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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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Viewing 15 posts - 976 through 990 (of 2,307 total)
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  • #280641
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Yes I’m still going to therapy, it’s the one routine thing aside from work that I’m actually managing to stick to, although I wouldn’t be lying if I said I tried to come up with several excuses not to go!

    The lack of energy or interest in anything is exhausting!

    I reckon that you are at a point now where contacting your ex is not even to rekindle anything, more so it’s just to see if you’ve still got some kind of access to him should a situation arise where you need him. Sort of like me & my ex, I don’t necessarily want him around but I NEED to know that he’d be around if I needed him. It’s a load of sh**e if you ask me!

    I don’t know with the house hunting again. I’m so up and down with everything. I know I need itnlw more than ever but financially it terrifies me. I spoke with one of my seniors at work today and it appears we’ll be starting a new contract a little drive out of London for about a year/two in the oncoming months.. if so and I get allocated to that contract i’ll be moving up there and away from everyone here. It’ll be cheaper financially and maybe good for my mental space. So who knows.

    #281051
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Sorry for delay, it didn’t show up that you had posted.

    I don’t know what’s going on with me. I don’t know where I am tbh. It’s hard to figure out. I downloaded this healing course thing from a woman who was devastated by a broken heart in the U.S, but it’s all about digging deep and listening to inner voices etc and it’s not really clicking with me. I spend a good amount of time each day trying to figure out ‘what I really want’, ‘who I really am’, ‘why I haven’t been giving myself’- honestly it’s exhausting and frustrating in equal measure. I mean, what the heck does it all mean anyway? Nothing is coming to the fore, I’m not ‘realising’ things, I’m not figuring myself out. I feel like it’s just a waste, and maybe I should just go back to dealing with life like I did before I had any insight etc. I miss my ex. Some days I feel like I don’t miss it as much, other days I feel as if I need to try out to him at every available opportunity. I feel I have no direction.

    I can understand how exhausting the depressing feeling must be. I may well be on the road to that myself. What do YOU believe is the way out of it, of moving forward. Don’t think about the answer too much, I’m not talking philosophically- just asking you off the cuff- stand back- what’s the way to deal with this do you think?

    A location change could very well be the thing you need, who knows? It may take you out of the cycle you’ve been in where you are?

    #281057
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    No worries at all, I myself have been up and down and taking longer than usual to respond due to lack of energy so completely no need to apologise! I check back here everyday, even if I don’t have the energy to respond! Sometimes it’s good to take some time out.

    The first part of your response is so accurate, you have hit the nail on the head, I feel the same, exactly the same although less to do with heartbreaks as I just don’t think it has anything to do with that anymore (maybe it never did, who knows?) I think mine is more to do with just the confusion of life in general at the moment. I too am not making any conclusions, completely unable to figure myself out, I have no idea who I am and as a result I just continue ‘being’ getting on with my day sort of thing. I can relate and believe me, I know it is very very exhausting and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. As I keep saying, something needs to shift…

    I thought about your question and I honestly couldn’t tell you. I’m like 100 ideas per second nowadays most of which I’m too terrified to do anything with if I’m honest. I want to move because I feel I need that privacy and personal space to aid me in my healing journey and at the same time I don’t want to take away from myself the comfort of being able to be on my own (in my room) but not completely on my own as there are other people in the house. I think a part of me is also scared that once I do move I will completely shut myself off to the world and away from everyone because I have done that already to a major extent and don’t get me wrong although I feel it’s needed right now maybe it’s not the best thing for me in the long run? I honestly do not know, I have no answers Shelby. It’s almost like I am waiting for some big epiphany like AHA!!! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE ANSWER!!!

    Let me ask you the same question, what do YOU think is the best way to deal with your situation?

    #281087
    Michelle
    Participant

    If I may add one thing. All the thinking, digging deep and listening to your inner voice etc etc is nothing without action. And action means change, it means moving forwards, dealing with what comes as it comes. Otherwise, you are stuck in Analysis Paralysis World. Much better places to be

    #281133
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

     

    I can really empathise with how you feel, our reasons may be different for feeling this way, but the symptoms – I definitely get. I think moving away from contact with everyone might not be the best idea at the moment. I get that the way you’re feeling, it might be nicer and easier to be on your own, but I know a lot of people close to me with depression anxiety etc and isolation has only made them worse whereas being around people, however much you don’t feel like it, stops you from retreating into your head and possibly the lies it might tell you in your darkest moment.

    Keep going with the therapy and maybe say to your therapist that you feel you are dis-improving and need urgent help now and actions you can take to help improve your peace of mind. They should be able to guide you whether you need to look forward or look back to get to the bottom of things.

     

    Michelle,

    I understand to an extent what you are saying. But my feelings are not changing. I have not contacted him, I’m going to work, I’m considering travel, I have started a new course, I’m planning breaks with families and friends, I’ve started playing guitar again. I thought I was taking action. Or do you mean a different kind of action. I suppose I thought I was doing the right thing and trying to move forward and my feelings would change accordingly as everyone assures me they will, but they haven’t. Am I doing something wrong, or missing something?

    P.S thanks for contributing from your adventure!

    #281467
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I have organised to meet up with my ex this afternoon. It’s not that I believe it is the smart thing to do, but I feel like there was no point living as though I would eventually do it either. I don’t think that was any better of a route to move forward.

    Sure, it was nearly two months since I’ve spoken to him, butmy feelings hadn’t changed and I always felt it was only a matter of time before I’d contact him again. If I planned to do it one weekend, and i’d put it off, it would only be until I felt there would be a more suitable weekend. I was getting worn out from the constant limbo.

    I tried to say to myself many times that it’s over, and that I would never contact him again, but it never sank in really. I would like to be a person who feels differently, that feels I am better off alone or that one day I’ll be happy and even find someone else, but it’s not there, I just don’t feel that way.

    I don’t know how today will go, I have no idea why I really arranged it, it’s not sitting well in my tummy, but I think that might be genuine fear. If it is, so be it. I’m at the stage now, where if the outcome is complete embarrassment and brutal heartbreak to my face, then maybe I’ll suffer that to finally move on, because I guess while I’ve done a lot, my feelings towards him are not shifting and I can’t stay like this forever.

    #281469
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    I’m crossing my fingers for you and I hope today goes as well as it possibly could.

    I look forward to hearing from you x

    #281473
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey. Sorry for the more random postings these days.

    What I meant is action in line with thinking is how to progress, one without the other does not make a difference.  As you say, and are doing, your thinking is still to continue your old relationship. Be it through fear of facing a different future or of accepting change and growth, therefore any actions you take are not going to move you away from this, they will be a distraction to fill time only. This is why I suggested the ‘imagine your perfect future’ exercise – as once you can articulate what you want it becomes possible to say yes and no to what does and doesn’t help get you there.

    Take Kkasxo for example ( hope you don’t mind! ) – she is very very clear that her major goal and number one priority in life is to be a wife and mother.  Therefore it becomes much easier to plan and prioritise her actions in line with her thinking. E.g. no need or desire to focus her efforts on chasing down a career or plan out travels but to focus on becoming a healthy individual again ready to be the great wife and mother she wants to be. Step one is to find the right situation to live in and the help required to heal from her trauma so she is ready as a person for such a committed relationship. Step two, assess whether her ex is or could be such a person again or if the trust has gone and therefore that relationship will not give her what her heart desires. Which if not then makes moving on ‘easier’ as she knows it is not going to help towards her heart’s desires.  Etc etc.

    It sounds a bit pragmatic/logical and clearly it’s not as smooth sailing as all that in real life with ups/downs and back/forth/roundabouts as you go – but the clearer you acknowledge your wants/needs and truly assess reality against those  – and then most importantly take action in line with that ( even if & especially when it means facing up to the scary things you don’t want to deal with )  – that’s when things start shifting and progress is made, if you really want it.

    #281483
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Michelle,

    Ah i see what you mean now. Thank you for explaining. So I need to decide what it is I want first and then take things from there. I kind of understand now, forgive me for being a bit confused before. Sometimes I think I think too deeply about stuff and often end up in a rabbit hole of psychology!

    I guess- it’s time to make that list. I have been putting it off I guess. Probably because I didn’t know what to put on it. Thanks for the kickstart!

    All,

    My interaction with my ex was totally fine. As per usual. Laughing a lot and watching the rugby and just being normal. In some ways it would just be better if it was a horrible experience and awkward and he was an ass. He walked me back to my car and we sat there for a little while where I started a deeper conversation. He’s taken a sabbatical from work for a couple of months, has spent some time with family in the Middle East and basically still doesn’t know where he’s going. Likes his own company but missed me somewhat, felt it was the more decent thing to do to not contact me and try to not cause more pain.

    Nothing I didn’t know I guess. But all my feelings are still there. I’m tired now, so going to try and get some sleep, but we agreed to meet sometime soon again. He admits he’s wary and I am too. It was enough for this evening, I don’t know if I actually will see him again, but it could have gone a lot worse I guess. I’m still standing.

    #281495
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Michelle,

    I love the example which you gave of me. It does sound really simple when you put it that way and  you’re absolutely right, those are my actual goals and desires for life. I think you might’ve opened my eyes a little bit and gave me a slightly clearer vision on how to proceed to eventually achieve what I want.

    Shelby, I am glad your afternoon/evening went okay. It could’ve gone worse, you’re right. Although I do think that both you and your ex are somehow sitting in the unknown for the past few months not really sure of moving on, and that I think goes for both of you. What Michelle mentioned about the difference between moving on and passing time in the here and now only I think applies. It doesn’t sound to me like he is trying to actively move on either… it just sounds like he’s trying to figure things out (in the here and now only) and trying his best to be a decent guy by not dragging you with him into this confusing and unclear situation.

    #281543
    Victoria
    Participant

    Evening Everyone,

    I apologise for my absence again, I really need to start to be consistent again because you all keep me on track. I am afraid that this month I have emotionally relapsed, and I was doing SO well.

    Firstly, with my ex we have barely really talked the past two weeks its just been comforting to know he’s there if I need him. However, a user on here pointed out that this was toxic and that I am stringing him along, which I can see where that point of view is coming from. Even though I partially agree with that, I still can’t help but hope. But in the past 24 hours it has come to my attention that he went on a night out with a girl I was rather insecure about and always had an off feeling about, he didn’t tell me until the next morning and well hiding things from someone, isn’t that a red flag of a toxic relationship?

    You see it isn’t just the case that he is friends with her, I am not going to control who someone see’s, but I feel like they had a questionable relationship and in my opinion it was morally wrong and I decided it would be ok if he could just see my point of view and admit that he crossed a line. He said he was remorseful but also says he hasnt done anything wrong, which is infuriating. I am desperate to go into detail but its his business and I don’t know weather you trust me, but multiple women in my shoes would’ve walked out the door as soon as they heard about the relationship when it came up. It’s just the way it was just both of them and he insisted that they weren’t a couple etc when they went out. At first I convinced myself I was the one that was overthinking, but then I saw a couple-esque photo and it just sent me into a spiral of a sleepless night.

    Now, I do feel like I am coming across as if im saying everything’s his fault, I acknowledge that I’m not perfect either but it just lead me to a spiral of thinking have I been that much of an awful girlfriend that I’ve pushed him into the arms of someone else!?

    To add to this, he is also participating in a lifestyle that isn’t necessary in the context that he is attending events that well you can watch for free on your computer. I hope someone can read between the lines here and that is notorious for couples to go to. It was okay at first, but he has now stated he’s going to another event that is like a level-up from the last one and on top of this he hasn’t got the funds to do this.

    You see couples who attend these events are secure, ideally, the women there know that their husband or boyfriend adores them whilst I am sat their feeling uncomfortable and like a piece of meat, if I’m being completely honest.

    So emotionally I have relapsed but I am aware that I do not want to continue in this relationship and I am fully ready to accept that as fucking terrifying and upsetting it is to leave someone I cherish beyond words I don’t feel heard, respected and I don’t deserve to have anymore sleepless nights unless its the good kind.

     

    In addition to all that, I had a relapse with my family. I have not spoken to them for a month and a half, they have cut me off out of the will, have barely helped with university and overly-criticised me but at 1am I just broke down crying cause I just wanted a hug from my mum, regardless of whats happened in the past and I just got so wrapped up that I am completely on my own, or feel like it, and that if I don’t speak to them at all one day I won’t get to.

    So I rang them and apologised for being mean to them, we chatted and I genuinely felt better. However, instantly the next day my mum goes “can we have lunch?”, they live 2 1/2 hours away so I was a bit taken aback. I can’t allow myself to just ignore past issues so I need to develop boundaries that I will actually stick to.

    Overall,  I feel like I have come along leaps and bounds in terms of feeling peace with not engaging in these relationships and now I feel as though I have gone back 1000 steps.

    I will catch up on the thread now.

     

    – V

    #281547
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,

    It is nice that you have reconnected with your ex. I have found from experience with my ex that it is so easy to fall back into just being “normal” so I am glad you initiated a deeper conversation.

    I do believe that it seems like he’s opened up more and being honest.

    My advice is to see where it goes. Sometimes couples just need space.

    – V

    #281549
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Kkasxo,

    It took me about 10 months to get out of my comfort zone, so take as long as you need. However, the fact that you know that you would like to make changes is a start to actually taking action. However, sometimes you just need to make a decision in a robotic state and try to not get too emotionally involved then hopefully down the line you will realise the benefits of that decision.

    It is normal to feel like you don’t know who you are after a relationship, I feel like a lot of people start off as themselves then end up becoming more like what they think their partner wants, even if its just in small ways. I would say just start off doing small things that you enjoy, like going for more walks or taking more photos or something.

    – V

    #281557
    malachy
    Participant

    hey Shelbyville

    I feel soooooo deeply for you it’s a horrible feeling. I had anxiety myself from the age of 12 till I was 25 which then got postnatal anxiety and post partum to from a break up.

    I tried going to a doctor and they told me the worst for my case was go to a therapist or take medication. I started reading up about Buddhism and spending more time in nature. digging deep into myself to find out who I truly am and what I actually enjoy and then spent my free time doing this.

    it’s very very hard to be alone when you have such a long time being inseparable with somebody you have deep feelings for. it’s like losing a limb.

    but you havnt and it’s just change and as humans we don’t like change and we have to readjust, change routine, in a way change our aspects in life. and it’s hard really hard but as humans we are the strongest mammals in the world and there’s more to life.

    I found after 3 years I loved being by myself. I’m still grieving now over somebody else but hey there’s lots of positives in your life too.

    I read on a reply from you that you come from a loving family, imagine if you didn’t. your family clearly know you and understand you more than anybody, spend more time with them so your not on your own, try and find a forum where you can meet people in the same situation and build each other up.

    I know it sounds and looks easy to say I know it’s really not, but taking one step at a time is not going to hurt you, making a change is not going to hurt you.

    as humans we go through life going 1000 miles an hour and we miss out what actually positive because we’re so used to them and focus on the negatives because they are more dramatic.

    It’s good to feel emotion and it’s good to get them out if you didn’t you then would be strange…you say it’s been 15 days…wouldn’t everybody still be upset and down over a relationship break up. hell its been a year since my relationship broke down and I still think about him everyday and can’t move on. but I don’t want to. and the last thing on your mind should also be moving on.

    your grieving give yourself a pat on the back for speaking out your feelings and don’t even think about moving on except for with yourself…write down your goals for the year, emotionally, physically, work, achievements.

    and work on them don’t give yourself blame or Greig and the year will fly by.

     

    good luck and I really hope I’ve helped even 1% ?? x

     

     

    #281593
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Victoria,

    Welcome back. It sounds like you are still dealing with a lot. Have you started seeing a therapist? I think you should, there seems to be a lot of stuff you’re sorting through and to be honest, therapists can understand a lot better than us at times.

    It might be time to say goodbye to your ex, you’ve tried and tried but as time goes on, just reading your posts, it’s not sounding any more like an ideal situation- more like one that causes you both pain and confusion.

    Maybe it’s time for you to do you now. Have a relationship with yourself and nurture that- find out what issues have impacted you and learn from them and grow and hopefully secure some peace for yourself?

    Malachy,

    Thanks for getting in touch. When I started the thread it was 15 days after my breakup but it’s now been 5months. My anxiety levels are not what they were thankfully, due to support, therapy, some medication and the passage of time I guess.

    I have been trying to get in touch with myself but some days I find it incredibly profound and hard to figure out, so hopefully my therapist can help me a little more during my session this week.

     


    @kkasxo

    Yep, he’s trying to be decent. He’s nothing of not decent. It’s infuriating. I have such poor sleep, I’m exhausted and my chronic pain is particularly bad today. Also, I’ve been staying with my sister as it’s just past her due date and she’s been having some pains, so won’t be long more I think. I guess that has me on edge too until she goes in and has a healthy baby and is healthy herself.

    Ive come home to my own bed tonight to try and get some rest, and she’s gonna call if there is any movement. I took the next week off work to help her with her toddler when the baby arrives. But I’m definitely out of sorts.

    I don’t know what’s going on. Sometimes I feel I’m a disappointment to people on the forum here who give me advice and I can’t seem to understand it or follow it. I’m trying and my head gets so overwhelmed and humbled by all I read and learn. I do NOT know wtf I’m supposed to be doing. I’m lost. Completely lost.

    I hope I don’t drag you down with this post, but some of our issues are similar and I’m hoping you can get where I’m coming from. I adore the help I’m getting on here from wonderful people but sometimes I feel like I’m not smart enough or insightful enough or evolved enough to truly understand and implement it.

    Since my breakup I have over and over again read and heard that this will change me forever for the better. I’ll truly know myself, I’ll learn lessons, I’ll be the person I was meant to become. I have explained this somewhat to my therapist but he doesn’t tend to go into it too much. He’s clever though, and I feel really understands me so I think he feels I get too overwhelmed at times with existential angst that there is no point sending me down further rabbit holes when I can’t even get out of the ones I’m currently in. I’m sorry if this is a stream of consciousness tonight, honestly sometimes I wonder what sort of a mind I have.

    Life is not easy. It’s iust not. And you know what, I’m kind of tired of challenges. I’ve had a lot throughout my life and it doesn’t seem to get better. Good things are taken from me and I’m expected to struggle on. Just because I have to. Life is a gift I’m told. But is this the case for everyone? I’m not doing anything too extraordinary with mine, so perhaps the powers that be should get their money back!

    I love being in the company of my ex, but how can it work out when he hasn’t changed, or learned or grown? How can I accept less when even. now I’m sad to be out of his company?

    Bring back the years where I sailed through life and never opened my heart romantically I say!

    I hope you managed the weekend okay, are you still feeling in a slump? Trust me when I say i can relate. x

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