@shelbyville,

How are you doing? I haven’t heard from you in a little while! I hope all is well and you are giving yourself the well deserved rest following a busy period!

Hey Griff.

Understand completely about how you feel about how it would have been easier if she had died.  That way, you would ‘only’ be dealing with the loss of her whereas you are dealing with the pain of being rejected and losing your whole life that was built around her as well as herself. It’s a triple-whammy and hits co-dependent, low self-esteem people particularly hard.

Be assured though, having felt ok for a while, you will do so again. You are going through one more loop of facing the fear of having to accept this change.  Your brain is screaming at you to return to the known safety and comfort of your old life whilst simultaneously knowing it can’t. I went through many such loops but they lessened in both intensity and frequency eventually with time.  Eventually it becomes more of a dull sadness with acceptance and for me, eventually gratitude as part of determining who and where I am today.

So wait it out and try to accept the fear – the more you fight it the longer it lasts and the stronger it gets. It is scary, your whole life has been turned upside down and so no wonder you are looking to cling to what what was, what was safe. Did something happen that especially spooked you, made you feel insecure in your new life? It often triggers such a loop of wanting to go backwards. But you are ok, you are doing ok at times, that is better than before. And so try to recognise this is as much about wanting to feel safe & secure again, as you did in your old life than it is about wanting her, though I understand the two are tightly wrapped together in your mind at the moment. Talk about your fears to others, on here, recognising and naming them and working through them is a way to weaken their grip on you.

Take care and let us know how you get on, good and bad.

@Shelby. Yes, that’s me, onwards and upwards! Well, life is short as we’ve said so always trying to make the most of what I spend my time on and they were bargain flights.

That’s families for you, we’ll just politely ignore all that and move on shall we…..back to normal please…glad no lasting damage though. And happy to hear you are back at therapy, hope it goes well and you have a good recovery day today.

Hey Shelby.  Not too surprising about therapy I guess but your therapist should know when you are ready for a gentle push.  I imagine going forwards is still too scary for you for now.

What I have done in the past to help loosen fear is to pick one small, tiny thing unrelated to what I was scared of at the time, something I would normally have decided wasn’t worth being assertive or confident on, letting it go or agreed to for the sake of not causing a confrontation with others or myself. And so I would pick this one tiny thing and then use it to practice, to show myself that I could do something scary and the world wouldn’t and didn’t cave in ( slight exaggeration clearly but you get the idea 😉 ). So it might have been as simple as speaking up in a big meeting, aware I’d be blushing madly, stomach screwed up in anxiety at doing so, that I was going to look stupid. But I’d do it anyway and sure enough, the world was fine, people would comment or not, the meeting carried on, I was fine.  Sounds stupid now but back then it was incredibly hard for me to think my opinion mattered, let alone stand up for it. But each time you do a small thing like that, it’s such a boost to your self-esteem to know you conquered it and it lessens the power of fear over you in all areas of your life.

Perhaps that’s why you have plateaued now with therapy. Progress and growth is a mixture of learning and directed action.  Like training for a marathon, all the time in the world spent reading and talking to others for advice about how to train, what to eat, what trainers were best etc, would not get my feet actually on the road and running. Likewise, if I just dived in with no idea what I was doing, what my aim was and how I would be able to measure progress I’d probably make it through a couple of runs and then give up. It’s the combination of being able to take the learnings and advice, individually assess them as to your own values and come up with what you think is right for you – and then crucially – taking action.  It’s only by combining action with learning/thinking that we move forwards.  Worth thinking about and perhaps discussing with your therapist next time perhaps.

I’m sure Kkasxo is doing ok, she is stronger than she knows even if she is panicking right about now about the impending house and family move. Be good to hear some of her funny and intelligent comments though for sure.

How’s it going Griff?

Good evening all,

Ever so sorry about the recent silence! It has been ever so hectic in Kammy world but I promise to catch up on all your posts and reply properly!

So the low down on Kammy world! Here comes! I continued keeping busy looking for my place as that was top priority, viewings upon viewings and it got so tiring in the end. Things with Mr A we’re so up and down, as per usual, I got to a point where I just withdrew myself from the situation and focused on me and bam! He found a flat and put down a deposit… for us. Well what a bold statement Mr A! To my surprise, I actually fell in love with the place which was strange as every other place I had viewed was always ‘lovely’ or ‘nice’ But not home. This place I can picture being home, it feels like home.

So ladies, as wary as I am, big test is coming my way and fast approaching with our move in date of the 3rd of June.

The situation itself is full of humour if you ask me. I continuously tell him that WHEN (not if) we split up, he needs to do blah blah blah. I also have the everyday moment of doubt like ‘what the hell are you doing Kam?!’ But on the other hand I have little inklings of excitement (mainly because I LOVE the flat, don’t know how I feel about my room mate to be though hehe).

Having discussed this with a few friends I’ve come to the conclusion that the worst has already passed. This is a test and the last one at that as I KNOW this is absolutely the last straw for us. We NEED to be away from his family to even remotely give things a go and that will not happen unless we move. And the back and forth of the situation of the last few months is absolutely not on anymore. I’m so tired of it, it just cannot continue. So we either give things a go and properly, or we do not. Either way, I’m of the view that this will make things absolutely crystal clear for the both of us. It will either work or it will not work. The decision to be together or not will show itself in the process.

Epiphany moment approaching. I’ll either be pleasantly surprised or I’ll never doubt my gut feeling again. Lessons.

I am nervous, anxious, but at the same time SO relieved that the end to this horrid chapter of my life is coming.

Plus if/when we do split, hopefully I would’ve already adjusted to the idea of living on my own so it won’t be like going cold turkey moving alone & away from family. So I guess that’s a perk too right?

Do I think I’m stupid? Possibly. Do I think this will work? Erm, I’m apprehensive. Do I think this is the right thing to do? Oh who knows girls! I’m absolutely winging this one!

On another note, my therapy course is coming to an end an I am finding myself pondering about how far I’ve actually come… and if I’ve made any progress at all?! Hmm..

Shelby, how have you been?! What is new with you? Is the ex back from his holiday now? How is your make up course? How is work? Have you booked that holiday to OZ yet?! I can’t wait to hear from you!

Michelle, I am so jealous that you’ve got yet another holiday booked! Such a free spirit, I wish I could travel that much! How does it feel being back in the U.K.? The weather’s been so horrible since last weekend, so up and down, gave us a little taster of summer with the 25 degrees over the Easter weekend and then started pelting with rain for the remainder of the week!

P.S I’ve missed you girls! I can’t go this long without communicating with you guys anymore!

Michelle,

I can absolutely imagine that you worked your a** off to get here but how rewarding! What a wonderful place to be knowing that you can live a free life exploring the world, different people, different countries. Sounds like pure bliss to me!

It’s interesting you mentioned that you can’t be stuck too long doing things that clearly have no value, oh my how I can relate! I think if it weren’t for my current job i’d be out there exploring too and away from the mundane everyday life. Please send us updates as you do! So apart from Granada, any more trips planned this year?

Yes Kammy world is definitely up and down at the moment but although my doubts keep creeping up I am also trying to find positives. Like you mentioned, at least I will be settled and feel ‘at home’ when my family finally leave! And yes, we’ve all got our own mistakes to make, do I think this is one? Potentially. But perhaps it’s one I need to make who knows. I’m trying not to allow my overthinking to take over right now, proving difficult but trying nonetheless.

Going to Ikea to get bits for the flat is extremely satisfying though!