Hi Shelby,

I believe the reason you miss your ex so much after your fun weekend is just the low after the high as it were. Maybe write a list of why you enjoy being single? I did that and then when I get pangs where I think “he could be with someone else, he’s texting the same cute things to her as he did to me” and get in a bit of a state, I write a list that reminds me of the positives.

Well done on going to the cinema with another guy, even if it is just a friend , that is a big step. I nearly did the same oddly enough but I cancelled because it didn’t feel right. Then because I had cancelled I ended up overthinking about how my ex was out there living his life and I am struggling to go outside.

I may be getting on with uni work, but it is on a Computer and basically, gives me an excuse to stay inside. This week I am focusing on getting to lectures, I know when I am there I love the tutors and the lectures, its just getting there. But its not just uni, I am finding it difficult to get to the shops, I only go now when I run out of essentials such as toilet roll. At least I am getting my moneys worth when it comes to rent. But I do need to be aware this is an issue.

Again, well done for going out, if anything you found out that you may not be ready for cinema trips but you may be ready to meet for coffee? Sometimes its the environment as such as the person you’re with at the time.

– V

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Victoria.

Good morning ladies,

Shelby – your kind words never seem to amaze me! Honestly! I wish I could be so kind to myself when I take massive steps back in my progress. I did indeed get very sick, very quickly and felt panicked I guess, so it was an easy option running back to comfort as we always call it. Now on the other hand, I feel myself triggered by tiny things that he is doing again and I realise just how much anguish the contact has caused me. Although being away from him is extremely difficult emotionally at least I feel at peace. That peace once more has been disrupted. I’m overthinking again, I’m questioning his intentions, I am in anxious mode all over again! The up and down of it all is so exhausting I just cant rationalise with myself why I keep doing this! It honestly is like a drug isn’t it…

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re deep in your feelings once more. I think Victoria maybe has a point of the extremes of it all, the highs (weekend with your sister) followed by the lows, when reality kicks in. I do think maybe the cinema trip with your friend was a bad idea as he expressed romantic interest and you are not interested or ready for that but we live and we learn! This is a very individual process to all so do not be ashamed that you are back to feeling rubbish again. We WILL get through every part of this. The up’s and the downs!

I’m feeling extra rubbish this morning. I have journaled loads and cannot focus at work. I hate the person who I have become throughout this never ending, hopeless process. I just want to skip this all together, honestly, one of the hardest things I have ever gone through! It is like grieving someone who is still alive and their actions still affect you!

I have come to the conclusion that I hate love. Because it has the power to make you feel oh so content and wonderful but God it can break you to the extreme too! Not a fan anymore.

Hang in there guys – I remember that part so well. In fact, I remember saying out loud to myself one day that I might as well give up on the idea of ever being happy again myself and therefore I’d give my life to making other people happy, so it had some use and purpose. Sounds crazy now but that was truly how I felt, nobody was ever going to be able to make me feel as safe, secure, happy and just so damn close as my ex.  Funnily enough, I think now that perhaps by giving up any semblance of control, terrifying and depressing as it was, helped me let go without even really knowing it.

There’s zero point trying to make yourself feel something, you either do or you don’t. Knowing something logically – as in you both sound like great, kind and intelligent women to me – and feeling it when you are down is a whole different ballgame. I do remember though when I had my especially bad times, if I or my friends/family could kick my proverbial off the sofa/bed just for a while, spend some time either in nature or with good company, it passed a hell of a lot quicker.

Ah, Shelby. Yeah, I questioned everything about the six years we had been together as to how I could have been so blind/ignorant – especially as I thought we’d been both so close and happy. If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of relationship did you guys have and what did you want it to be? Did you live together? Monogamous? Or was it a case of you wanting marriage/kids and he didn’t see that?

If by not cut out for any relationship means not being able to commit to you in any way, does seem either a bit of a cake/eat it guy or such a fear of intimacy/commitment. I know, the biggest frustration is thinking there must be a way to understand and therefore change it. But at the end of the day, and this won’t sound right to you right now, but it actually doesn’t matter – whatever his reason you can’t change him, you can only change yourself. So all the time spent wondering and analysing is a lot of wasted agony on your part.  I have pretty much no doubt your therapist is right when he/she says if you could accept what he was offering, you would still be together. What was he actually offering you? Though I think you’ve already decided you can’t do that as it is not enough for you?? If so, the problem is accepting the consequence of that decision, which is to continue through this cr@ppy process until you come out the other end…