criticism right.

    I would go with my intuition at the end of the day though and question that even though they dont put their clothing away in the wardrobe and that may be annoying and prove someones negative comment about the person being lazy you have ask yourself do you actually care about it or do you care because someone close to you is telling you to care about it, does that make sense?

    Also, I’m happy to hear you didn’t regret going to the wedding (:

    #230601
    Victoria
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Oh my you sound exactly like me! That made me laugh, I too am an obsessive overthinker and its even worse when there isn’t a clear step-by-step rule book that promises I will defiantely feel better and I will have solved heartache at the end, or if there is it probably says I will feel better in 6 months but I want to feel better now (I too am impatient) .

    “Pandoraā€™s box has been opened but I want to put it all back in and never open it. But he said you canā€™t put Pandora back in the box. So I replied ā€˜Great, so basically Iā€™m screwedā€™ ” – this is EXACTLY how I feel, Im frustrated that the damage has been done and theres no way you can just see them for an hour where everything was content (before everything blew up).

    “When I breakdown I question am I bringing it on myself by ruminating.”Ā  “If Iā€™m less anxious and in less pain for a few hours, I wonder have I gone into denial mode.” – I think all of this is how you are dealing with loss, like I say everytime you breakdown or cry its your bodys reaction to grief and in turn its healing your heart.

     

    #230615
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Victoria,

    That is one hell of a story. I think itā€™s fair to say that you did what you thought was best for you at the time, this doesnā€™t make it any less hurtful though! I actually read somewhere that hreatbreak tends to be more painful for the person initiating the split because of all the confusion and what ifā€™s that lie behind the decision, almost like if this really is the end then it is on you (although me & Shelby will probably agree that being on the reciprocating end is absolutely excruciating).

    I think youā€™re very brave to embark on this journey to healing and self discovery by yourself. I did mention in one of my earlier posts that I experience what I call a ā€˜black holeā€™ similar to what you have described above. I literally spiral out of control with thoughts & anxiety and in turn I act out in ways where I donā€™t even recognise myself once the episode has passed. In those times I run to him for safety and that isnā€™t fair nor is it healthy. He canā€™t save me, I need to save myself. And the same applies to you, youā€™re aware that there are some issues youā€™re dealing with and youā€™ve made the brave choice to deal with those and be your own, full and happy person before deciding to commit yourself to another! That is a wonderful and selfless act so good on you girl!

    Iā€™m on my way to the airport and have hardly slept. I kept dreaming that heā€™s calling and in turn thatā€™s this brought up anxiety that maybe my subconscious is telling me that heā€™s tried to reach out but heā€™s blocked? So now my mind is in overdrive! When does this end????!!!

    #230617
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Victoria,

    It sounds like you are going through the mill. I really feel for you, itā€™s not easy. I agree that it was probably the best thing for you to do. It was causing you even more anxiety trying to keep the relationship going on top of trying to deal with your own personal issues.

    I feel like we have no choice but to keep going now. In a way, we are where we are and must play the cards we have been dealt. But I donā€™t want to play this game, I donā€™t want to play at all. Ā A month ago I wanted more from my ex and it was tough but I was still a lot happier than I am now. This is not fun.

    Mad for the opinions of others, they are most definitely acting in my best interests. They are protecting me and trying to prevent any further damage to me in this process. A friend I met yesterday evening said that my ex doesnā€™t deserve me. He said that for all his talk of being afraid and unable to make a decision, if he loved me the way I loved him, he would have picked up the phone. It was hard to hear.

    I actually donā€™t know what I would do if I didnā€™t have this forum to post on with people who understand.

     


    @Kkasxo
    ,

    I too had a horrendous night. The dreams are a killer, taking you from fantasy to reality with a bang. Even if your ex reached out, nothing can be solved right now. Heā€™s away for a boozy weekend and your doing your best to get through a wedding. At least if heā€™s blocked you can just focus one hurdle at a time. A few days wonā€™t make a difference.

    I was going to text my ex last night, I thought Fri night would be the best opportunity. He might be out socialising so might be a little looser and therefore might respond. If it goes pear-shaped I have the weekend to try & pick myself up again….. but in the end I didnā€™t. Something stopped me. The niggling voice that says, he made the decision, if he wants to change it, he will make contact, which he hasnā€™t.

    So here I am, another ā€˜wonderfulā€™ morning and Iā€™m struggling.

    S x

    #230621
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stella/Shelby:

    My last post to you was about looking into your childhood experience for the origin of your anxiety. In your reply note to me you wrote: “I don’t know how it pertains to my relationship breakup now in this moment of my life”- I think your anxiety pertains to your relationship breakup because if you look at the title of your thread, it reads: “trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up”. You listed twoĀ  issues, anxiety and breakup. I attended to the first issue, the anxiety.

    Notice, your anxiety is not particular to this relationship that just ended. You wrote: “IĀ  have been seeing my therapist really since the previous break-up with my ex and I fell apart then. WAY worse than now”. So, you see, the anxiety is not specific to this breakup. I don’t think your anxiety shows up only during breakups either. In other words, you suffer from anxiety.

    Here are some expressions of your anxiety: “I experienced severe anxiety and depression.. anxiety now has a steely grip on me. It consumes me, I’m petrified to be alone. Impending weekends fill me with dreadā€¦ I’m afraid and I just want him back… It’s scary to deal with anxiety… At this point I can’t tell if it’s anxiety/fear or heartbreak“- I can tell: it is anxiety.

    If you would like to start a new thread regarding your anxiety, please do. Otherwise, I will leave this thread to you and the other members who experience the breakup part.

    * You asked me: “And if there is a way of mending it?- if you mean if there is a way of mending the relationship you had? If so, why not suggest to your ex boyfriend to attend a therapy session with you and your therapist, for this very purpose, to figure out if there is a way of mending the relationship.

    anita

    #230627
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @anita

    Thanks for getting back to me. Ok, I understand now I suffer from anxiety. In reference to the mend part, I meant can I mend myself to no longer have acute episodes of anxiety. Did something happen in my childhood which needs to be mended? Perhaps I should start a thread specifically about anxiety if you feel itā€™s unrelated to my breakup experience.

    Thanks,

    S

    #230633
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Stella. Yes, start a new thread if you’d like, for the anxiety part.

    anita

    #230639
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    I donā€™t know if anything will help with the anxiety at present however until the heartbreak eases a little. If it ever does!

    #230647
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stella/ Shelby:

    Maybe there is an emotional payoff for you, to go on and on about the breakup, sort of having a wound and almost enjoying picking on it?

    anita

    #230657
    Victoria
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    ” That is one hell of a story. I think itā€™s fair to say that you did what you thought was best for you at the time, this doesnā€™t make it any less hurtful though! I actually read somewhere that hreatbreak tends to be more painful for the person initiating the split because of all the confusion and what ifā€™s that lie behind the decision, almost like if this really is the end then it is on you (although me & Shelby will probably agree that being on the reciprocating end is absolutely excruciating).” – I’m not comparing our pain as I am sure yours/shelbys is worse just because you didn’t have time to prepare. The person who ends the relationship has had the time (if they choose to) to go through the emotional side before they end things, so therefore a lot of what I am experiencing is fear of the unknown and pain that I hurt him/and based on the what ifs. However, it will pass, we all just need to master patience haha

    “I think youā€™re very brave to embark on this journey to healing and self discovery by yourself.” – Thank you, that means alot.

    “ā€˜black holeā€™ similar to what you have described above. I literally spiral out of control with thoughts & anxiety and in turn I act out in ways where I donā€™t even recognise myself once the episode has passed.” – That doesnt sound great šŸ™ Maybe you could carry around a notebook with you and then if you start to feel a spiral coming on start to scribble down your feelings and gain control again. I am aware it is probably easier said than done though to give advise, I havent experienced a “black hole” so unfortunately my advice is rather amateur. I have experienced a high manic state that has been fuelled by racing anxious thoughts which may or may not be similar (so that is where my advice is coming from).

    “In those times I run to him for safety and that isnā€™t fair nor is it healthy. ” – its good that you recognise this! It means you can find a solution.

    “He canā€™t save me, I need to save myself. And the same applies to you, youā€™re aware that there are some issues youā€™re dealing with and youā€™ve made the brave choice to deal with those and be your own, full and happy person before deciding to commit yourself to another! That is a wonderful and selfless act so good on you girl!” – Yes the whole a partner can save you is a deadly belief system in my opinion. For both genders. I believe that it is pushed on us so we spend money, e.g. rush into marriages (which obviously cost a lot of money). Its a belief that I see our society pushing on everyone from a young age, so we need to fight it. I hope that makes sense.

    I have a friend who actually married herself, which for her proved that she had belief in herself and was an f-you to the “someone can save me” way of thinking.

    “Iā€™m on my way to the airport and have hardly slept. I kept dreaming that heā€™s calling and in turn thatā€™s this brought up anxiety that maybe my subconscious is telling me that heā€™s tried to reach out but heā€™s blocked? So now my mind is in overdrive! When does this end????!!!” – I too had a bizarre dream last night and a lot of anxiety before sleeping. I definately felt unsettled and then in my dream I saw my ex with another woman and I attended this “how to be sexy” course where everyone was dressed in over the top lingerie. I must say it was a very strange dream. In my opinion (this may be hard to hear) I think your subconscious wants him to reach out and maybe you just want some closure from him. One thing to remember is that there are more than one way to contact someone, he could write a letter, turn up at your address, get in contact with one of your friends who could get in contact with you.

    For the plane pick up a magazine or a crossword puzzle, focus on the good as obvious as it sounds tell yourself this “Im excited to go to my friends wedding, its going to be fun, Im going to eat nice food and have interesting conversation. This is a memory I am making which is positive and is going to make me feel better” , that may help.

    Good luck though (:

    #230663
    Victoria
    Participant

    Shelby,

    “It was causing you even more anxiety trying to keep the relationship going on top of trying to deal with your own personal issues.” – oddly enough just this sentence has made me feel validated to some degree I made the right decision, because I am so tired of people not understanding and just looking concerned. At this point if anyone asks why I just give a brief answer, at the end of the day its none of their business anyway.

    “In a way, we are where we are and must play the cards we have been dealt. But I donā€™t want to play this game, I donā€™t want to play at all. ” – yes same (:

    “A month ago I wanted more from my ex and it was tough but I was still a lot happier than I am now. This is not fun.”- The positive is that you can recognise that you have made progress, just think in a months time you’ll be feeling even better. I think even if we don’t believe that we have to try to.

    “A friend I met yesterday evening said that my ex doesnā€™t deserve me. He said that for all his talk of being afraid and unable to make a decision, if he loved me the way I loved him, he would have picked up the phone. It was hard to hear.” – I dont like it when people tell me someone doesn’t deserve me because I always never know why and if so then what do they deserve? haha But I am sure ex has thought about you and may have even considered reaching out, but weather they havent because they dont care (which is a hard reality to realise) or because they don’t believe it would help or add anything new. The more you dont hear from your ex the more progress you will make.

    “I actually donā€™t know what I would do if I didnā€™t have this forum to post on with people who understand.” – ditto, I have some friends who have listened to me vent but everyone is rather busy with their own stuff and ultimately people see it as theyll listen to me but if I really am feeling like my world is crumbling I need to see a therapist. When sometimes all ive needed is someone to ask how am I today. But I am becoming stronger for it even if some days it doesnt feel like it.

    #230665
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Is there any way to delete or edit my long post about my relationship? Even though I am aware my ex or anyone I know will never see it there are aspects of the post that were difficult for me to be public about. If it could be shortened or removed I would appreciate it.

    ,

    V

    #230671
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @anita,

    Is that a good or bad emotional payoff do you think?

    Victoria,

    I do hope you are doing ok today. You seem to be a lot more grounded that you possibly realise, I admire your resilience. The pain and anxiety for me has eased this afternoon, as it often does around this time of day for some reason. Now Iā€™m trying to get planning to keep myself occupied tomorrow.

    I feel therapy is really important and more people should avail of it if they can do so. But at the moment I feel that everyone is saying itā€™ll only take time to heal.

     

    Shelby x

     

     

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