Hi both, sorry for the silence, long trek back from Vietnam to England, home safely now. It’s cold…but at least it’s sunny.

Kkasxo – I don’t think anything can ever really prepare you for the shocking reality of death, it’s inescapability, the finality. Well done on still being strong enough to provide such help and support in their time of need, it made a difference and that is invaluable.  I think death is such a kick to us all to make the most of life, living truly and honestly as anything else is a waste.  No, you aren’t over-reacting about your ex’s(?) reaction in my mind anyway – actions speak loudest and he clearly prioritised his fun over supporting you with your pain. Not exactly ideal for the support you’d want from a long-term, loving relationship, can understand entirely why that reality would hurt, especially at a low point you just don’t need that.  As ever, here if you need me, if I can help.

Shelby, how goes it now? It’s good he’s texting you etc at least, that has to be better communication than before?  I didn’t really understand what you meant by this bit though ” I guess I just feel sad that no-one has any hope whatsoever for myself and my ex and I guess that hurts because it makes me feel like I’m less than I am.”??  One, it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks, sure we all don’t want to see you get hurt again since we can see no reason/evidence that either of you has changed to think that it will end differently this time around – but we aren’t you, it’s only you and him who need to have hope. There is no reason you would be any less of a person if it breaks up again than before??  It’s not like because he rejects you, you become worth less in any else’s view?? What am I misunderstanding here?

Hi all,

Welcome back Michelle! I was hoping you’d bring the weather back with you! It’s gotten so cold again..

Thank you both for your kind words regarding the help I offered to the bereaved family.. I suppose it was the least I could’ve done in that situation!

I’m glad that you agree I am not being out of order about the lack of support from mr asshole – that’ll be his new name from now on. I think the close experience with death has opened up my eyes in some sense. I think I needed him around in that time more than I originally anticipated, and the lack of support has left me really bitter and questioning how I could ever possibly rely on him in times of crisis, because the reality is that I can’t. And is there really any use to walk through life hand in hand with someone who is never really going to help you in times of hardship? The reality is, life is shitty, brutal and unfair most of the time so it is so important to have someone you can really count on.

I think the last few months back in contact with him have been a very strange experience for me. It was like getting to know a new and completely different person. Not the same person I was with for so many years. There have been so many situations which I would’ve absolutely vouched that he would’ve never done that, and he has. And I think it’s all added up to be a bit of a shock that he’s turned out to be everything that I thought he was not. Quite frankly, not someone that I even like at this point… So doubts are very much setting in right now and I’m finding myself questioning why it has been such a struggle to let go of him up until this point. How much more really has to happen for me to be like okay enough is enough now?

Shelby – there will be a funeral but it is taking place abroad as the family have chosen to transport the body to the country of origin (so the poor lady can be buried with her family) so I don’t think I’m going to be able to go to that.

I took your advice and tried the communication route last night, I think at some point his defence mechanism kicked in and it was very clear the conversation couldn’t go any further. I left him today with the note of ‘I don’t think this is working right now. I think you have a lot to think about, as do I’ so that’s that.

I know what you mean about feeling less than when everyone around you is so against the idea of you two reconciling.. I know because everyone around me seems to think the same of me & my ex. Naturally, the people who love and care for you don’t want you to be hurt and let’s be honest, this guy doesn’t have a great track record of not hurting you right? However, ultimately it is YOUR decision, YOUR life and those who want to remain a part of it will have to accept your choices. Hopefully, if your relationship with him continues, with time it’ll become easier!

Hey Kkasxo – top timing – your post came through just as I pressed submit here!

I love your ex’s/non-ex new name – subtle and evocative…did make me laugh. Though aware it’s not funny at all and you’ve described it perfectly, the opening of your eyes to the reality of him – it’s been coming through louder and louder in your posts this year, which is why I was curious if he was making you happier overall or not. Understand the deep connection from the past but I think it’s a big step you can recognise both the good and the bad – essentially the reality and not just what you wish it was/could be. Huge huge step.  And good job on trying to talk to him about it, does sound like he needs to decide if he wants to grow or not. Absolutely spot on about the what’s the point of him being your life partner if not, I know 200% my partner will be there for me if I really need him, even when I’m not great at accepting help, and he’s not just there for the good times.  Let’s see what he comes back with.  Really good to hear from you as ever.

I did try to pack some sunshine but customs wouldn’t let me bring it through…..sorry! It’s so quiet back here too having got used to the soundtrack of Vietnam – and so expensive! But it’s lovely being back in our home, though odd how much stuff you feel you have after living out of a backpack for the last 8 weeks!

Yes, I’m lucky but it also took me a long time to trust in it again having thought I had it before, bit like you in your current relationship. I think it’s another of those irritating old sayings that turn out to be true – you either grow together or you you grow apart or you get stuck and unhappy in not growing. Over the 18 years – 19 years next week actually! – that we’ve been together we’ve both changed and grown a lot – and what’s important is that whilst yes, we have been there for each other, we’ve also made each other face our own issues and grow through them.

I share this not in the “hey I’m so smug, we’re so awesome”, you hopefully know me better than to expect that and I wouldn’t in anyway claim we’ve done this well at all times! But to share my experience of how the full, enriching experience of a honest partnership takes effort, takes growth, it isn’t the magical Disney ending so often portrayed etc. It was what didn’t happen in my first relationship and it sounds like where you are now – you are growing, dealing as best you can and he is standing still/going backwards, running away instead of forwards. Keep talking to him, honest and open communication although scary is the only way to find out if he is prepared to grow up with you or if he wants to stay as he is. No, I don’t think he has worn a mask all this time, it’s impossible – but I do think you only see some sides of people when you go through tough situations. You know, some people rise to the occasion, some hide etc. How many couples do you know who are fantastic in the good times but fall to bits when inevitably the various challenges life likes to throw at us arise.  I think that’s where you guys are at – especially since you are both dealing with this trauma still as well as all the current stress about finding a new home, losing your family. Glad you have a back-up offer from your friend on that front, must be comforting.

On the trip front, plan on enjoying our own home and the British summer with lots of cycling  (?! ) mostly before escaping again late Aug/Sept – Nov. But I do have a week in Granada coming up start of May – I’m not especially a city person but Granada ( and Prague in Winter, Christmas markets, mmmm! ) is one of my favourite cities I’ve been to yet – the moorish architecture, the Alhambra, the mountain setting and the tapas tradition is just irresistible…..literally!

Kkasxo, glad you understood where I was coming from. It’s not always easy but so worth it.  I’m actually glad to hear you can recognise you don’t love Mr Arsehole ( I’m going to short-cut him to Mr A2 I think !) , as I figure admitting that must be pretty scary.  It may be a rough patch – for sure we’ve had them and cards on table I’ve had times I didn’t think it was going to work out for us – and it was only by talking, being willing to listen, being open to seeing things differently and as importantly acting on them we’ve grown into what we are now, though at the grand old age of 43 I’m sure I still have a lot to learn yet!  But it’s that last bit about acting on them which as you identified is so important – people can say all the right things and in agree in theory but it’s actions that count and they count the most when you actually face those situations.  Which is why it’s so painful to see Mr A2  everytime a situation comes up for you guys these days not Mr A1. It’s worth all the effort to find out if Mr A1 is still in there but if he’s not open to talking further, that’s going to be hard. I’d just continue to be clear from your side as to what is ok and what isn’t, without recriminations or accusations, just as facts. I.e. a behaviour isn’t ‘wrong’ per se, it just isn’t a behaviour you expect from a partner in your life. So his choice is to either stay the same or recognise that continuing that behaviour has the eventual consequence of losing your love.

Shelby – you do know it’s ok to say no right… that’s a lot on and time to yourself is as important as helping others. I’d have a stab at working out how much time you want for yourself, even if you have plans to do anything with it – else you are going to be burned out and resentful before you know it, if not already.

I wasn’t actually even thinking about you finding someone else like me, you are clearly still wrapped up in this current guy. I was interested to understand what the gaps actually were between what you want from this relationship and what he doesn’t. If I understand correctly, the reason you split before was that he couldn’t commit to moving in with you – had you also discussed children, do you know if he wants them or not?  Has he actually said he doesn’t want to live with you?  What are your expectations of living together vs his – i.e. I assume he’d still want to run off and do these kinds of trips with family, all his current life commitments. Are you expecting that to change if you lived together?  A lot of questions! Just trying to help drill down into how you see your ideal future together to be able to understand how it compares to the reality of what is on offer from this guy. Take care eh, put those feet up at some point..

Hey Shelby.

Well not knowing is better than an outright no in some ways, though obviously an outright no would have set you free from wondering. Sounds like his standard operation is to run away from things that scare/challenge him, not an ideal trait for a life-term partner, bit like Mr A2… Do you happen to know why he finds the idea scary – is it the commitment required or the changes he envisions the lifestyle changes would bring. I wouldn’t be surprised if he sees living with you/having a child as a potential huge restriction on his current freedom. I’m guessing you may have an in-built expectation in your dream of your future life that he would change, spend more/most of his time at home with you and your family which he has probably picked up on.  Do you think you would be happy living together & with your child if he still left to go on multiple trips/support his family etc. It may help reduce his fear if you can describe together a positive view of how you could be together and he still has his freedom when needed.

I understand not wanting to give up on the dream, on the potential. But in all honesty, I think the interesting question for you is thinking about how long do you wait. How long do you continue to hope, to go round these circles with him, hoping for him to be ready??  Is there a limit at all or do you hold on until the end of your life? Do you think you’d still be ok that it was the best choice for your life??

I’m not saying at all you need to choose to give him up now, not at all, always your choice and I understand that holding on to that hope is better for you right now than facing your fears you may end up alone.  But it may be worth thinking about how much of your life you are prepared to give up whilst you do hang on in hope and see how it goes. I guess at some point realistically the waiting will be too long for a biological child yourself, so do you see yourself still waiting and adopting if/when he decides he is ready? Or is staying childless and hopefully being with him going to be ok with you you think? I guess what I’m thinking is that when I’ve been in tough or scary circumstances I’ve given it a time limit to improve or for me to adjust – and if nothing has changed that’s when I’ll know it’s time to move on, having given it my absolute best.  How much more of your life do you think you want to invest in this particular path?

See – I’m rambling now! I forgot to say, it’s Granada in south Spain, not the Caribbean – but maybe some time! I have trekked round Equador and if it’s anything to go by I can imagine how stunning your man’s photo’s are, it was an awesome place. Is he doing Machu Pichu?  It was actually our first ever house-sit, something you could think about doing in Aus/NZ if interested as it’s very popular there – free accommodation in return for looking after someone’s place and often their pets. Win/win!

Shelby & Michelle,

It is an interesting concept, when is enough really enough? How much time is enough time to wait? Where do we draw the line?

Shelby, it’s interesting that you say you thought you had reached your time limit, twice, and yet you keep going. I can relate to this although not with break ups (as we have only had one split) more with the chances or rather things I apparently continue to oversee in my ex partner. This has become more apparent to me in the last few days and I’m not sure if either really not enough has happened for me to be urged to walk away, or if I am just simply deluded and I can’t reapect myself enough to walk away from him.

I can hand on heart tell you that the last few months of ‘trying’ with my ex have been full of trials and tribulations and in the process of it all I have built up a lot of resentment towards him. After all, he is now Mr A2, no longer my A1 that I loved and cherished so dearly. I worry the same may happen to you if you continue this unknown situationship with your ex. Then again, I realise that probably isn’t much of an excuse to walk away either, nothing seems to be (for me or you!).

I don’t know exactly how you feel about this but for me personally, when I try to look at my situation from an outsiders point of view, it makes me sad. I am clearly not aware of any self worth, I’m clearly quite happy to be walked all over with my needs/wants ignored while I tag along adjusting and giving my all to anyone and everyone. It’s quite a sad sight.

I hope you get the rest that you need having been so busy this week!