Hello Everyone,

I have had a busy day so I have just been reading the forum tonight. I will right a more detailed reply tomorrow as right now I just wanted to get on here and express myself as I am finding it difficult to sleep tonight.

Today was a good day as I have thrown myself into uni work and attempting to socialise so I break my hinbernation mode I seem to have become so familliar with recently. Everything was going fine until I went to socialise with a group of individuals who were watching a movie. Now prior to spontaneously turning up I did not know what movie it was, turns out it was one my ex’s favourite and on top of that a lot of it was grusome and unpleasant with some triggers that made my anxiety increase.

After an event that momentarily made me feel happy and confident I had put myself out there and proved that its not as hard as my mind makes it out to be when I came home I felt shattered and hoped that it would mean I might get an early night.

However, all I have done is wondered if he is okay and just thought the worst of the worst. At the weekend all I could imagine was him with someone else. I am like @Kkasxo ex, I do not want a relationship with anyone right now.

Currently, I believe it stems from fear and lacking confidence, I need to find the parts I lost of myself and unfortunately my ex, due to a traumatic event that I did not seek help for until after six months of beating myself up about it meant that the relationship became stressful when before it had been my safe haven, it was why I knew I needed to end it for him just as much for myself. – sorry if I am repeating myself, just needed to add some context.

So this evening I can’t get comfy and I think I am allergic to my eyeliner so my eyes have been sensative to light which has not helped . I just wish he would reach out even if its just a “how are you”, because he is not active on social media so I can’t quickly check, even if he was posting kissing someone new at least I would know he was okay. Why do I feel this need to protect someone who is older and has looked after themselves long before they met me?

I may be at the anger/sad or just sad stage as I started trying to convince myself of all the flaws so I could justify my decision to end things and why he hasn’t contacted. It angers me because he knows im a worrier but at the same time it my emotions arent his responsibility and he doesn’t know I am wondering if he’s okay after a weekend of partying (what happens if he ended in a&e from drinking too much?, those kind of thoughts are whirring around my mind right now).

I’ve just felt on edge after that movie and he would be the person I would seek comfort from. The comfort I would give myself right now would be sleep but I have a headache from crying and I am too awake. You know the state where you can feel the physical tiredness but your brain won’t sync with your body. I might try meditation.

– V

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Victoria.

Hi all,

So I write again as I feel absolutely lost..

I can feel myself in absolute overdrive all of today, the warning signs before a complete spiral and with the last one only hours ago I’m terrified. I am getting to a point of no return if I am honest. I have come to the conclusion that I will never get through this. I can spend days, weeks even going on about my day, getting myself to work, working out etc but the pain ALWAYS returns, without a doubt. And it is this completely overwhelming, full of intensity kind of pain that takes over my body, my mind, my soul. It’s never going to stop. I’m never going to be able to move past any of this. I’m never going to get better. I’m never going to be able to lead a somewhat normal life because it’ll always take me by surprise and return. I feel stuck, suffocated, struggling for breath and I am completely at my wits end. I have no more fight left within me to continue down this road. I am done. There is no more. I am so utterly shattered. I can openly say that from May 2018 onwards my life, my person, everything is gone. I feel destroyed, obliterated, desecrated, annihilated, demolished, shattered, demoralised and I simply am not coping anymore. My head is pounding, my heart is beating out of my chest, my hands are shaking, my muscles hurt.

I want to scream for help, some kind of release but I realise that there is nothing in this world that will help me. Nobody can help me. No amount of therapy, self help books, reading, researching, meditation, exercise, socialising, self-love or whatever else anyone puts on the list, none of it can or will help me.

Kkasxo. Try to breathe, calm. I know you are scared and at the same time angry at yourself for being here. It will pass. It has before, it will again. Try to be as compassionate to yourself as you would if you were looking after someone else in this situation. Is it possible to go be with a friend or call your therapist – you sound like you could do with some company if you are alone. I know your ex is usually your comfort/safe place – be forgiving on yourself if you need him now again.

You are stronger than you know but right now just accept and do the best you can to stay calm – it is all anyone can do. There is a way out but it is long – anything worthwhile usually is. And you are worth it.

Hello Kkasxo,

Not sure if I should post or not as you, Shelby, Victoria and Valora (and anyone else I may have missed) are being such a good support network on this thread, you sound like old friends which is lovely.

I just wanted to try and help if I could with my experience of the spiral and how to try and slow it down. I really feel for you as I have struggled with this and probably still will in the future as the thoughts–low mood–i want the pain to stop and me to die cycle is so hard to see when you are in it and it feels totally overwhelming. My therapist calls them “emotional flashbacks” maybe of trauma from childhood and/or the actual trauma itself. I find it hard to know when I am am in one as the thoughts seem so real aka it seems a real thought to hate myself and want to die and feel totally hopeless. However, she has given me some markers to try and identify it before it spirals too far and becomes overwhelming aka me crying and crying in bed. These are:

1) wanting to post lots of messages to her on the online therapy portal

2) my life seeming “all wrong” – black and white thinking

33) me wanting to run away, get a tattoo, quit my job or any other drastic decision

4) me wanting to die and googling “i want to die” “i feel hopeless” “i hate myself” etc

5) feeling entirely without hope

6) not wanting to go outside or see anyone or do any work etc etc.

It can be so hard (and I had this for about 2 years solid at least) where I felt like that every day, so the low energy kind of feels “normal” if very very exhausting and draining and scary. It was also scary if i felt “okay ish” or dare i say it “happy” as I know “the fall” would come (which it always did).

When I can either tell I am starting a spiral or in a spiral, my therapist has told me to do the things you have done eg journal, meditate, exercise, eat right etc. On some days I find that none of these things work. On those days I tend to kind of accept it and go to bed early with a good book and a hot bottle and kind of zone out. She says that sleep or meditating is kind of a “reset” and can help reset your mood/energy levels. She also said about appreciating the little things aka sunrise, cup of coffee etc. When I am in a low mood/spiral those little things feel like absolutely nothing. My thoughts at that time are: “how dare you deserve and enjoy this coffee, you are worthless, and life is hopeless, and coffee is bad for you, you cant even choose one thing right, life is pointless.. how about wine instead??!” Etc so its REALLY HARD for me to enjoy the little things as they sont seem “enough” or i would see a nice sunset and feel numb (and then feel scared) as its like any feelings arent getting through or get through in waves that take me over. I have a gratitude journal which helps me actively appreciate things (on a good day) or at least remember them (on a bad day).

I find that if I have a routine that does all of those things I am okay but if I fall out of my routine or skip for a day or two as I am feeling better, the whole thing falls apart and i am back to crying and crying again.

For me, my routine starts with listening to youtube video https://youtu.be/ygCZo9vVNJw which is just long enough for me to get dressed and put my trainers on. I then go for a 30 min run-come back have breakfast etc etc and it seems that if I start right and then always try and do “the next right thing” whatever that may be in your day, it all follows on.

I have also tried antidepressants. They didnt work for me as it just made me feel hungover and at the same time not sleep. So far exercise has been the kind of glue holding things together as whilst I am running i am not thinking. On the days where nothing works, I tend to go out for a long run eg 1 hour and run and run through the tears until I am too tired and stop as that at least stops thought temporarily.

Other things that help on the bad days are literally the little things aka wearing a fleecy jumper in bed, reading an uplifting book, googling “mind” the charity and reading stories from people who have been in similar positions, looking at ruby etc posts on twitter (they are funny and true). Just very small things.

I really really hope you start to feel better. From you and Shelby’s posts you both are strong, courageous, honest and kind people that any guy would be so so lucky to have. Xx

Good evening both,

First of all I just want to say how ever grateful I am that you have both taken the time to share with me your stories, advice and kind words! It never fails to amaze me how someone you don’t really even know can feel very much like a dear friend – thank you.

Nextsteps, you’re always more than welcome to join in the conversation at anytime! We are always here supporting one another through the ups and downs, me personally, I have found this forum to be a God send! It definitely has helped me through some of the darkest times! Again, I am welcoming the fact that the spiral is indeed a real thing, it does indeed happen to people, it isn’t just me, it is real and I am not going crazy. I can definitely relate to the markers your therapist has offered you. I mentioned earlier in my post that I can never really pin point the trigger to my spiral but that is perhaps it isn’t just a one of thing, maybe there are several things happening in the background all stacking on top of one another and then BAM! The spiral! That would make sense, I had a panic/anxiety attack only a few days ago, a very up and down two weeks, was actually physically sick on Saturday. All these things adding up and effectively maybe adding to the spiral. So it is interesting that your therapist has explored those ideas with you so you can sense one approaching in the future – I will try to apply this to my life and see if I can identify it before it happens.

Furthermore, you have described ‘the spiral’ to a T, literally! All the advice in the world and I still probably couldn’t appreciate the sunrise, or a good cup of coffee in that moment. My therapist has advised me that when feeling particularly low it it can sometimes feel like an out of body experience, in which case it can sometimes help to bring yourself back into the here and now – breathing helps. I normally try breathing exercises and to cling onto anything that I can physically feel, a chair, a table, anything near me at that time to remind me I am still here, I can feel, I can see, I can smell, all is okay. Now this does tend to help with anxiety attacks but it is just not effective enough in the spiral. As you rightly said, once you’re in it it seems like there is no way out.

I really didn’t pay too much attention to routine until you mentioned it, although I do notice a pattern of when the mind is a mess so are my days, complete lack of structure, so perhaps it has something to do with it. It would make sense that when your mind is in absolute overdrive and all over the place , the unknown so to speak the only thing you can give it is some routine, things you know, to bring some order and peace, a known place. Over the last few months I have made a little routine for myself also, I tried my take myself to the gym and work out, I would have a nice nutritious salad everyday for lunch, little things like those. As expected, I haven’t worked out in the last three weeks or so and am eating complete rubbish. In a bid to do just that I have gone and purchased my bits for my delicious salad for lunch, I bought my expensive but favourite coffee for the morning and prepared my clothes for work – order. Let’s start small!

Shelby – In regards to your anxiety medication, again you are very lucky to have a GP who has been with you since young! Unfortunately I can’t say the same about mine, I don’t actually even know who my doctor is as everytime I schedule an appointment I seem to see someone different each time. I have stuck out so long without medication, mainly due to willpower if I am honest but I do find myself questioning more and more frequently whether it would be good to give it a go, particularly when I am struggling like this! Also, I think what you said about getting out into the real world is somewhat similar to what I try with my breathing exercises as a means to bring you back to reality and out of your head. Funnily enough, when I left my house to drive to Tesco this evening to pick up my salad bits it had started snowing. We hardly ever get snow here in London so it gave me just an inkling of excitement. As I parked up I watched people running into the shop as quickly as they could to get out of the snowy shower whilst I stood there for a little while and welcomed it all, the cold flakes on my skin, looking up at the snow against the light of the lamppost, it was my little way of getting myself back to reality and I do feel better for it.

I must admit, despite feeling extremely shattered today with a pounding headache that I am unable to kick, at this stage my emotional state is slowly easing off, my mind isn’t on an emotional and irrational roller-coaster right now and I am so thankful for the reprieve. Rather I think I am now trying to analyse ways in which I can prevent this from happening in the future. I think I have a long way to go. For now, I will take on the advice given and make myself a lovely cup of coffee in the morning, get back into making my salads, and I need to get back to working out! Also something I think may help in the long run I have disabled all of my activity logs on social media meaning that I can’t see who is online and when, something I found myself checking back and forth continuously over the last few days, and I have decided to limit my screen time significantly over the next few days to focus on more important things. There is absolutely no need for me to be stuck in screen time going from app to app only to see the same irrelevant things, checking who was online and when (we all know this one is for my ex), it does me no good and I’d rather focus my time on relevant, meaningful interactions with you ladies on Tiny Buddha, and anything else that brings some kind of positive input in my life.

I had a break of nearly 3 months since the last spiral so I cross my fingers that that’ll be the last of it, at least for a few months!