Hi All,

I can relate so much. Here is my story:

Thanks so much for listening. I have been stuck in my head and I don’t know what to do anymore. My head and heart are conflicted.

We broke up in November. we broke up (I honestly can’t even really remember) but because we weren’t happy, he was struggling with self worth and self esteem and wasn’t able to take care of me and didn’t feel good enough. we said that in order to be in a relationship he needed to be happy on his own first. That’s all I can remember, because everything has changed so much. So I don’t even know if that’s even why we broke up. He didn’t have a job for almost a year, he just got employed in November but hates his job, he applied for the military but isn’t sure what he wants to do. We were living together but in October I moved out because that’s what we agreed upon and his lease was up in December and I took some space and time to heal. I was doing okay by mid-December so when he asked to see me to show me his new apartment and for me to pick up some stuff I agreed. I acted very casual, but he was flirting and touching me and said we should go out for drinks, he talked the whole night and then kissed me in public and said he missed me and all that, and we ended up having sex. We parted ways and then between Christmas and New Years he talked to me, flirted with me and it was great! On new years I saw him again and he chased me all night, I told him I was going to go home and he asked me to come over to his place, so I did. We had sex again that night and in the morning. Then we watched some tv and hung out, he asked about my life and then I left. After that he seemed a little distant so I gave him some space.

A couple days later I found out that he’s on dating sites. When he invited me over on Monday jan 7th to watch a movie at his place, I went, we had fun, he was being flirty and kissy but I kept my distance and before I left I told him that I really like spending time with him and that this is super fun but that I found out he’s on dating sites and that hurt me and left me confused. I told him that he can’t have his cake and eat it too and if he wanted options then I couldn’t be one. He asked if we could continue being exclusive and he could still go on dating sites and I said no, I wasn’t going to sleep with him until he found something better that came along. I told him again that if he wanted options then I wasn’t one and that I wanted to be exclusive. I told him I thought dating sites were not good for him and he said he was using them for self esteem and validation. I told him I wasn’t on dating sites because that’s not what I’m looking for and I couldn’t do it right now. It was late so he said he would sleep on it/ think about it. I left his place. I regret not kissing him goodbye, but oh well.

That was on January 7th. I didn’t hear from him for a few days. Then I had to accept an etransfer from him before it expired. He texted me saying he got an email saying I accepted the money. I said thanks.

Side note: we have the same friend group, we play sports together like frisbee and softball and we have all the same friends (every single one). So we have multiple Facebook group chats and Snapchat group chats.

Then later that week a friend posted in a group chat sayin we should do an escape room. I private message her and tell her I’m in. Later that same week my ex posted in the same Facebook group chat that I’m also in saying that we should all do a pub crawl soon.

I message my friend asking if she knows what this pub crawl is, and she says that she’s been planning it with my ex. I told her that I was starting to feel sad not being invited/ knowing about it. Saturday night I get a text from my ex saying that

“Hey, just wanted to let you know that I wouldn’t organize and post in a group you’re in about a pub crawl and not invite you!! ?” and “Also, you’re in the group so if it ever gets organized you’re invited!”

I reply saying thanks. He then responds with: “Also, text Melissa. She’s lonely ?” (Melissa is another mutual friend)

I didn’t reply as I was seeing Melissa that night anyways. I found out that my ex (Ben) had every single one of our friends over to his apartment on Saturday night and didn’t invite me. While I understand not being invited I didn’t appreciate getting a text saying I was invited if it was posted in the group. It hurt and felt like his actions were mean.

It also hurt that no one else had the guts to tell me what was happening and I feel like everyone (or most people) are going behind my back and I thought they were my friends too.

On the Wednesday of the following week, the escape room happens. I post saying I can’t make it since I have other plans and I get a text from Ben saying: “ Hey that sucks you can’t make it on Wednesday. I know you’ve wanted to do one for so long. Is it because of me? I can sit it out!”

It felt like a pity text, and he was being nice.. but it also hurt. Why is he still texting me? I didn’t reply to his message. I had other plans and didn’t want to see him, I’m a little angry and hurt and confused by all this.

Ben has been hanging out with our mutual friend Bryson a lot. Bryson and I used to be close but now I hardly hear from him and I don’t think Bryson is the best influence. A lot of my other friends don’t really like him so I’ve tried to maintain my distance, but Ben and Bryson seem to host a lot of the events in our group and I feel like I need to be friends with Bryson to be in the group.

Ben has also (according to friends) been bragging about his girls and being on dating sites and drinking often. I don’t ofcourse know any of this, but it looks like he is having the time of his life.

Thursday of this week I get another text from Ben. It says: You were right about the dating apps. Stupid. Deleted them all.

Last night: Ben sent a snap to the group (I haven’t opened it) but my friend said it was a picture of him with a cat, he was drunk. He knows I’m in the group.

Then he posted a picture on Instagram and updated his profile.. he never ever used to go on Instagram when we were together, it seems like he just re-downloaded it this week.

I don’t know why Ben is messaging me those things and I am torn between moving on and just forgetting him and deleting him and all our friends and starting over from 0, but I really do love him and care about him and I know he has to figure things out, but I don’t want to be played and I still kind of hope that he’ll want me back as embarrassing as that may be.

I didn’t answer his last 3 messages and I haven’t heard from him since he sent that last message since Thursday and I last answered last Sunday. It’s been a week since he’s sent anything, I just miss him, miss talking to him and knowing what’s going on in his life. It kind of feels like he’s just forgotten I exist and has moved on and that is that. Obvs I don’t actually know that but yeah feels like that. It’s not like I’m sitting around doing nothing, I go to the gym, I see friends, I make plans and eat healthy and go to work, but i check my phone all the time hoping he’s texted or idk sent some sort of follow up message. This week, his sister snap chatted me twice, she’s so wonderful, but idk if she’s telling him things, so I have to watch what I say haha. I sound a little pathetic and silly, I even think about like hey maybe in April we can be together, idk. I know he’s figuring out his life and what he wants, he was unemployed for almost a year trying his own thing, now is working for the city but hates his job and is applying to join the military in Air Force.. and I feel weird making future plans knowing he’s not in them and he won’t even know about them and I’m sure he’s just fine without me and when I don’t hear from him it makes me think that he doesn’t want me in his life. I know with time it will get better, but right now time is going supppperr slowly.

And like seeing him online on Facebook is hard because I think, well why doesn’t he just message me! He can see me online too! (I unfollowed him, but because of all our mutual friends I can’t delete him, that would be too awkward). We also play clash of clans together and I’ve stopped playing that for now, but it’s still a way to feel connected at least for me. I’m in his clan with his family, so far no ones kicked me out lol.

I guess because it didn’t feel like he closed the door 100% the second time around I want my shitty relationship back. I’ve thought about being friends, but I think I would just want more, or not be able to not be attracted to him if I saw him or something. Everyday I just think, ok tomorrow he’ll reach out. And it hurts too much to think that he’s choosing and would rather be /live life without me (ouch!) And idk when tomorrow will be.

Sorry this is so long, I haven’t really been able to talk to too many people about it mutual friends deal and all. And I don’t want to just ask him to get back together, I want him to want it and it to come from him otherwise what’s the point, so then I kind of sit here stuck because there’s nothing I can do. And I know that it’s a break up because something is wrong, but if he could just be happy or work on himself and then we can be together is the other story I’m telling myself. Maybe in a year from now crap. And it’s hard to tell myself that maybe he doesn’t care because of him flirting with me and texting me and stuff (until I guess I stopped answering him). I know I sound dumb, but oh well ?‍♀️

I didn’t reply to his last three texts, and it has been two weeks of not hearing from him. My housemate said she saw him on a dating site again and i’m so disappointed and hurt. how am i wanting someone so much when he seems like a different person? Does he not want me? Why doesn’t he want me? those thoughts go through my head all day, every day..  I just want him to reach out to me so I know that he’s thinking of me too instead of moving on and living his life happily with no concern.

I dream about him every night too and wish i could just stay in those dreams. It’s nice to know that you are both here with me

@ Kkasxo, likewise, hoping you are making it through this one ok.

Hey Shelby – and welcome to Sylvie, a grand name! Yep, she’s quiet and sometimes real hard to hear but she’s always there and truly wants what’s best for you, unlike Martha. The more you listen and trust in her, the quieter Martha will get. But it takes time and practice and effort.  A thought for you to ponder on a walk on this wonderful sunny day – when you find yourself spending a lot of time missing him, thinking about him and the relationship etc and reminding yourself and Martha of what you are missing out on – how much effort do you put into consciously choosing to think about something else? It may feel strange to willfully “change the subject” in your head but what we choose to focus out attention on naturally then has our attention. It can be perversely comforting to go down the same old rat-holes and round and round the same ‘problem’, looking for a different way to ‘fix’ it this time. When in reality there is no magical new solution and there is no answer, just more mental energy wasted.

One thing that helped me was to consciously choose to focus on other ‘problems’ to solve in my life as if you have a brain that likes to problem-solve and analyse things out, it can be easier to refocus it that way instead of simply trying to stop thinking about the relationship problem and focus on other areas of your life instead.  You mentioned previously issues at work you’d like to deal with, focus on planning how to attack those. Or start to think about planning a big hairy scary adventure trip like you used to do. Just something not relationship-focused in the least.

Martha will scream at you for giving up on her favourite topic but it’s literally like a bad habit that needs the cycle breaking.

Ah, yes, old friends meaning well and setting you up, remember it well. It was also a disaster for me too, was nowhere near ready for that and everything just felt entirely foreign, strange, the wrong person in front of me.  It’s ok to just say I appreciate you want to help but no thanks, it’s just part of sticking up for Sylvie.

I would actually say the opposite about trying to focus on something else. Think of it as a bruise or a cut, you know, when you keep poking it to see if it still hurts and unsurprisingly the constant poking just makes it worse and it takes longer to heal.  It’s the same with emotional pain.  Most definitely you don’t want to avoid the topic but it’s all about how you are thinking about it. I bet you spend most of your time remembering the good stuff, whether true or not and taking perverse pleasure in trawling through all your good times together and how perfect he was for you etc etc? Which is just keeping your attention in the past and isn’t actually dealing with anything at all, it’s just poking the bruise, scratching the itch.  It’s another way of keeping the relationship alive and not letting go. And a new future with a happy you and either him in it or not in a new happy relationship is just not possible until you let go of the old.  Absolutely you need to work through this – why did you became so dependent, isolated with this guy, why did you accept less than you deserve, looking to improve your own self-esteem & confidence, on listening to yourself, to Sylvie. Basically, don’t ignore it at all but deal with it by working on you – not the relationship.  That’s the difference and you will be amazed at the impact.  When you feel the need to scratch that itch, that’s when I would use the other ‘mini-projects’ to distract myself from the habitual romanticising of the past.

Honestly, I think even if you did contact him then at this point you’d realise what a different person he was in reality to the one you have in your head. Which is probably another reason you aren’t getting in touch with him I would suspect.

I really don’t think you can talk yourself into believing it’s over. You can decide it is – but that you are unwilling to do as yet. You can have the cold reality shock of him not wanting to try again/do anything different to previous/dating someone else, which gives you no choice but to accept it. You have no faith in a better future, which is understandable but is an area you can work on. Seriously, try it for just a week, literally re-directing your thoughts and focusing on now, the present, on something that improves your life with zero link to a romantic relationship – what’ve you got to lose eh….stop poking that bruise for a bit…

And ha, sorry, not laughing at you but with you as remembering all too well having to do the letting down gently thing after getting myself into a similar situation, all be it through all my own doing. The only way I can do these things is an open and honest “I’m just not ready for this”. Good luck & next time don’t get talked into things just to please people…. 😉

PS – All great here, I’m irritatingly happy and excited about the trip – 6 days to go!

Well done, at least it’s done. He won’t hate you but will be disappointed probably. Either way, it’s not something you can do anything about and it’s all part of learning how being self-assertive is ok, especially when a natural people-pleaser, it’s scary opening yourself up to people not liking you for doing or saying something you think will upset them.

Glad you are having a go – it’s a bit like that old joke, if someone says not to think about an elephant, all you can think about is exactly that!  It’s probably worth mentioning to your therapist you feel like you are plateauing and seeing what he/she suggests to help?

It may help to spend your new-found thinking time to write down what your perfect life would look like in 5 years time, across all areas, family, friends, health, work, hobbies and relationships. Forget reality for a while, just literally recognise and acknowledge what you & Sylvie would like it to be if you had the proverbial fairy godmother with magic wand.  Try to be as detailed and imaginative as you can without being specific on people/things . I.e. “I would like to be married to X, have two kids and be promoted at work and etc etc ” are pretty lazy answers…. For example, if you think about it properly,  what someone with that statement really means when they say “I would like to be married to X” is actually something along the lines of  “I want to be in a healthy, balanced, committed, loving relationship where we are making plans for our future together, where he respects me, we do x, y, z together, our sex-life is great, we are emotionally close, we can discuss issues and agree where to disagree, we help each other grow as people etc etc…..”   The more you can imagine and know what you want, the easier it is to then say no to things that don’t bring that into your life. And simply by doing that, you leave space for those things to become part of your life instead of it already being full of something you don’t want.  Make any sense???!?  Don’t worry or think about how it’s all going to happen – for now this is just about listening and getting to know what you want and what you don’t. Feel free to share it if you can/want. The next parts the really fun bit about making it happen 🙂

@ Kkasxo. Hope to hear from you soon, regardless of what happened over the weekend and if you are back with your ex or whatever, just be good to know you made it through ok.