Kkasxo,

You sound exactly like me! That’s the most thing people keep saying to me….that I want to be in the future already and I just need patience. Patience is always something I have struggled with and patience in the midst of hell, is an even bigger challenge.

I don’t know if we’ll ever feel better. People say we will, so they can’t all be lying, but at the same time, it’s not going to happen today or tomorrow. Today is exactly three weeks for me with zero contact and I’m still struggling as people on the forum can see, I regularly post when I’m in the depths. But at the moment, is it as bad as an hour after the breakup…probably not? I’m typing, I’m working, Im not crying, so I guess time does work to a certain extent. But my therapist says grief works in waves, so I appreciate the moment I’m at now where I feel less horrendous than I normally do, but I’m under no illusion that I feel better as it could hit me like a brick again tomorrow morning.

I just wish I could get a handle on the anxiety element of it, but my brother said last night the anxiety is connected to the heartbreak and when the heartbreak eases, so too will the anxiety.

I have organised my therapist for later and also have a class, so that will get me through this eve and tomorrow I will think about tomorrow.

Fall into bed after work if you want, you’re entitled to. Or maybe go to the gym and punch something. Whatever works for you.

Kkasxo,

I have been seeing my therapist really since the previous break-up with my ex and I feel apart then. WAY worse than now actually in a mental health sense as I had a lot more of my own stuff back then that I didn’t even realise I had to deal with. But since then I have dealt with a lot and genuinely, it sounds cheesy, but I have grown and worked through many things.

Essentially the way I look at it is this, if I have tummy trouble I go to a gastroenterologist, if I have a back problem I would go to an orthopaedic expert. I have a mind problem, so I’m going to an expert in all matters of the mind. They have seen dozens of us before and people with some extreme struggles, they know how to navigate these things and their best interest is YOU and your wellbeing and getting you back on track, so it helps to know someone is invested in getting you to feel better.

That being said, it has to be someone you click with and that you develop a good rapport with. I went to one guy first and he was not my cuppa tea! Really didn’t have an approach that worked for me, but then after that I found the right person for me. Someone who makes you feel normal when you think you’re going off the rails!

We broke up before for much the same reason, he couldn’t move forward and commit. However, the first time I was very unsure of what was happening and I didn’t understand much about relationships or emotions for that matter. I didn’t know myself at that stage that I wanted to be with him long term, I just wanted a little more commitment than he was giving me. It was only in the years since I felt more and more and realised I wanted the whole nine yards with him. Not in general, but just with him.

There was zero contact between us the last time for months, but as I worked on recovering I felt a gnawing loose thread that I couldn’t quell. I hadn’t really got the kind of closure I needed I suppose. So I contacted him and we just kind of hung out, no talk of break up, but enjoyed hanging out again and it went from there.

When we got back together, I was happy and I genuinely thought that was enough for me. I just wanted him as my partner, and that was good enough for me. Until it wasn’t, the more love I felt for him, an innate need for more kicked in again, so I practiced as much patience as I could and understanding as I could and I thought we were slowly but surely getting there. I learned a lot about psychology etc and felt I understood him and perhaps what his issue might be.

In the end, he tried but it was too much for him. He was afraid and could go no further. So he ended it claiming he is meant to be on his own. With no-one. We didn’t know what to expect when we got back together before and we thought it would be the last time we’d ever have to go through the pain of a split.

Now we are more aware, I know there is no way he would change his mind. He is not as open with emotion as me, so his rational brain will be thinking far more than my messy heart.

I don’t expect to ever hear from him again. Which is heart wrenching when you think of someone having a family with you one day. But that’s basically it. I don’t want to be without him, but I can’t be with him. It’s like a cruel life test.

How are you managing the evening? I just bought some chips. I’m not sorry!

Kkasxo,

I probably should have reached out, I don’t know why I’m so hesitant with these things. My decision-making ability is shot at the moment, simple decision stump me and I have to get others to tell me what to do. All part of them anxiety I guess and no confidence in my own decisions. I have to confess I don’t have Netflix, he had it and he set up an account on his for me. So right now, I’m a little lost. I guess I just need to pass the hours, but it’s so draining and exhausting having to constantly fill your time.

Well done on going to the wedding, that’s incredible. You are very strong. Will he be attending? If so, that’s tough and I hope you manage to get through the weekend with as little trauma as possible.

I look forward to you posting again when you’re back!

Kkasxo,

I absolutely should reach out because I genuinely can’t bear to be on my own at all at the moment and the fact I have not organised any plans yet is adding to my anxiety – you would think that would push me to do something about it. I actually hate feeling like this. I honestly will have a new appreciation for anyone I meet in the future who is going through heartbreak.

As for Netflix, maybe I will download it. It’s just the association I guess, which is silly I know. Do you find you can follow a story line or do you get distracted by it?

As for the wedding, I faced the same situation this morning, someone I hadn’t seen for a while asked how I am and then asked how himself is. I didn’t get into it, I just said fine and changed the subject. I wasn’t going to get into it.

@anita,

I believe the innate desire was to have a family and future with my ex. Is that not normal when you fall in love with someone? Or is it something else?

Thanks,

S