Good morning ladies,

Michelle – thank you so much for your kind words. I know exactly what you mean by helping others helps you in a sense, I think I kind of threw myself into that a little recently as a form of distraction with one of my friends currently going through some up and downs with her partner and another friends father passed away in a tragic accident a few days ago. So I am point of call for those people now. Although in my case it isn’t particularly helping me right now, nothing seems to be. And to add to that point as I know both yourself & Shelby have mentioned this to me before, I am seriously considering medication at this point. It is exactly what it is there for right? I don’t understand my thought process sometimes. Shelby, in my eyes you are a strong, brave and incredible woman and why the hell would you not help to ease some pain with medication?! It doesn’t make you any weaker, if anything the decision makes you stronger! I see that! So why can I not apply that to my own self? In any case, it is a serious consideration of mine at this point because I am struggling severely with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Ultimately I can have a few good days of distraction and then I always end up back in this sad sad place – it’s been 9 months and nothing has shifted.. I’ve discussed this with my therapist who too seems the idea is not a bad one and I will book a GP appointment to discuss my options in the next week or so.

I do think my other issue is the idea of me bothering people. I mean, I do it with you girls here, I’ve been quiet because I just feel like I’ve got nothing constructive to say to be able to help you instead I feel my words will just bring you down. And it is the same with the majority of those in my life. My family for one have absolutely no clue that I’ve been down in the gutter for so long and that I am indeed struggling because I am oh so good at putting on a brave face so not to worry them! I may need to consider opening up to a family member at this rate, perhaps then I wouldn’t feel like I am at it alone? Who knows eh!

Shelby,

Thank you as always for your kind words, never fail to amaze me.

You are right, you are absolutely right when you say that is what family and friends are for. I KNOW this. It is the first piece of advice I would give to anyone facing a difficult situation, just reach out to someone, you are loved, people WANT to be there for you because they care for you. I just don’t understand why I struggle so much with applying that to my own self.. I genuinely wanted to go through the struggle on my own and for many many months I have but I have reached a standstill now and the reality is that progress right now is just not happening so perhaps those around me should know of my struggle – particularly because since my last spiral I haven’t been able to pick myself up.

I’m trying to read a lot into PTSD to try and better understand myself as I can’t figure my own self out in any of this. So far, it is only calming the thoughts that I am going crazy by proving that this is a very real thing, it happens to people and that you do need help to get through it. With that in mind, I think I may speak with my sister when she comes to visit in two weeks time. I’ll assure her it is nothing to worry about but perhaps it’ll give her a better understanding as to some of my behaviours/coping mechanisms which may come across as something ‘out of character’ for me.

For someone who has always lead a pretty good, calm life with no major life events or mental health problems I think the realisation and acceptance of the difficulty of the situation has been hard. At first I thought I was dealing with trauma, then heartbreak, then trauma and heartbreak, then depression, then anxiety and all these things are actually just an addition to my already raging PTSD. You always try to convince yourself that it isn’t as bad as it really is and give yourself a kick up the bum to just get on with things, maybe because of shame? Maybe because you think you should be further along in your journey? I don’t really know… I don’t quite know how this has become my life but nonetheless this is it right now and I have no other choice but to accept it.

In my lonely and distant world (clearly by choice as I withhold this from my loved ones) this forum has been an absolute God send right from the start and I am ever so grateful.

Kkasxo – like Shelby says – can’t add much better than that!!  We’re all here voluntarily and we’re all happen to listen as you need to vent and to try and help with our different perspectives and experiences where & when we can. It takes strength to ask for help, not weakness, although it can often feel the other way around in your head.  But it’s strength that is making you say “I don’t want to be like this forever, I want to change, I want to get better”.  It’s buried deep, but it’s there. Same as you can see it in Shelby and others, that’s what in you. It just needs some help so be brave enough to seek it out. Honestly, the more you pretend in life, the harder it is to feel like it’s your life – it just adds distance between you and others, I know!  It’s frankly amazing you’ve been able to help others at all at this point – so take that strength and use it on yourself….

And yep, dwelling in sadness only increases it’s power and makes it harder to escape it’s grip. There is always something to be grateful for, be it as tiny as being happy to be in a warm house on a cold day. How’re we doing on that list Shelby… 😉

Morning Shelby

I was thinking about you and your last couple of posts and a few things came to mind you might want to consider.

All the help, advise, tools, tips etc won’t do a thing for you unless you actually want to get better – and I’m not convinced you actually do. I think you might actually be scared to. Getting better means accepting and wanting to change yourself. It’s why it takes strength and courage to work through it, to be different. I know you don’t want to hurt or be sad anymore but I think you are scared and unwilling to let go of the romantised hope this guy is going to change and suddenly want to sweep you off your feet and save you from having to figure your own life and happiness out. It’s why you are plateaued and why you don’t feel like you are in the right place – because you aren’t. Unfortunately, the right place is somewhere you are still scared to go. Tackle those fears and you will be free. Surely the worst outcome is staying where you are???

Shelby & Michelle,

Interesting point about ‘dwelling in sadness only increases its power and makes it harder to escape it’s grip’ – I feel that quite deeply and it is actually something I’ve been thinking about recently. I have been sad for so long now it almost feels like this is just who I am now. Maybe I don’t actually know how to be happy and joyful anymore? Maybe because this has been going on for what feels like forever maybe this is just me now? It’s a scary thought but a real one for me at this point.

I really do hope that I can come out of this on the other end, just like all those brave people who have experiences the worst of the worst and are now in a better place in their life. Realistically though, I can’t quite imagine that happening. In the simplest of words I am not happy in my life. I cannot recall not once memory, moment in which I felt even a remote amount of happiness or bliss. You know sometimes you remember a nice day, a nice walk, a laugh with a friend, a funny photo I don’t know, anything no matter how small, I do not have that. Actually, I don’t have anything at all from the last few months.. it feels like they have been wiped out from my life and brain. The best way to describe it is being in complete auto-pilot mode.

Shelby –  seems like you’ve been in your thoughts and feelings again recently. It is difficult because yes you have experienced an existential death to an extent, just like myself the life as you knew it has been taken away from you with no explanation, it just was. I think the most important thing for you right now is to accept. Being in the unknown ‘what if’ situation is where you will not move on for obvious reasons. I think there is still a part of you that believes in the what if, that perhaps this is only temporary, that he will wake up sooner rather than later but you’re thinking into the future, missing the here and now. Almost like you are waiting for him, waiting for something that may never happen, especially that he has not given you any indication that that is even a possibility at some point. Be harsh if you need to, be kind if you think that works better. When me and my ex split, for a long time I tried everything in my power to get him to show any sign of uncertainty to fuel my hope of a potential future relationship. When that didn’t work I literally had to almost slap myself back to reality and accept that he simply does not want me and there is nothing I can do about it – it is out of my control. At that point I was no longer left with any options, the only option was literally to accept and go forward without him because I had no other choice. Once I was at that stage it made it easier on me to focus on trying to do things again to occupy my time and hopefully with time make me happy again. Obviously in my case it did not work because just as I began to let go he crawled back in (as**ole hehe) BUT that acceptance moment is what changed the game for me. I was still sad, still hurting but I knew there was no other way out so I could either cry for him forever, eventually watch him move on, think about him daily or accept that he does not care for me in the same way, does not want a future with me and continue to live my life.

I think maybe as you sit in this unknown period of your life, perhaps it would be handy to do a grand gesture to get some closure. Have you maybe thought about writing him a letter? Even if you don’t send it although I think a letter like that should be sent for your own peace of mind. Just a letter explaining that you have been struggling with accepting that he will no longer be a part of your life, that it has hurt you deeply but that you appreciate and understand that this is just it and therefore you would now like to give your own self reprieve and do your best to move on with your life. With that in mind, this is your goodbye to him and you would appreciate it if he did not reach out to you from this point on (because at the moment he still has the option to which again leaves you in uncertainty because you can have 6 great weeks without him but the moment he reaches out you’ll be back to square one). I think maybe something like that would work for me, could it work for you?

Hey all – sorry for radio silence, a bit of a trek to get over here…..but it’s so worth it, it’s gorgeous and so warm and sunny!!

Anyway – enough about me – more important things to talk about here…

Kkasxo – I’m so impressed. Writing him a letter like that is a perfect idea, my view. It really doesn’t matter what he makes of it, like you say – this is about you, accepting and determining reality. I did something similar funnily enough and it helped me too. You and NextSteps ( who btw, you sound like you are going great, loads of good ideas there ) are both spot on – truly accepting it is the only thing that frees you to move on to starting to rebuild your life. And honestly, it gives you so much strength for facing other fears later on when you know you’ve made it through the worst thing you could imagine at the time.

Shelby – anybody who says ”probably definitely” is just a yes who knows she shouldn’t be. The real question is why would you accept him back – is this really the pattern you want for the rest of your life? Do you not think you deserve more? We all think you do but it’s your life, your choice.  I’m glad you’ve been thinking about it at least – accepting it means literally rose glasses off, reality check and decide for yourself that you are worth enough to face your fear of the unknown.

All – it really does get better with time when you want it to – infact, it just gets amazing when you go on to live life with your new found strength.

Take care all.