Hi!

I have heard that advice before Michelle and i’m trying it out! It makes it easier to know what you want and don’t want, but still finding it hard to accept that.

I do have another question for everyone in a similar heartbreak situation. My ex and I shared all the same friends, and we are in the same facebook chats and snapchat groups and basically our whole friend group is the same. I have been avoiding events with them and just trying to see them one on one, and as i get stronger i will start going to the whole group events (there are only like 8 of us so it’s pretty small). I find myself not knowing what information to disclose to certain friends. For example, I am going away next week on a trip for myself and some mutual friends are asking if I am around next week. While I obviously will tell them that I am not, I am hesitant to say what I am doing because I find myself wanting to restrict information to them so that my ex wonders what i am up to and miss me and reach out. I do not know if they even talk about me, and i know that it is childish, i’m just not sure what to disclose and what to keep to myself.

Any thoughts?

Hey Grounded, so I think the problem is really with your underlying motivation of hoping your decision on the information sharing will somehow have an impact on your ex. It might, it might not – but it actually just doesn’t matter either way. This will likely sound harsh I know but it’s another one of those things that is doing you more harm in wondering about it than it is having any impact on him at all.  I share information according to the level of trust I have with the other person and how private I consider the information. Try to let your decision be guided without reference to any impact on him.  I’d also be curious why you are finding it hard to accept what you want – or did I misunderstand what you meant there?

Hey Shelby, how’s it going ‘up’ there? When do you next see your therapist btw?  Ha, yeah, it sounds a bit daft about the fairy thing I know but it’s a good way to unlock your brain by not thinking about the how, just the what. It’s also sometimes easier to write down what you don’t want too if having trouble thinking about what you do want. Got anything good planned for the weekend?

Hi Michelle,

I think I just want him in my life so much that i’m finding it hard to say no to him. He hasn’t fully closed the door and he didn’t tell me in words that he doesn’t want me in his life, he just keeps saying he needs to figure it out and he doesn’t know and he needs to have his life in order first. This makes it so much harder for me since I know he’s still there for me, but I don’t want to be strung along. So it is hard for me to accept and actually take action in the fact that I need to close this door even though I want to be with him.

I ignored the last three texts from him, the last one from being being that he was off dating sites. It’s been three weeks since i’ve heard from him which makes me realize he doesn’t want to be with me. I am leaning towards asking him WHY he chose to tell me that he was off dating sites. the reasons i can come up with for answers include a) looking for validation b) connection c) updates me on his progress. I’m afraid to open the door or send a message again because I still want him in my life.

Ah Grounded, why do we have to want the things that are no good for us eh.  Even if he hasn’t said it in actual words his actions are telling you it loud and clear.  From what I’ve read of your posts, my honest answer would be that he probably hasn’t had much success on the dating sites and is wondering if you are still hanging around waiting for him – especially since if I understand correctly, there’s a pattern of sex pretty quickly when you guys get back together.  Seriously, everything you have written about this guy says he doesn’t value you in any way that matters to you – the real question is why you don’t value yourself enough to break away….??

Morning Shelby.

Sorry to hear your pain was acting up so bad, that has to be tough to get through. You know you can always ignore my and anyone else’s helpful advice, especially when it is not so helpful!  How’s your sister coping – can’t be long till the big day then?

It’s the feeling blue part it helps not to lay around just thinking about how sad you feel. As honestly, the more you think it, the more you are it, if that makes sense. I think a walk with an old friend sounds lovely, hope you enjoy it.

Morning ladies,

Sorry again for being dead silent, I am still following the thread and your post and love hearing from you all but just most days cannot even find the energy to respond. In all honesty, I feel down in the gutter and have since my spiral a few weeks back. I haven’t been able to pick myself up and have been struggling. With that in mind, it sometimes feels I cannot even offer any of you any valuable advice – I’m sorry for this. I also don’t want to bring you all down with me by expressing just how bad things really are for me at the moment. I don’t quite know what to do next, how to help myself, how to make a shift in this but I cant continue like this for much longer.

Shelby – how are you getting on with things? I read it has been a little tough recently?

Hey Kkasxo – so good to hear from you again. You don’t have to offer anything right now, life is all about give and take – right now I suspect you need to be strong enough to accept help, not want to give it still…   Did you ever manage to get any help from your doctor, I know it’s not easy.  You also don’t have to feel like it’s not fair to be sharing your pain if it will bring others down – we all choose to be here, it’s my choice to spend my time listening and helping where I can. I’m grateful to others who helped me through my dark days just by listening and understanding, if I can pay some of that back through helping you and others here now that I’ve healed, it’s worth it to me.

Shelby – hope it gets better soon, is there anything that helps or is it literally a wait for it to do its thing and go again? But yeah, probably not the frame of mind for a fairy godmother list – though an obvious item number one I suppose.

Take care both.

Hi Michelle,

What a powerful post you have. I know that he does value me, but I guess my way of coping is trying to look at the negatives and tell myself that he doesn’t want me or he would be at my door. He did do special things for me, and i’m grateful for those, but dwelling on all the good stuff makes me miss him more, especially since he seems to be moving backwards instead of forwards in his growth right now, maybe that’s his way of coping too? Our emotional connection was fantastic and it’s what I miss the most.  It is not easy facing a loss that is in my face every single day, but I am coping. I sometimes wonder too why AND/OR if don’t value myself enough to break away and just close the door for myself (at least for now and who knows what the future holds) and why do i want to stay? I wish I had the answer, i’m working on figuring it out. I do know that it’s not about being afraid of being alone, i’m okay at being alone and living my life doing things for me.. as a matter of fact i’m going on a trip by myself for myself this week! So i’m not sure!

I have realized that i keep letting him take my power so i’m slowly figuring out how to take that back, and in this case maybe staying silent isn’t my way of gaining power? Any thoughts are always appreciated 🙂