Good morning all,

Shelby – yes perhaps I will re-think the house/flat share situation. I guess it would be easier on me financially so that way I could prevent any more unnecessary stress.. who knows! Regarding your ex, although we can be understanding that his father has fallen ill, lets be honest here, this isn’t the first time he has had other commitments right? Sounds to me like not much has changed in terms of his family relations.. that is a red flag. Nonetheless, one I would probably ignore in my instance as I seem to be all about ignoring red flags and gut feelings even until this day, out of stupidity? Who knows!

Michelle – That is exactly it. I need to try my best to live in the here and now and the circumstances I am currently faced with rather than the what if’s of what could or should potentially happen. Potential isn’t going to give me a roof over my head or a happy life right?! It’s just had because I really do feel this is a major next step in my life and feel very alone in this.

Griff – Welcome! Everyone is always welcome 🙂 I’ve read your post here and would just like to drop in some insight from the experience of a woman who has those exact same wants and needs (marriage, family, children, home) and also has had those ignored for nearly 4 years because ‘he is not in a rush’. I must admit, there is only so much a person can live off ‘hope’ that one day something is going to happen without any action in the day in/day out to work towards it. It sounds to me like your girlfriend just got fed up of the waiting game, sort of where I am at right now.. It is all well and good to say that NOW you are ready, but perhaps she’s just outgrown the idea of waiting on you to ever be.. It is just my opinion and obviously one that comes from a similar experience, I could be totally wrong! Nonetheless, I am sorry that you’re having to go through this and hurt!

Hey Griff – yeah ,I know, I remember all too well. All the sensible/logical things are great and they help the head but don’t take away the raw pain of dealing with loss, rejection. It just sucks for lack of a better word and there are no short cuts through the pain – but there is an end and it is does get better if you hang on to wanting a good future for yourself and cling to staying open to you can have it.

If I were to hazard my 2p worth, I’d guess it was bizarrely you guys finally getting ‘serious’ that ended things from her perspective. I’ve known many people say they want something and when offered it, then realise actually they don’t want it after all – which is why you guys trundled along fine until a crunch point of “is this really my forever” etc.  It has a way of focusing minds into either a resounding ‘yes’ or else into a ‘actually, I’m not really ready and now that I’m forced to think about it, you aren’t who I picture this with if I did want it’. Rightly or wrongly, it sadly doesn’t matter.

To use Kkasxo’s great quote – accepting reality is the biggest thing – she has for whatever daft/amazing/stupid/brilliant (you get the idea of different perspectives I hope…)  decided on a future without you in it. At least you have learned more about what you do want out of life now – which has great value by itself.  Trust me, in the long run – you will appreciate her honesty in leaving than in staying together in an eventually unhappy relationship. It just won’t feel that way for a while. Make the most of those friends around you, they are invaluable.

Hey Kkasxo – absolutely!!!  One of my old boss’s had a perfect expression for it – ” hope is not a strategy or a plan”.  So whilst absolutely, if you still love this ex guy then ofcourse you hope that maybe at some point you will end up back happy together on your own sofa in your own place being happy together. In the meantime though, you deal with reality and get yourself a home sorted. A flat/house share or your own place is not a “forever until you die” choice……very few such choices are……..but it takes out one high priority concern you need to tackle. Then it’s on to the next. And so on and so on. One thing at a time, based on the best we know at the time.

Seriously, most of the stuff I have done with my life so far I would never have imagined being capable or confident enough to do – but I am not special or amazing, it’s just being able to do one thing at a time, moving forwards with things that I know helps towards my overall goals.  And you are right, I’m just so happy now, life can be truly absolutely amazing as well as s**t – just stay open to that hope, if nothing else, and move forwards.

Michelle – Thank you for that, I guess that’s exactly what happened: we got to that crunch point, I decided on a resounding ‘yes’ and unfortunately she went the other way. And yea it’s good that I know what I want now, I just can’t imagine at the moment having it with anyone but her, but I suppose that’s probably to be expected right now.

Kkasxo – Yea that’s a good point, I’ve often heard that women mature faster than men anyway and if you throw in the woman being one year older then I can definitely see how that would become an issue. But then I keep coming back to why did she spend those years waiting for me to be what she wanted then break up with me at the point that I started to become it? But I suppose that relates back to Michelle’s point that for whatever reason when it got to the “ok this is serious now” point she realised she didn’t want it. And I guess that’s the part I’ll never get an explanation for, and (based on the few conversations I’ve had with her since) I don’t think she even knows the reason herself, other than “it wasn’t right”.

I’d also like to add, for anyone who comes across this, I’ve found the app ‘Headspace’ very helpful. It’s created by a guy who used to be a Buddhist monk but he realised that lots of people wanted to learn meditation without the religious aspect. It just gives you daily exercises to practice meditation/mindfulness. Unfortunately for me it was actually my ex who put me on to it so I stopped doing it after we broke up as it reminded me too much of her, but I’ve gotten back into it recently and I’ve found that the ‘grief’ sessions on there are really helpful for what I’m going through and the regular sessions had been helping my anxieties greatly before I stopped.

Morning all,

I hope all is well?!

Hi I’ve never posted before but 2 months ago I found myself in a totally new and distressing situation when my husband of nearly 17 years walked out on me without warning.  I thought that by now I would be feeling stronger and yet I don’t seem to.  The weeks come and go and I am still reeling between shock, anger and pain like i didn’t know it was possible to feel.  I would really like to hear from anyone that has been through something similar and managed to find a way back to some feelings of peace.  Feeling calm again seems like an impossible thing to ever achieve again.

Any advice?

Hi all,

Just joining this community. My partner and I split up just over two weeks ago. We were together for six years, and lived together. The decision was mutual but more mine than hers – I had been having doubts about our relationship for years, and in the end, I just couldn’t let go of them. I felt enormous relief for a week or so, but now the grief of having lost my partner of six years is really settling in, and I feel overwhelmed by pain so much of the time. Though perhaps our relationship had to end (I’m not sure), there was so much good in it – we really loved each other well, were very good to each other, and had a pretty happy life together in most ways. I know rationally that I won’t feel this pain forever, but it is really, really, really hard to believe it in the moment, when I feel so sad I can hardly breathe.

Anyway, just here for the healing. Looking forward to talking more with all of you.

Evening all,

Welcome to the forum Trio! Sorry to hear about your pain, don’t we all know it so well! I look forward to hearing some more from you!

I’m no better off at the moment. Feeling more and more anxious about my living situation as it is fast approaching. My ex keeps repeating that he is moving with me in June but I just KNOW that is not happening. Last night I had a very upfront and serious conversation with him about all the pain he has already caused and the trauma that he contributed to and I am having a hard time healing from and that him continuously repeating this ‘plan’ to move in June and then not pull through with it would actually make him a sick person. I have told him quite openly that as it stands he has already destroyed me and my life as I knew it, if he adds this one additional thing into the equation then God I really do hope karma catches up with him one day, because at that point I will be homeless.

I am still trying to continue my search by myself, although if I’m honest that hasn’t taken me very far. I am absolutely terrified. I don’t really know where to start. I just wish I could pause time a little..

I hope all of you are well!

Shelby, how are you getting on this week?

Michelle, I hope you are enjoying your time away and I hope to hear some more from you about your trip!

Hey all  – back in the land of wi-fi and tucked up in Cambodia….apols for the silence checking in – but it’s been just an awesome few days here. It’s another place of contrasts for sure – we can walk from our hotel out into local life one way and see buffaloes, dogs, cockerels, kids bathing in buckets, all the kind of rural Cambodian life you’d envision – and if you head out the other way, you end up in tourist town with neon flashing lights, hard-sell markets, drunk backpackers etc. Now I know a lot of people these days get a bit “travel snobbish” for lack of a better word about popular experiences but seriously – seeing the sunrise over Angkor Wat and the hugeness of it all slowly emerge will stay with me for a long time. As will today’s trip out by bicycle, surviving the crazy traffic and getting to practically deserted temples in the jungle – having to give way to elephants crossing the road!!  Hope that updates both Kkasxo & Shelby at least, been over-due!

And on that note – Kkasxo – so……why are you waiting to June to move out…isn’t that when your family actually leave? I get it may be painful financially but for peace of minds sake I’d think it would be better to find a place sooner and get settled best you can, so as to be able to deal with them leaving a little easier..?  It would also help potentially call your ex’s(?) bluff on whether he is in this with you or not before you are left homeless or worse moving in with his family.  Is he helping you look at potential places, coming up with suggestions – or is it still “too far out” for him to be doing anything as helpful as that or telling his family.  You said it yourself – you don’t believe he’s going to come through for you on this – seriously, look after yourself first, get yourself a home sorted – it is not a permanent solution and doesn’t mean you can’t/won’t move in with this guy later if that’s what you want but it will take out one of the major uncertainties coming up that you can not avoid. Dealing with it is always far less scary than not dealing with it, once you get started. Remember, one thing at a time……

Shelby m’dear…..ha, sometimes we are clearly kindred spirits of a sort! I literally gave up my job last year to take up this travelling/working lifestyle and honestly – it is nothing short of absolutely awesome – so I really really hope you go through with it as/when the time comes with or without this guy.  No, I really don’t understand why you would put yourself through this loop again but I recognise it is something you feel you have to do before being able to move on. What kind of thing are you hoping for from him – what would it take for you to be “ok” to settle with him?  Obviously I’m of the opinion that settling for “ok” is not really what life is all about – but as ever it is what you think what matters. Has it made you feel less anxious, being back in contact?

Emma – I’m so so sorry. You may or may not have read my story about break-up I shared a few pages back now – but I was likewise blind-sided by my break-up, each day hurt waking up as reality would crash back in on me. Are you ok home-wise, family, friends? Do you have people to talk to – I had some great friends who would let me go round in circles on the why it had happened. It took me a long time before I came to realise the why didn’t matter and that actually if looking back, I could see signs it wasn’t working that I’d just been oblivious to at the time, being so happy in the relationship myself. Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon – but yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, it does get better, I’m living proof having been through it and honestly, now much much happier than I ever was then.  Keep talking to people, stay open to hope and look forwards as much as possible, not backwards. Wish I could help more.

Trio – I don’t think just because you were the one who instigated the break-up means you magically become invulnerable to the pain of losing what was a big part of your life. Likely, the relief of having taken the hard decision means you are now left dealing with the resultant change to your life and getting used to a new future – which even when wanted can still be scary.  Harder when it wasn’t a clear cut “this is all bad”, but there was a reason that splitting up felt like the best way forwards to be honest with yourself and your feelings – try and remember those when you are feeling most scared about your future, it will help.

All – take care and look forwards, not backwards…