Morning (?!) all.

Absolutely – I’m currently perched on my balcony listening to the birds singing and enjoying the morning sunshine before heading out in a bit to explore some more. I’m just so pleased I made the effort to sort this trip out, it’s an awesome place.

Shelby, I think it’s ok to leave him on the pedastal if you need to – this isn’t really about having to pretend otherwise, it’s all about honesty with yourself and dealing with reality. So if he’s your current view of the perfect man for you, fine, leave him on there, people aren’t really better than others, someone who is perfect for one person can be another’s nightmare after all!! It’s all about what works for you.  But being honest with yourself and acknowledging that even though he is “perfect”, he doesn’t want or feel the same things about love and future as you do, that means a relationship with him is not perfect for you, even if it is the best you have felt so far in your life. It just means you haven’t yet felt or had more but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It would be helpful to hear more about what you felt you did get out of the relationship and what you didn’t if you want to share. But I do think your therapist is smart and thinking on the same lines I was, it’s change you are more scared of – which is what will make you cling to the old and familiar, even if not good for you. Many many people are scared of success, which does seem odd – but it does mean change even when it’s a good change. What do you find so scary about change? Is it lack of control, of wondering if you will be able to cope? I ask since you are ‘talking’ to someone who used to be both terrified to go outside her comfort zone yet was constantly pulled to do so – until now my last mentor actually labelled me a ‘change junkie’ and I burst out laughing since it was so true now. So I know first-hand how possible it is to go from approaching everything nervously and with fear to embracing and seeking out new experiences. I do truly think if you can work on breaking down what is so scary about change for you, you will find your way forwards with or without this guy. Happy to help as ever where I can!

Kkasxo – I’ve heard the hardest part for people in the deepest part of depression is the first step to help, to lift up from the bottom. I hope you have reached out to your family, friends and doctor and I really hope you can feel the first glimmer of a genuine smile at something. You should be proud you survived your trauma date – you made it through, you are still here. I hope it was not as bad as you feared and you felt at least a little relief?

Hi all,

Michelle- your holiday sounds so idyllic. I really hope you enjoy the time away. 🙂

Shelby- It sounds like V day is not being great so far. It is like the universe is showing you what you perhaps could have in the future eg you could be the person getting flowers in the office. Alot can happen in a year. To make the best of it maybe you could stop by the shop on the way home and make yourself the lerfect meal, or go and treat yourself with a budget limit such as £5 or £10 of all the nice soaps, conditioners etc in mini bottles you would like but never buy at the supermarket and have a pampering evening? 🙂

I was once told a real story from a man whos wife had left him. He said he watched the milenium fireworks on his own in his house wwith his kids and felt alone, but now he has been marrried for 10 years and has a new joint family and earns good money etc. It sounds like a fairytale but it isnt as I know him. The point is that things may seem sad now, but in the future you may be happy again and find peace.

In regards to your ex on the pedestal. I think you cant take him down from there or accept anything until it is the right time. And you will know when that is e.g there is no forcing. It is what it is and you feel how you feel. So that kind of takes the pressure off. I try and think that people i have loved are still with me in a way as i am a different person for having known them and you cant erase memories. That can seem sad as that person who you love is no longer in your life, but no matter where you go you both have a shared history that cant be undone and you both taught each other things. Every time you recall the lesson, you recall him. I bet that is really sad now but hopefully overtime it is more like a smile. On my very worst days i often think well in another universe/world we would be together – that is abit sappy but it helps to think of the idea that somewhere things are working out for the best, when jt can seem to be a struggle seeing it for the best day to day in your own life. I wish there was a magic pill! Pain is the flip side of love- like the whole “for every force there is an opposite and equal force acting against it” idea.

As regards to your ex’s gifts, it could just of been he didnt buy into the whole valentines thing (like i dont either) so didnt see a reason to go with the masses. It sounded like he got you thoughtful, practical gifts he knew you would like. However it is totally acceptable to feel let down as the media and society kind of suggest roses, wine and chocolate are the way to go.

Hope you nave a good day x

Morning all.  No worries about enjoying my time here, it’s idyllic so far. We have 7 weeks yet of exploring ( long story involving embracing change…. ) so no worries on not having enough time and it’s nice to chat and help, it’s part of my giving back more aim so actually you are all helping me too!

It’s interesting, how different people see value in different things eh. Personally I would have not enjoyed receiving flowers at work at all as there’s minimal thought and effort in that from my perspective.  In fact, those kind of gestures to me can often be more about show for other people. Whereas rose plants that will live to flower year after year and will last a lifetime, way more interesting and personal, like the cable tidy.  I think NextSteps makes a good point – a lot of people easily fall into the trap of wanting things that media/friends/society says you should want and value instead of actually thinking about it yourself. You already know I’m not a big believer in VD day, so commercial and not personal at all. But what I would take from your experience is just to recognise that envy for your colleague is just a sign of wanting something you don’t currently have in your life. A helpful confirmation of sorts…..!

Related, I once read a good piece on the five different ways/styles people express and want to receive love and how mixed the signals can be if you don’t understand and acknowledge the different styles. E.g.  some people need to hear the words “I love you” whereas for some it’s a hug/kiss etc etc – worth looking up and reading about.  I wondered if it related to your “What I didn’t get from the relationship was a sense of how much I meant to that person in an apparent way. I could feel he loved me, but he didn’t display it in grand gestures or romantic ways, he did it every day in kind and thoughtful ways”.  It may be as “simple” as you both expressing and wanting to receive love in different ways.

I am curious though about your next sentence – “But I did not get the level of security I wanted and I didn’t get the joint excitement and anticipation of planning a future together”. If you could feel he loved you, what kind of ‘security’ did you want that the love you felt did not give you?  As the famous saying goes, the only thing guaranteed ( i.e. totally secure ) in life is death and taxes.  What security was missing that you think you should have had? Was it something as simple as you wanted to get married and he didn’t? And if so, what about being married would have made you feel any more secure than already being in a loving relationship??  Again, it’s so easy to fall into society expectations that you “should” be married else it isn’t a committed relationship – whereas you can as easily have far more committed relationships without marriage as with.  I think it would help you to work out what kind of security you thought you were missing so as not to just repeat this loop again in the future, either with this guy or another. Security afterall comes from within, not from other people, it’s from being at peace with who you are, working on your hopes and dreams but also knowing you can deal with whatever life throws at you.

And regards the ” lacking the joint excitement and anticipation of planning a future together”. I can get this one as it’s a big part of being a team afterall. Was it that you just never talked about future plans, dreams, hopes or that you both had different things in mind that you wanted and so couldn’t plan them together? What did you want and what did he want – how did you both see yourselves in five years time??

Good morning all,

Apologies once again for not participating as much as I would like, nothing is shifting on my end unfortunately. Seems I have become more helpless, hopeless to do anything at all and my depression in combination with everything has really made me hit rock bottom now. I’m back to working and bed, unable to even find the strength to bathe myself or anything else for that matter. I had a bit of a clash of opinions with my mother yesterday which resulted in me splurting out everything, my depression, PTSD and everything else which I feel she’s unable to understand just as I am unable to properly explain to her so it’s not looking great. My sister also knows but has been very supportive. I’m going away for the weekend as I don’t really fancy being at home, and I will be looking for my flat in the oncoming weeks as I think I just want and need to be on my own in this time.

It has been tough now for some weeks and this feeling is really not shifting. Not quite sure how to move forward on this end. I feel I don’t have a safe and comfortable place to be right now and instead I am looking for ways out or to run away by staying with friends or going away so I think a flat right now is the ideal time so that I can be on my own and comfortable.

It’s a strange one because I feel I lost myself trying to please everyone else and now i’m loosing everyone as I attempt to find myself again.

I really hope you ladies are doing well! Sorry I’ve been a bit rubbish lately!

Shelby,

Yes, I don’t know how but I have managed to continue going to work. Mind you, the last few days I have been unable to focus on anything at work and in fact was in tears only yesterday and opted hiding in the loo’s before I settled myself so my colleagues didn’t notice.. although quite a few have thrown the odd comment ‘hey is everything okay? You’ve not been yourself lately..’ I just brush it off with a smile and the usual I’m fine! Don’t get me wrong, work is the last place I want to be and it is a real struggle to get myself here everyday BUT I am aware that if I stop going things will only get worse and I definitely don’t want that to happen so I guess in a way it is the lesser of two evils?

I remember the story about your dad. He sounds somewhat similar to my mum. She doesn’t quite get it, maybe she doesn’t see my trauma as a good enough reason to actually be suffering this much? Who knows.. My mum is very very loving and compassionate BUT it seems this is beyond her. She does come from a background in which herself and even her mother (my grandma) have had a tough upbringing, affected by war at the time etc which probably hardened them to the realities of life today. Maybe she’s just struggling to accept that I am struggling? Maybe she’s not quite coping with this revelation knowing that they’re leaving in about 4/5 months and I will be here alone? I honestly wouldn’t know as I haven’t had that conversation with her nor do I wish to so I can only assume. I do however feel like it has created a strange atmosphere at home for the time being which I guess i anticipated for a while, hence why I didn’t mention this to anyone for so long… in any case, this pushes me even more to get out and want my own four walls.. Financially having worked things out its going to be okay, I hope, although I obviously wont be living quite as comfortably as I am now but maybe the peace of mind, privacy and alone time will be worth it. All in all, I think I just want out all together if im honest. I’d love to just run away and start a new life somewhere else.

You mention wanting some of your own space also. Have you thought any more about a career change recently?

Morning all.

Shelby, thanks for sharing. An insecure style with an avoidant style was always going to be…..difficult to say the least. Admitting and working on your own insecurity is a big step, well done for being brave and dealing with it. I had to go through something similar to get to where I am now and I can tell you it’s so worth it.  My ‘ah-hah’ moment was working through the difference between wanting to hear “I love you”, which is absolutely fine as a style vs needing to hear it to feel better about myself when I was low/more insecure, which is obviously not so good.  Accepting responsibility for my own emotions was the key for me.  Sounds like you are well down that path. And equally, I’d agree with you and your therapist, it sounds like your ex doesn’t even want to start on the path, through fear outweighing the rewards (you!) for doing so. You have every right to be sad and angry at that but eventually it just needs accepting for what it is. Absolutely, actions speak way louder than words – not even wanting to live together let alone discuss anything further down the line speaks volumes. I mean, seriously, what was he expecting, that you’d just continue to date forever?!? Which is fine if that’s what you both wanted but yes, you’ve effectively outgrown him and that’s what is making you scared of accepting that change and the consequences it brings.  Conquering your fear of change is going to be key to all this for you.  Btw, Oz in Autumn sounds awesome – some friends of mine just got back from there, it looks amazing. Book it, use it as a landmark challenge!

Both – yes, it’s hard when people you love don’t necessarily ‘get it’ and think you should be better by now. Especially the older generation, it was much more common practice to not deal with emotional issues because the practical issues of putting food on the table and having a roof over your head took up all your time. There is something to be said for having demands on you that don’t give you the ‘luxury’ of time to dwell and ruminate which means you tend to cope better in the short-term but I do think in the long-term it’s clearly healthier to deal with it & grow. I think the thing is to continue to try to share, it can be tempting to run away and hide in our own corner, becoming more isolated otherwise. But to recognise you will not always get the response you need – it can be hard for parents to not know how to help their children when they hate seeing them in pain.

Ah Kkasxo, how many times have I had to do the old ‘hide in the loos and wait for my face not to be bright red obvious I’ve been crying’ thing. How I wanted to be one of those delicate criers! I’m sorry though, it sucks. We’ve all been there, you do get through it. Hoping you have that appointment sorted with your doctor – I know it’s not great to have to go talk this through with a stranger but I do think they will be able to help you get the lift you need to see the light at the end of the tunnel, which is how I’ve heard others who suffer with depression describe it. Think about it like a physical pain – if you had a broken leg you would not think for an instant about not getting it set in plaster to repair it. Depression is no different, it needs the right combination of therapy and treatment to work through and heal. We just aren’t used to thinking about it in the same way and even admitting depression can still be seen as a weakness by many, whereas actually it’s a strength in recognising the need to change.