hi! good

How’s it going Griff?

More or less the same. I spoke to my therapist about how I was feeling and weirdly enough he said he thinks I should try to open a dialogue with my ex. I was pretty surprised by that because everyone else in my life has been saying “she’s made it clear how she feels, just leave her alone and move on” but weirdly the motivation behind them saying that and my therapist saying I should get in touch with her is the same, i.e. they all are confident that she’d reject me again, but while my family/friends are trying to spare me that, my therapist thinks that maybe I need to try that one more time before I can accept it.

But I don’t really want to do that (well… I do, my base instinct is to open any dialogue at all and get down on my knees and beg, but I mean when I think logically) because I feel like if I don’t bother her and just wait she’ll come to her senses… but then I suppose that proves I’m not accepting it and maybe waiting around for her and torturing myself isn’t a good idea. But I almost don’t want to accept it because that feels like giving up, and I love her, and love isn’t ‘disposable’ like that.

Basically I’m very conflicted on what is the right thing to do. I don’t know how to carry on with my life.

Hey Kkasxo.    Sounds like the tablets have really helped give you the breathing space you needed – and just getting decent sleep will make a huge difference. Everyone has up and down days, that’s just normal….some days you feel you can handle the world and others you’re just happy to make it through and crawl onto the sofa at the end of the day!

The trick to it I’ve found is to recognise that it’s just that you’re just having a bad day – it doesn’t mean that everything is wrong/bad. I’ve learned (painfully….is there apparently any other way??! ) to only make decisions/choices whilst I am in a good place as that is when I am balanced, able to consider clearly what I think is best based on what I know at the time.  If I try to make decisions when I’m down/stressed then they tend to be governed by fear, uncertainty. So now if I start to feel that happening, I’ll stop even trying to decide, let go of trying to be in control and I’ll just wait it out until I’m in the right place to do so.  So turning off your phone and vegging out instead, distracting yourself away from the worry was perfect, nice work.  In a few days, if not already, you will be back up and feel very differently about it again.  The decision’s made, you know you are going to give you guys one last proper try and see what happens. If you need something to think about instead, then spend your time thinking about what will be the deal-breakers for you, establishing your personal boundaries ahead as a positive way to know you will be ok, that you are still looking after yourself whilst still being brave enough to go ahead.

Wales sounds great with the friend, hope you get that sorted out. We always try to go to places in the so-called shoulder season, much cheaper, less crowded and the weather’s usually still good. Travel ‘hacking’ is another way to make travel much cheaper too – e.g. our flights back from Granada are costing us £7.50 each since we’ve used credit card points to buy them through BA’s reward scheme. Likewise – house-sitting is an amazing way to stay places you couldn’t afford to rent and since they are homes, very easy to live cheaply in whilst indulging in a few beers in a sunny cafe.  Like everything in life, once you look outside the ‘normal’ ways of doing things, there are so many different ways of living, it’s very eye-opening…..and addictive!

Griff.  You sound like you are where I was at 3-6 months after my awful split. I basically spent that time getting back into amazing physical shape as that was the one clue he’d given to me as to why he didn’t love/want me anymore. I was convinced that by doing so he would see the light, realise how much he had missed me and how desirable I really was etc.  When I got back in touch with him it was exactly what I needed to hear, if not what I wanted. The emotional distance in him just spoke direct to the part of me that logic/reason couldn’t reach – he had moved on entirely and in reality just wasn’t even ‘my’ guy anymore.  So it’s going to be scary but I absolutely understand where you are at and that at some point you will need to reach out to her to do the same. Sooner is better for you, as once done, there is no choice but to face forwards. But only when you are ready. I’m glad you have a found a good therapist to help you through this.  Looking back now, I can see clearly the early signs it was coming as I was very insecure, dependent in the relationship but at the time I thought it was amazing and was likewise completely blind-sided.  You don’t need to stop loving her, you are right, your love for her doesn’t just disappear because she no longer wants you. But at some point it does change into being grateful for having had the relationship, having had that love but now fully recognising the reality that it is in the past, not your future.

Hope helps, wish you well.

Well done on sticking it out for the masters, I know how tough they are – I’d had more than enough study by the time I finished my BSc for sure.  Is the industry in general not paid well or just this particular employer/role?  As in can you look to move jobs or take on management positions etc or is it as good as it gets?  There’s some interesting data published around on the difference in wages of people move roles/jobs every couple years in the early days of working vs those who stay in the same place. Seems staying put and relying on wage increases/promotions doesn’t do you any favours if you want to be better paid and I’d have to say it’s very true in my industry but obviously I don’t know if yours is the same way.

But yeah, I think it’s pretty natural to want to feel you are progressing, even if just a tiny bit, each month/year rather than still just treading water. It’s tiring, right. If I thought you had any spare time I’d suggest you read some of the FIRE ( Financial Independence, Retire Early ) blogs, they have some great advice on escaping from that loop and it’s pretty inspiring stuff. It’s how I’m doing what I’m doing now so I may be a little biased here…but happy to share more if interested. Funnily enough, it’s not that different to relationship type advice, i.e. deal with reality not how you wish things were, do what can be done and don’t try to control what can’t be controlled.

What has surprised you about your ex recently ( ignoring he whole South American side-trip business!)?  I think there’s a difference between feeling genuinely surprised or figuring out if it’s more like just disappointed or even anger or fear, all of which would be understandable. It’s useful to know which you really feel as it can help you figure out what response is best to deal with it before simply reacting to whatever happened/didn’t happen.

I don’t think you can ever successfully pretend to be something you are not, not for long anyway.  So yes, you are who you are and you aren’t naturally strong, resilient or secure now. I wasn’t either, remember. But what’s incredibly powerful is knowing that, accepting that – and then still doing the brave thing anyway, like your Aus trip, like not getting anxious over your ex.  It means you are stronger than a naturally confident person – think about it, they aren’t facing their fears all the time, they are just being themselves.  But each time you face and conquer a fear, it gets easier the next time, it loses it’s power over you.  There’s nothing brave or courageous about doing something if you aren’t scared of it in the first place. It’s much smarter to know the risks and then decide that they are worth it.

Last thought for today – it is worth spending the time to make sure you are facing the right fear. For example, planning a trip to Aus is awesome – so long as it isn’t because it is easier/less scary than dealing with issues with work/life at home. Likewise, trying again with your ex is a brave decision since you can’t know how it will turn out this time – so long as you aren’t trying again as the fear of giving up on this relationship is greater than the fear of trying. Make sense?

Hey Shelby,

Not too surprised no, but disappointed for you, know you wanted it to turn out differently this time around.

Take care, we’re here as/when you need us.